Ok to vacation without all the kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm tripping from the OP's follow-up post. The notion that her little family she's trying to create could be damaged from not going to Disney? For real? I guess my family is a f****** wreck because we've never been

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

You're assuming DH has the money. That doesn't have to be the case.

My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. I am the moneymaker in the family while DH makes a low salary. Our two kids lead a much better lifestyle than his daughter. I don't feel any guilt about that. I don't understand why you insinuate it's her job to pay for her stepkids' college or cars. That's on DH. It's the parents' job to support their children, not their subsequent spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's okay especially since the kids have been there twice. If anything isn't fair, it is skipping the trip altogether because you can't afford to take everyone. The kids have been twice. That's enough.

NP who agrees completely. The older kids have been twice already; presumably at least one time was with their dad. (Right, OP?) If none of the kids had ever been, of course you would take them all, but I really don't understand why the three-year-old can't have the same thing the other kids got: a trip to Disney with their nuclear family.

Besides, the age gap is such that they will be interested in very few of the same activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's okay especially since the kids have been there twice. If anything isn't fair, it is skipping the trip altogether because you can't afford to take everyone. The kids have been twice. That's enough.

NP who agrees completely. The older kids have been twice already; presumably at least one time was with their dad. (Right, OP?) If none of the kids had ever been, of course you would take them all, but I really don't understand why the three-year-old can't have the same thing the other kids got: a trip to Disney with their nuclear family.

Besides, the age gap is such that they will be interested in very few of the same activities.

Fairness isn't the point here. I can see how that would seem "fair" to some, but it does not feel good to the kids and if they really do think their father loves them less, this is not a good idea. If OP and her DH want to create a happy family where all the children feel valued, they need to think about everyone's perspectives and opinions. Not just cling to the most restrictive idea of "fairness" that will let the OP pretend she doesn't have stepkids. It seems cruel and short-sighted to hurt the older children's feelings when they could just save up and go next year instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm tripping from the OP's follow-up post. The notion that her little family she's trying to create could be damaged from not going to Disney? For real? I guess my family is a f****** wreck because we've never been

It's not because of not going to Disney! It's because the older kids want to go and feel unloved, and if the OP and DH know that and go without them anyway, it will damage the parent-child relationship. Can they do it? Sure. Is it kind and loving? No.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have a similar problem in my family; however, we've never intentionally excluded my stepson because we didn't want to pay for him. I don't think that's a valid excuse. It just so happens that my stepson's mother always says NO when we ask, and we don't think it's fair to not vacation at all just because his mom wants to be an a**hole. So yes, my stepson misses out on all of our vacations (and of course he would like to go, so we do our best not to mention the vacation around him and always bring him something back), but it's not because we didn't want to pay for it. I think you need to save up your coins to take all of the kids to Disney OR pick a cheaper vacation spot.

[Anonymous]

Omigosh, this would never ever happen in my family. I was one of the older/step kids and both my stepmom and stepdad would have never considered not including us in vacations with my younger siblings.

[Anonymous]

Don't do this. My ex did this. He went to Disney with his current wife and their two kids, but our daughter was left out. She was crushed and talks about it to this very day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

You're assuming DH has the money. That doesn't have to be the case.

My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. I am the moneymaker in the family while DH makes a low salary. Our two kids lead a much better lifestyle than his daughter. I don't feel any guilt about that. I don't understand why you insinuate it's her job to pay for her stepkids' college or cars. That's on DH. It's the parents' job to support their children, not their subsequent spouses.

And the evil stepmother speaks. Do you make your stepchildren clean your fireplaces, too?

Ugh. When you marry a person who has a child from a previous marriage, caring for that child is a part of the package. If you aren't willing to participate in caring for that child, do everyone a favor and find someone else, preferably someone with no children. Your callousness to an innocent child who is the victim of two parents who could not find a way to maintain their marriage through personal troubles is appalling. It's sad that her father has such poor judgment of people that he would consider marrying someone as ruthless as you who would create such a two tier system to a child.

[Anonymous]

Not going now and saving so you can all go is the right decision. Your 3 year old doesn't "need" Disney. The older kids are part of the family and it's not right to go without them. It's a terrible message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

You're assuming DH has the money. That doesn't have to be the case.

My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. I am the moneymaker in the family while DH makes a low salary. Our two kids lead a much better lifestyle than his daughter. I don't feel any guilt about that. I don't understand why you insinuate it's her job to pay for her stepkids' college or cars. That's on DH. It's the parents' job to support their children, not their subsequent spouses.

And the evil stepmother speaks. Do you make your stepchildren clean your fireplaces, too?

Ugh. When you marry a person who has a child from a previous marriage, caring for that child is a part of the package. If you aren't willing to participate in caring for that child, do everyone a favor and find someone else, preferably someone with no children. Your callousness to an innocent child who is the victim of two parents who could not find a way to maintain their marriage through personal troubles is appalling. It's sad that her father has such poor judgment of people that he would consider marrying someone as ruthless as you who would create such a two tier system to a child.

So dramatic. The two-tiered system already exists for everyone. Tier 1: your children. Tier 2: everyone else's children. Why pretend it's not so?

