Breadwinner wants out of the rat race

[Anonymous]

lol @ great biglaw maternity leave. I’m on that maternity leave now but I pulled 1-2 all nighters a month throughout including one the week before starting leave. Extremely extremely hard on my pregnant body.

[Anonymous]

The problem is that OP made certain choices, certain compromises, based on promises by her DH. Now DH wants to change things, which is totally reasonable, but OP is limited by her previous choices. Anyone in a marriage has to compromise at various points, and sometimes there is no going back, which is unfortunate if you later realize that was a mistake. OP and DH will both need to course correct and both will have to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol @ great biglaw maternity leave. I’m on that maternity leave now but I pulled 1-2 all nighters a month throughout including one the week before starting leave. Extremely extremely hard on my pregnant body.

Really? I took two full maternity leaves where I wasn't bothered at all during leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? She scaled back her career before having kids, to a non-profit job at that.

Why she didn’t go in-house, Fed, or at least wait till actually pregnant (and biglaw has pretty good maternity leave I think) is telling as to how they arrived at this ‘bargain’.

I read the OP as her scaling back when their three year old was born. Where are you getting that she wasn’t even pregnant?

Her OP talks about spending more time with each other as primary reason, no mention of kids. Generic discussion of ‘homefront’, not sure what that means for DINKs:

But after getting tired of never seeing one another, we decided that something had to give, and agreed that I'd transition to a nonprofit job -- not really law-related -- with a 9-5 schedule, located pretty close to our home in NoVa, and he'd keep working toward promotion. It wasn't a formal "deal" or "agreement," more just a joint decision that based on where we were at the time, it made sense and would free me up to be more supportive on the homefront.

[Anonymous]

OP - When you share a life with someone, there are no “deals”. You make plans, and you adjust them as time and life happens. Your DH is self aware enough to tell you what he needs. Listen to him. My DH is not aware of the stresses his job puts on him and to a lesser extent his family (he does a good job trying to minimize bleed over). Work out a new plan that works for you both. The money is nice but it really isn’t that important.

[Anonymous]

You are learning why one should never depend on someone else financially. OP, you need to support yourself and half expenses for your child/ren. Husband does too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that OP made certain choices, certain compromises, based on promises by her DH. Now DH wants to change things, which is totally reasonable, but OP is limited by her previous choices. Anyone in a marriage has to compromise at various points, and sometimes there is no going back, which is unfortunate if you later realize that was a mistake. OP and DH will both need to course correct and both will have to compromise.

Well OP took the woman privilege thing- take the less stressful job, less high profile job or the part time job while the husband worked the job that brings in money and kills the soul. OP needs to step it up and let her husband enjoy life like she does. Otherwise OP is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol @ great biglaw maternity leave. I’m on that maternity leave now but I pulled 1-2 all nighters a month throughout including one the week before starting leave. Extremely extremely hard on my pregnant body.

Really? I took two full maternity leaves where I wasn't bothered at all during leave.

Read again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol @ great biglaw maternity leave. I’m on that maternity leave now but I pulled 1-2 all nighters a month throughout including one the week before starting leave. Extremely extremely hard on my pregnant body.

Really? I took two full maternity leaves where I wasn't bothered at all during leave.

Read again.

Fair enough. But you would still be crazy to leave if you were planning on having kids soon. OP would have probably made a year or two non profit salary while on leave. Plus, many people are able to ramp down towards the end of pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

[Anonymous]

Legal Fed jobs and low-stress in house jobs are actually quite hard to come by, even for big-law partners. So you may be worrying for nothing OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Legal Fed jobs and low-stress in house jobs are actually quite hard to come by, even for big-law partners. So you may be worrying for nothing OP.

Even high stress in house jobs are nothing like the partner grind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you're not reading OP's post very well. She took a less demanding job so she could pick up more on the home front. I'm really surprised everyone is dogging on OP. I think she went out of her way to say she wants her DH to be happy but is feeling betrayed. Is that really so unusual? Maybe everyone has their back up because OP used the word "bargain." She meant "compromise." Too many posters talking about OP needing to compromise based on what DH wants. What about DH compromising based on what OP wants? That should be part of a healthy marriage too.

Except marriage isn’t about one compromise and done. Things change. He has a young child and one on the way. He wants to enjoy family life. And OP thinks he’s going back on their bargain/compromise and doesn’t want to live on less. I completely understand why many PPs are saying she needs to compromise again and if the money means that much, she should get back in the rat race.

The problem is that she can’t, what was possible for her career wise when they made the bargain is no longer. And frankly I think op regrets giving her big career up in favor of someone who decided they didn’t really want the big career late enough that there was no turning back for her. The money is secondary.

I'm a PP but not this PP. Yes, of course she does, but that was her decision. She can regret it all she wants but it's her fault.

DP. Maybe she does regret it, but her regrets shouldn't mean he is obligated to work a highly stressful 70 hrs/week job when there is a 40 hr/week job with a reasonable salary alternative.

I absolutely agree with you.