Hosting step-grandson for two weeks- how to deal with food fussiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you said this to me, I wouldn’t send my kids to your house. Nobody wants to spend that long getting judged and eating food they hate.

Parents like you give Americans a bad name. No wonder child obesity in this country is insane!

An American asking that people treat each other well and not judge? How exactly does that reflect badly on Americans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys are all crazy! OP never said she was going to starve the kid! She was going to prepare food but she doesn't want to deal with him refusing food that she's taken the trouble to serve. Does that make her a bad person? The kid does sound high-maintenance so I sympathize with OP. I think her husband needs to handle the cooking. People mentioned heating up pizzas but c'mon, the kid can't just eat unhealthy American food for two weeks!

OP knows the child doesn't like vegetables and is planning to not adjust her cooking in anyway. Why not just put vegetables on the side? The problem is it's her step grandson and she doesn't want to do anything to accommodate him.

But why should she accommodate him? He doesnt have allergies. If he were Muslim and could only eat halal food, maybe she could just stick to vegetarian meals. But he is inconveniencing the host by only wanting what he wants. That's not good for the kid to think that the world revolves around his tastes.

1. He is twelve.

2. She is married to his grandpa, and presumably should want grandpa to enjoy time with his grandson.

3. She isn't close with this child, so it isn't on her to do all this teaching, even if she thinks the parents failed.

I really hate reading things that involve treating an adult and a child as equals when they "fight". Why doesn't she use this time to try to expand the boy's taste in a pleasant way. You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, is this how you people act when adult visitors come to your home?

"Well, I know Paul hates fish, but that's not an ALLERGY, just a preference. I'm going to make salmon. And I know Mary doesn't eat carbs, but it's not like she's ALLERGIC, it's just vanity. We'll have orzo as the side!"

My dad is a very meat-and-potatoes eater. My husband and I are more adventurous. But when my dad comes to visit, I downshift a bit. I don't see his visit to my home as an opportunity to cast his preferences as a moral failure, and teach him a lesson.

+1, and very well put

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she’s spoiling for a fight. Makes me sad for this kid. I remember being at the house of step- grandparents where I knew I wasn’t really welcome and how terrible it felt. He is a kid and a guest - be kind to him.

[Anonymous]

What parent on the planet is seriously okay with their kid not eating vegetables for 2 weeks? Let alone inconveniencing a household to do it.

SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title states...The kid in question is 12 yo and known for picking vegetables out of his meals for as long as I've known him. He also doesn't like anything other than American food and will make all sorts of remarks about how much he hates vegetables etc. DH said earlier today that "if he doesn't want to eat what we eat, then we can heat up something like a frozen pizza etc." while I disagree. I think that if we've taken the trouble of making a meal, he should be having what we're having and not be catered to. It's not like he's deathly allergic to vegetables. If the kid was just staying for a few days, I would let my husband just deal with it. However, it's two weeks so I will definitely be handling at least half of meal prep/cooking. I like to cook a variety of dishes from various non-American cuisines (FWIW, I'm German). Knowing how outspoken this kid will be about the food that is served, I plan on informing him at the start that his fussy ways won't be tolerated. That said, I wouldn't want him complaining to his parents that we were mean to him. Is my approach considered inappropriate to American parents?

OP- I posted earlier about being a picky eater as a child. I would take a middle ground- I wouldn't serve frozen pizza but I would make simple foods with veggies as a side for him to take or pass on. Roasted chicken, hamburgers, pasta-- simple veggies as a side. Mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, rice, etc. are great sides for picky eaters. You might try some raw, sliced veggies with a ranch dressing dip. I mentioned earlier that his aversion may come from smell/texture. I have found my own son will eat certain veggies raw that he doesn't enjoy cooked.
Telling him from the outset that "his fussy ways won't be tolerated" is setting up a combative atmosphere. Why do that? Just serve simple, accessible foods where he's sure to like at least something. If he makes remarks that he "hates veggies" don't engage- just mention that you serve them at each meal and he can choose to eat them or not eat them.
I have a twelve year old boy- being controlling or shaming just drives them away- it's a sensitive age when kids explore the idea of being treated less like a child and more like an autonomous person with opinions, likes/dislikes, and seek respect. Yes, sometimes they act like they are six, but that is an opportunity to guide them toward a mature choice and make them think the idea was entirely their own. We had to adjust our parenting a lot this past year- and provide more choices, more logical consequences, less punishment and authoritarian responses when our son upsets us. Just some thoughts since your grandson will be with you for a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, is this how you people act when adult visitors come to your home?