That child has a mother and a father. I am kind and caring to her when I'm around her, but funding her college education or her cars is not my job. My money belongs to my children. Her mother and father should take care of her college and cars. They can always get better jobs if they are not happy with their current income. Marrying a higher-income woman in hopes she will fund your previous children is nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm tripping from the OP's follow-up post. The notion that her little family she's trying to create could be damaged from not going to Disney? For real? I guess my family is a f****** wreck because we've never been

It's not because of not going to Disney! It's because the older kids want to go and feel unloved, and if the OP and DH know that and go without them anyway, it will damage the parent-child relationship. Can they do it? Sure. Is it kind and loving? No.

No one wants to hurt children gratuitously but one should understand the slippery slope involved with trying to avoid any discomfort. Can you imagine the potential for manipulation? I feel unloved, take me to Paris! I feel unloved, buy me a car! I feel unloved, buy me a house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a similar problem in my family; however, we've never intentionally excluded my stepson because we didn't want to pay for him. I don't think that's a valid excuse. It just so happens that my stepson's mother always says NO when we ask, and we don't think it's fair to not vacation at all just because his mom wants to be an a**hole. So yes, my stepson misses out on all of our vacations (and of course he would like to go, so we do our best not to mention the vacation around him and always bring him something back), but it's not because we didn't want to pay for it. I think you need to save up your coins to take all of the kids to Disney OR pick a cheaper vacation spot.

this is weird - does your dH not have any vacation time scheduled in his custody agreement? most agreements are for time every week plus a week or more weeks at xmas and over summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

You're assuming DH has the money. That doesn't have to be the case.

My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. I am the moneymaker in the family while DH makes a low salary. Our two kids lead a much better lifestyle than his daughter. I don't feel any guilt about that. I don't understand why you insinuate it's her job to pay for her stepkids' college or cars. That's on DH. It's the parents' job to support their children, not their subsequent spouses.

And the evil stepmother speaks. Do you make your stepchildren clean your fireplaces, too?

Ugh. When you marry a person who has a child from a previous marriage, caring for that child is a part of the package. If you aren't willing to participate in caring for that child, do everyone a favor and find someone else, preferably someone with no children. Your callousness to an innocent child who is the victim of two parents who could not find a way to maintain their marriage through personal troubles is appalling. It's sad that her father has such poor judgment of people that he would consider marrying someone as ruthless as you who would create such a two tier system to a child.

So dramatic. The two-tiered system already exists for everyone. Tier 1: your children. Tier 2: everyone else's children. Why pretend it's not so?

That child has a mother and a father. I am kind and caring to her when I'm around her, but funding her college education or her cars is not my job. My money belongs to my children. Her mother and father should take care of her college and cars. They can always get better jobs if they are not happy with their current income. Marrying a higher-income woman in hopes she will fund your previous children is nonsense.

I see. You are one of those "my money is mine and his money is his" type marriages. A marriage of inequality starts from position of weakness. You're not completely committed to your marriage or the family that comes from the blending of two families. It's fine most of the time, but if your marriage ever encounters hardship or stress, that weakness may be it's undoing.

You are not a very compassionate person. It's fine for the father who chose such a partner, but it's really unfortunate for his children who are innocent victims of his poor judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead will you pay for step kids college? What about cars? Will your DC get a car and not step kids?
All 3 children are DH and should be treated equally

You're assuming DH has the money. That doesn't have to be the case.

My DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. I am the moneymaker in the family while DH makes a low salary. Our two kids lead a much better lifestyle than his daughter. I don't feel any guilt about that. I don't understand why you insinuate it's her job to pay for her stepkids' college or cars. That's on DH. It's the parents' job to support their children, not their subsequent spouses.

And the evil stepmother speaks. Do you make your stepchildren clean your fireplaces, too?

Ugh. When you marry a person who has a child from a previous marriage, caring for that child is a part of the package. If you aren't willing to participate in caring for that child, do everyone a favor and find someone else, preferably someone with no children. Your callousness to an innocent child who is the victim of two parents who could not find a way to maintain their marriage through personal troubles is appalling. It's sad that her father has such poor judgment of people that he would consider marrying someone as ruthless as you who would create such a two tier system to a child.

So dramatic. The two-tiered system already exists for everyone. Tier 1: your children. Tier 2: everyone else's children. Why pretend it's not so?

That child has a mother and a father. I am kind and caring to her when I'm around her, but funding her college education or her cars is not my job. My money belongs to my children. Her mother and father should take care of her college and cars. They can always get better jobs if they are not happy with their current income. Marrying a higher-income woman in hopes she will fund your previous children is nonsense.

I see. You are one of those "my money is mine and his money is his" type marriages. A marriage of inequality starts from position of weakness. You're not completely committed to your marriage or the family that comes from the blending of two families. It's fine most of the time, but if your marriage ever encounters hardship or stress, that weakness may be it's undoing.

You are not a very compassionate person. It's fine for the father who chose such a partner, but it's really unfortunate for his children who are innocent victims of his poor judgement.

Why do you think it's my job to create the same lifestyle for that child? She has her own parents. What does compassion have to do with this?