Separated and not yet ex DH is bringing girlfriend to kids events--can this be stopped?

[Anonymous]

My exDW is a drug user with severe personality problems. I'd like to keep creeps away from my kids when she has visitation. I asked my attorney about these sorts of clauses and she said that they are completely unenforceable, and just asking for one would make me look bad with the judge.

By asking, the judge knows you are putting the kids in the middle of the conflict, as in grilling them about "Who slept at mommy's house last night? What room did they sleep in? What is his name?" How else are you going to find out what he is up to, who is sleeping over, and so on other than pumping the kids for information? An other adult showing up an event isn't proof she/he is sleeping over. Or even that they are a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I have been divorced for three years and my kids have never met any women I have seen, have never asked about anyone, and have no hint at all I've even been on one date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exDW is a drug user with severe personality problems. I'd like to keep creeps away from my kids when she has visitation. I asked my attorney about these sorts of clauses and she said that they are completely unenforceable, and just asking for one would make me look bad with the judge.

By asking, the judge knows you are putting the kids in the middle of the conflict, as in grilling them about "Who slept at mommy's house last night? What room did they sleep in? What is his name?" How else are you going to find out what he is up to, who is sleeping over, and so on other than pumping the kids for information? An other adult showing up an event isn't proof she/he is sleeping over. Or even that they are a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I have been divorced for three years and my kids have never met any women I have seen, have never asked about anyone, and have no hint at all I've even been on one date.

I think you had a lousy lawyer. I would have fought tooth and nail to make sure none of Mommy's druggie boyfriends was anywhere near my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

I find it so interesting that fathers are absolved of any responsibility for showing up in their own kids life and people think men need some kind of special invitation to participate. Fathers can easily pick up the phone and get any information about their child at school that they want - back to school night, class schedule, school listserv, teacher contacts, etc. Along with that goes all school sports calendars, music concerts, plays, etc.

It's sexist to make the Mom responsible for the father's participation. There isn't anything that DCs do that their dad couldn't figure out if he made the slightest effort. It's not my job; it's his job to build his relationships with his kids. I am not making him the bad guy; I am just no longer choosing to cover up for him. Anyway, that charade is unsustainable over the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

Bingo!

I am not divorced, am not in danger of being divorced, have no intentions to ever divorce my husband. We are very happy. So I am not bitter.

And yet I know clear eyed and not bitterly that I would be VERY uncomfortable knowing my children met a woman he started dating after 6 weeks.

My parents were divorced and I met three of their significant others. Two of whom are my stepparents, one my dad proposed to.

This is how it should be, children need stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

I find it so interesting that fathers are absolved of any responsibility for showing up in their own kids life and people think men need some kind of special invitation to participate. Fathers can easily pick up the phone and get any information about their child at school that they want - back to school night, class schedule, school listserv, teacher contacts, etc. Along with that goes all school sports calendars, music concerts, plays, etc.

It's sexist to make the Mom responsible for the father's participation. There isn't anything that DCs do that their dad couldn't figure out if he made the slightest effort. It's not my job; it's his job to build his relationships with his kids. I am not making him the bad guy; I am just no longer choosing to cover up for him. Anyway, that charade is unsustainable over the long term.

Yep. Exactly. Dummy Daddy wants to be there, he can pick up the phone. But he'd rather be in bed with his new girlfriend anyway and won't make the effort. I view it as a win for everyone but the new unfortunate girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exDW is a drug user with severe personality problems. I'd like to keep creeps away from my kids when she has visitation. I asked my attorney about these sorts of clauses and she said that they are completely unenforceable, and just asking for one would make me look bad with the judge.

By asking, the judge knows you are putting the kids in the middle of the conflict, as in grilling them about "Who slept at mommy's house last night? What room did they sleep in? What is his name?" How else are you going to find out what he is up to, who is sleeping over, and so on other than pumping the kids for information? An other adult showing up an event isn't proof she/he is sleeping over. Or even that they are a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I have been divorced for three years and my kids have never met any women I have seen, have never asked about anyone, and have no hint at all I've even been on one date.

