S/o I dislike dining with “introverts” and people who have nothing to say

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people just don't have chemistry but there should be at least a reasonable attempt to make conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classy people make others in their group feel comfortable. OP must not be classy.

+1

Nailed it.

Opposite actually. She made the group uncomfortable with the void of opinions, insights, or contributions. I’m not the arbiter of what is classy, but I wouldn’t describe that type of behavior as classy. This is op btw (poster above is not). While I appreciate the defense I do like getting to know people, even people I know.

WTF about any of those posts made you feel they defended you? I would consider them eviscerating...but I am an introvert.

I can do the dog and pony show in command, too. I would do it for you because you clearly suck as a dinner companion. My friends don’t need it.

Just a lone poster above. Anyway I’m not surprised that people on this site feel defensive. Obviously I struck a nerve. Not surprised since there are people here constantly lamenting how they cannot make friends, and not to mention it’s 8 pm on a Saturday and you are online on this site. It’s kind of self selecting that the responders are defensive and antisocial!

Speak for yourself—PP you quoted. I got up at 4:30 am to get my kid to a birthday party a 9 hour drive away. I deserve a DCUM break! I have tons of friends and don’t need more. You are on here too. My kid goes to bed in 5 minutes...what is your excuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know, maybe her grandma just died or she had painful endometriosis or she’s suffering major depression or she was feeling self-conscious about some perceived flaw, or she just felt like you and your friends all knew one another and she didn’t.

But maybe you’re right and anyone not comfortable in the mean girl crowd is just gross.

+1. I was quiet at a group dinner the other night, because a coworker of mine died. I didn't want to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Wait, who in their right mind drives nine hours for a birthday party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an introvert and clam up when I cannot get a word in edgewise or when someone starts talking over me or changes the conversation while I am trying to speak.

I recently stopped hanging out with some people because the conversations border on small talk. I am not good at small talk and prefer real and meaningful dialogue with people. I'm not saying small talk is bad, but I'm no good at it.

If like you and you are interesting, we can talk for hours.

But don’t you see that you also have to expend some energy and make an investment in the conversation to make it interesting? I appreciate the frank response, but this is my issue. “If I like you and you are interesting...” well you have to be interesting too! It can’t just be me dropping a bunch of topics and hoping you’ll find one interesting. And sometimes it takes a little work and small talk. No one likes small talk. Of course we all like deep and interesting conversations. But to have this, you have to have opinions and observations, take small risks, tell something personal about yourself.

To me interesting conversation is not gossip. It’s deeper than that. I had to sit at a table of “friends” who would ask me questions only to interrupt me or talk over me when I answered. They liked to talk about going out, who did what, their favorite drink, nothing which I could relate to. I am no longer friends with them. We all used to be close and it was that meal I realized I have nothing in common with them anymore and really didn’t want to contribute to a conversation I was not interested in. Frankly, I was bored and felt out of place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people just don't have chemistry but there should be at least a reasonable attempt to make conversation.

There is no special file somewhere with a list of everything that has to be done by each individual at every gathering. Really, there isn't.

If you get a group of friends together who enjoy the quiet together, you might well have a bunch of people silently watching a sunset, sipping bourbon, and listening to the cicadas. That's okay, if that's what they signed up for. Or you might have a gathering of friends with the intent and expectation to chat and laugh uproariously when they go out dancing together. Loud talk and dancing when everyone else is watching the sun set is inappropriate, and sipping bourbon silently during the other get-together wouldn't be a good fit.

A lot of get-togethers are somewhere in between. Often there is room for a range of experiences and intent.

What I don't understand is that you don't mention anything about anyone else being bothered by the person you are labelling as a problem and as offensive. It's interesting that this person has been a part of your circle of friends for more than 15 years, and she's pretty much always been like this. Presumably, then at least some of your group finds her company pleasant.

I'm not sure she needs to change. I think you need to re-examine why this gets a burr up your butt, even if you know this is how it will go with her.

[Anonymous]

Wait, what did this quiet person do to you again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet you were just as obnoxious in real life as you are being here, the “introvert” wanted no part of it and didn’t engage, and now you’re acting confused as to why she didn’t want to be your friend. News flash: everyone in this world may not like you and may not find you entertaining. I would ask you how old you are, but I’ve met many 40yo women that act obnoxious and make it a point to steer clear. And like you, they go on the offensive.

I’m not confused. She acted that way because she had a selfish quality. She wants to come out and hang out but she doesn’t contribute. It’s annoying. And when you “introverts” (note the quotes) do it with your friends, it’s annoying too. Bring something to the table. Try a little.

I have a feeling she didn’t know you were going to be there, or if did, she was willing to put up with you to spend time with her friend that was.

[Anonymous]

And no, friends don’t need to put on a dog and pony show for each other. Sometimes they can just “be” with each other.

[Anonymous]

My dear friend's sister will sometimes come with her to dinner at my house, maybe once a month. I've known sister for years and have had some good chats, but more often than not, sister will just sit and observe the whole night. It only bothers me that it's hard to read her, which amps up my own self confidence issues. Does she like me? Is she having fun? She's super smart, so are our conversations beneath her? If she doesn't talk, why does she come?

I've asked my friend about this, and friends says sister is really glad to be included and thinks of me one of her closer friends. She's just more reticent in communication. That's fine,

Maybe op, you're a little insecure too?

[Anonymous]

Introverts are basically dull as cardboard. I'd rather watch paint dry than go to dinner with one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introverts are basically dull as cardboard. I'd rather watch paint dry than go to dinner with one.

This strikes me as having a very easy answer to the problem, for you. And for those that know you, if they are introverts.

Maybe it will come to you in a flash!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use “introverts” in quotes because I don’t want to lump an entire group into one negative lump, but why do people feel it’s ok to go out for dinner and just...observe the conversation. I went out last night with 3 friends, incl one “introvert” or whatever, and I felt like the three of us were just there to entertain her. When you socialize with people, you have to try a little. We are not there to provide interesting conversation and gossip for you to just take in. Make yourself a little vulnerable and share something about your life, or put forward and observation of your own please.

Or, perhaps just perhaps...

You can SHUT UP for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I use “introverts” in quotes because I don’t want to lump an entire group into one negative lump, but why do people feel it’s ok to go out for dinner and just...observe the conversation. I went out last night with 3 friends, incl one “introvert” or whatever, and I felt like the three of us were just there to entertain her. When you socialize with people, you have to try a little. We are not there to provide interesting conversation and gossip for you to just take in. Make yourself a little vulnerable and share something about your life, or put forward and observation of your own please.

Or, perhaps just perhaps...

You can SHUT UP for a while.

Yes this....but seriously OP if you dislike dining with such people than just don't go. You sound like an asshole in this post

[Anonymous]

Not so sure why introverts are getting a bad rap here.

I think there is a misconception of introverts/vs extroverts based on the OP's uninformed original post.

Personally, the OP sounds like an a$$. I hope your friend with whom you have difficulty dining with finds better people than you.

For what its worth, I have a very high profile job where I have to be VERY social all day long. The last thing I want to do at the end of the day is listen to your yammering gossip, OP. You need some self-reflection. Perhaps read the article referenced below.

https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-are-an-introvert-2795427