"Well, I know Paul hates fish, but that's not an ALLERGY, just a preference. I'm going to make salmon. And I know Mary doesn't eat carbs, but it's not like she's ALLERGIC, it's just vanity. We'll have orzo as the side!"

My dad is a very meat-and-potatoes eater. My husband and I are more adventurous. But when my dad comes to visit, I downshift a bit. I don't see his visit to my home as an opportunity to cast his preferences as a moral failure, and teach him a lesson.

Neither are examples of picky eating. It's just normal preferences. Paul may not like fish but maybe he likes other seafood. And there's probably other proteins that he'll eat. There are probably multiple preparations of different proteins that he'll eat. Mary doesn't eat carbs, that's okay. But that shouldn't prevent other people from eating carbs. She should just refrain from eating the carbs that are being served to the other dinner guests.

Picky eaters have an extremely limited list of foods that have be prepared in specific ways. They will only eat that and nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t grandparents supposed to be the fun ones? Who give too much ice-cream and candy?

Sounds like you think of your step grandson as a burden. Which sucks. He probably doesn’t feel crazy comfortable with you either. He may be 12 but he’s still a child.

[Anonymous]

My son used to be a terribly fussy eater. I stressed and stressed and stressed about it and caused so many arguments with my son. My doctor and nutritionist and therapist (I consulted them all) stressed to be that I was causing my kid a lot of anxiety about meals and ruining a perfectly good opportunity to connect with my otherwise stellar kid. I took their advice. (Shocker). De-escalated the meal time drama - had him help cook, which he loved regardless of what we were making because we had fun together, and let me him opt out of any meal. If he wanted to make himself a PBJ or turkey sandwich, I let him and did not comment. He is tall and healthy so I wasn’t worried about his growth. Finally, after much patience, love and biting my tongue until I almost cried, he slowly came around and eats almost everything now. He was as stressed out about meal times as I was and it colored our relationship in a very negative way, he wanted to please me, he wanted to go out to eat with us, he wanted to love vegetables but literally could not/would not eat them. Over the summer, he developed a different palate and voila - he is trying new things daily with vigor. He is so much more relaxed and happier now and I truly regret the stress I caused him about food and glad that I finally llistened. Please don’t do that to your grandson in the limited time he is with you. It will be so hard, but don’t fuss, strike a deal that he can make himself a obj, show him how you would like it made, and let it go. And enjoy Him. There is limited time you have left that he will want to spend summers with you.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, is this how you people act when adult visitors come to your home?

"Well, I know Paul hates fish, but that's not an ALLERGY, just a preference. I'm going to make salmon. And I know Mary doesn't eat carbs, but it's not like she's ALLERGIC, it's just vanity. We'll have orzo as the side!"

My dad is a very meat-and-potatoes eater. My husband and I are more adventurous. But when my dad comes to visit, I downshift a bit. I don't see his visit to my home as an opportunity to cast his preferences as a moral failure, and teach him a lesson.

Neither are examples of picky eating. It's just normal preferences. Paul may not like fish but maybe he likes other seafood. And there's probably other proteins that he'll eat. There are probably multiple preparations of different proteins that he'll eat. Mary doesn't eat carbs, that's okay. But that shouldn't prevent other people from eating carbs. She should just refrain from eating the carbs that are being served to the other dinner guests.

Picky eaters have an extremely limited list of foods that have be prepared in specific ways. They will only eat that and nothing else.

You really don't need to lecture me about picky eaters. My father, brother and cousin are all very picky. Yes, it can make hosting a bit of a challenge. For large-scale events, like holidays, I make what most people like and know that they can fend for themselves. But when they are overnight guests in my home, yes I do factor in their preferences and pickiness, because I want them to be comfortable and have a great time. Again, I don't see my role as hostess as needing to correct their quirks or shame them into eating. They are my guests--I make reasonable accommodations for them.

Would it really be that hard for OP to do a store-bought rotisserie chicken, a vegetable side and a starch, and keep those items separate? Would it really be so incredibly taxing to get a pizza--a decent one from, say, Wegmans, doesn't have to be frozen--and heat it up along with a green salad and maybe some fruit? For a 12-year-old?