Lawyer PP here. Your lawyer gave you bad advice. A lot of times, lawyers don't want to admit that they don't have experience negotiating agreements and orders that are very specific. So, they discourage the client from pursuing that line of action, instead of risking the client finding out about their experience. I have no way of knowing if this was the case with your lawyer, but I am shocked that a lawyer would not advocate at least trying to restrain a drug-abusing ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

I find it so interesting that fathers are absolved of any responsibility for showing up in their own kids life and people think men need some kind of special invitation to participate. Fathers can easily pick up the phone and get any information about their child at school that they want - back to school night, class schedule, school listserv, teacher contacts, etc. Along with that goes all school sports calendars, music concerts, plays, etc.

It's sexist to make the Mom responsible for the father's participation. There isn't anything that DCs do that their dad couldn't figure out if he made the slightest effort. It's not my job; it's his job to build his relationships with his kids. I am not making him the bad guy; I am just no longer choosing to cover up for him. Anyway, that charade is unsustainable over the long term.

I agree that it's sexist to make Mom responsible for Dad's participation.

That said, I will say that in my experience, my DD's school defaults to communicating with me. This was true the first year she was there, when they had no idea whether or not her dad was an active participant in her school life or not. Getting them to communicate with both of us has been impossible. For whatever (probably sexist though in this case accurate as per his actual participation level) reason, they communicate with me and not him. He was really frustrated about it the first year she was in school, but then his new wife had a baby and he has since stopped caring.

We have a calendar for her activities. Guess who maintains that calendar. That's right. Me. The one who gets the announcements about her activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

I find it so interesting that fathers are absolved of any responsibility for showing up in their own kids life and people think men need some kind of special invitation to participate. Fathers can easily pick up the phone and get any information about their child at school that they want - back to school night, class schedule, school listserv, teacher contacts, etc. Along with that goes all school sports calendars, music concerts, plays, etc.

It's sexist to make the Mom responsible for the father's participation. There isn't anything that DCs do that their dad couldn't figure out if he made the slightest effort. It's not my job; it's his job to build his relationships with his kids. I am not making him the bad guy; I am just no longer choosing to cover up for him. Anyway, that charade is unsustainable over the long term.

Yep. Exactly. Dummy Daddy wants to be there, he can pick up the phone. But he'd rather be in bed with his new girlfriend anyway and won't make the effort. I view it as a win for everyone but the new unfortunate girlfriend.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

I'd be horrified that a 6 week gf is spending the night where my children are staying.

OP first meet with him and have a long talk. Do it nicely, explain how this is not good for the kids. Date her etc. his business. Sleep overs and having her around the kids unless it becomes serious needs to stop. He can either agree or go to court. Put it nicely but firm. He will likely not want to spend more money fighting so hopefully he will act like a responsible adult. If not....see your attorney asap.

Keep in mind there is a significant dollar cost associated with OP's desire to control her ex's life, too.

I don't know how you can determine that it's not "responsible" for the DH in question to let his kids meet his girlfriend unless you know the man and his girlfriend.

Having a gf of 6 weeks spending the night is really poor judgement. He is a married man fyi.
Bringing the gf to events is also bad, is upsetting to his wife. I can't imagine what part you didn't read or get.

What I "didn't get" is that since I don't know the husband or his girlfriend, I can't make any judgments about it.

Don't know the wife either, but "upsetting her" is irrelevant. She needs to get over the fact he is seeing other women and stop thinking about punishing him for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are these school events? When the kids are with you don't let ex know about any events. Put them in sports on your time or hobbies without letting him know. We did that. Swimming, and dance that were not school and near where we lived. We didn't want any exes or their "friends" showing up. We did camping trips and family things too.

+1. I stopped telling Ex about events school events, sports stuff, recitals, etc. It's all public info and he could find out easily by googling if he cared. He doesn't. It's not my job to do emotional labor for him anymore. It's also not my job to try to create an image of him for my kids that he is really not able to uphold himself. I got tired of inviting him to stuff and then everyone worrying if he'd show up or not.

Wow, really nice for your kids people. I'm sure your kids would want the other parent there. Mine do. I always extend the olive branch, and if he doesn't show, that's on him. If he does show with his flavor of the month, I get over it and am thankful that at least he showed up. Some of you really need to put your kids first.