Isn't the point for the kid to have a good time with grandpa? This isn't rehab, right? It's not scare 'em straight sleepaway camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will never ever want to stay at grandma's ever again. Mark my words. Pick your battles grandma.

Please.

Read the OP.

STEPgrandma. The kid is not a grandchild. He is simply a "Step"

I think your first sentence is the end goal here.

The argument still holds. Pick your battles carefully before making your home inhospitable to your spouse's grandkid.

For what its worth, my step mom doesn't differentiate among the grandkids - hers or my dads.

I agree.

But OP clearly emphasized the fact he is a STEP and not a grandchild.

I still think that her end goal is their grandson not wanting to come back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how op posts this a single an American thing that we cater to our kids. Nope not all of us. Plenty of people cook healthy meals and that's it.

Haven't you read the posts on this threads? So many people advocating for frozen foods and pizza for the kid.

Because it is a visit to hiz grandparents

In spite of everyone's constant threads complaining about grandparents giving the grandkids junk food, even dcumers know that a visit with grandparent is supposed to be full of love and spoiling...not a two week visit where someone who does not view the grandchild as family is determined to force a love of vegetable on this "step" kid, even if it means ruining the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What parent on the planet is seriously okay with their kid not eating vegetables for 2 weeks? Let alone inconveniencing a household to do it.

SMH.

Have you eaten german cooked "vegetables" before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What parent on the planet is seriously okay with their kid not eating vegetables for 2 weeks? Let alone inconveniencing a household to do it.

SMH.

My child has not eaten a vegetable in her 16 years! She eats plenty of fruit. You can not force a child to eat something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief, is this how you people act when adult visitors come to your home?

"Well, I know Paul hates fish, but that's not an ALLERGY, just a preference. I'm going to make salmon. And I know Mary doesn't eat carbs, but it's not like she's ALLERGIC, it's just vanity. We'll have orzo as the side!"

My dad is a very meat-and-potatoes eater. My husband and I are more adventurous. But when my dad comes to visit, I downshift a bit. I don't see his visit to my home as an opportunity to cast his preferences as a moral failure, and teach him a lesson.

Neither are examples of picky eating. It's just normal preferences. Paul may not like fish but maybe he likes other seafood. And there's probably other proteins that he'll eat. There are probably multiple preparations of different proteins that he'll eat. Mary doesn't eat carbs, that's okay. But that shouldn't prevent other people from eating carbs. She should just refrain from eating the carbs that are being served to the other dinner guests.

Picky eaters have an extremely limited list of foods that have be prepared in specific ways. They will only eat that and nothing else.

You really don't need to lecture me about picky eaters. My father, brother and cousin are all very picky. Yes, it can make hosting a bit of a challenge. For large-scale events, like holidays, I make what most people like and know that they can fend for themselves. But when they are overnight guests in my home, yes I do factor in their preferences and pickiness, because I want them to be comfortable and have a great time. Again, I don't see my role as hostess as needing to correct their quirks or shame them into eating. They are my guests--I make reasonable accommodations for them.

Would it really be that hard for OP to do a store-bought rotisserie chicken, a vegetable side and a starch, and keep those items separate? Would it really be so incredibly taxing to get a pizza--a decent one from, say, Wegmans, doesn't have to be frozen--and heat it up along with a green salad and maybe some fruit? For a 12-year-old?

Isn't the point for the kid to have a good time with grandpa? This isn't rehab, right? It's not scare 'em straight sleepaway camp.

Maybe this is just a difference in perspective. If I'm a guest in someone else's home, I don't want to impose on them. I don't expect them to go out of their way and change their dinner routine for me. If someone is kind enough to host me and cook a meal for me, I'm going to eat that meal and be grateful even if the food is not my favorite. For example, one of my big food pet peeves is overcooked dried meat. My dad, otoh, is paranoid about under cooked meat and likes everything super well-done. So whenever I eat any sort meat at my parents' home, it's extra dead. And so, I may stick to the sides and eat a little meat to be polite but I'm not going to tell my dad how to cook in his own house. Part of becoming an adult is learning that different people do things differently. So when you're at their house, you respect how they do things . No one is entitled to have the world cater to them.