Speaking as someone who spent my childhood waiting for my father to show up to events he never came to, you are actually wrong. It is very painful and devastating as a child to have your mother get your hopes up (and if you know she invited your father, then your hopes are up) and have them dashed each time. I wish my mother had just stopped inviting him and had just stopped mentioning him any time I had an event. I knew he was not going to show up and yet my eyes would still search the crowd hoping that somehow each time would be different.

Easy answer. She should just invite him and not mention it to the kids. Mentioning that you've invited the dad to the event when you know he isn't going to show up is just cruel on the mom's part. She is deliberately trying to make him the bad guy and causing disappointment for the kids. Parents need to be mature and think about someone other than themselves.

I find it so interesting that fathers are absolved of any responsibility for showing up in their own kids life and people think men need some kind of special invitation to participate. Fathers can easily pick up the phone and get any information about their child at school that they want - back to school night, class schedule, school listserv, teacher contacts, etc. Along with that goes all school sports calendars, music concerts, plays, etc.

It's sexist to make the Mom responsible for the father's participation. There isn't anything that DCs do that their dad couldn't figure out if he made the slightest effort. It's not my job; it's his job to build his relationships with his kids. I am not making him the bad guy; I am just no longer choosing to cover up for him. Anyway, that charade is unsustainable over the long term.

Great post. More women should get this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

Bingo!

I am not divorced, am not in danger of being divorced, have no intentions to ever divorce my husband. We are very happy. So I am not bitter.

And yet I know clear eyed and not bitterly that I would be VERY uncomfortable knowing my children met a woman he started dating after 6 weeks.

My parents were divorced and I met three of their significant others. Two of whom are my stepparents, one my dad proposed to.

This is how it should be, children need stability.

Pffft. Once the parents split up, stability is permanently busted. You can't glue that pot back together by trying to stop the ex-spouses from seeing other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been separated from my ex-DH for a year but we are not yet divorced. He cheated and wanted to end the marriage. He is now bringing a brand new gf (not even 6 weeks) around the children; having sleepovers when the kids are with him; bringing her to events where I will be etc. Can this be stopped since he's not yet my EXDH and we have very small children?

I'd be horrified that a 6 week gf is spending the night where my children are staying.

OP first meet with him and have a long talk. Do it nicely, explain how this is not good for the kids. Date her etc. his business. Sleep overs and having her around the kids unless it becomes serious needs to stop. He can either agree or go to court. Put it nicely but firm. He will likely not want to spend more money fighting so hopefully he will act like a responsible adult. If not....see your attorney asap.

Keep in mind there is a significant dollar cost associated with OP's desire to control her ex's life, too.

I don't know how you can determine that it's not "responsible" for the DH in question to let his kids meet his girlfriend unless you know the man and his girlfriend.

Having a gf of 6 weeks spending the night is really poor judgement. He is a married man fyi.
Bringing the gf to events is also bad, is upsetting to his wife. I can't imagine what part you didn't read or get.

What I "didn't get" is that since I don't know the husband or his girlfriend, I can't make any judgments about it.

Don't know the wife either, but "upsetting her" is irrelevant. She needs to get over the fact he is seeing other women and stop thinking about punishing him for it.

I don't know bank robbers either but I can eye ball it pretty good. He's a married man, the new gf knows he has kids. Both are assholes. I can make a judgment, simple really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

Lol. This is legit the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You realize how many women are molested by the partner of their mother? Not a big stretch to think the same couldn't happen if the genders were reversed. I think you should put something in the PSA about sleepovers. But that will obviously apply to you as well.

Yes it is a huge stretch. You are flat-out ignorant and a complete moron if you think children are molested by step-mothers/girlfriends at anywhere near the rate they are by step-fathers/boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass OP. Doesn't he know he was supposed to be learning his lesson, realizing how good he had it with you and beg you to take him back? I swear men are so dense

Jesus, there is so much trash hanging out on this forum. A man is bringing a girlfriend of six weeks around his young children and you think the problem here is that the wife is jealous?

You are incredibly stupid if you think that's what this is about. OP is pissed because he is happy. Happier than she is and happier than SHE thinks he is allowed to be. I'm sure the Ex's new girlfriend is younger and prettier and that sent OP off to bat shit crazy land

Bingo!

I am not divorced, am not in danger of being divorced, have no intentions to ever divorce my husband. We are very happy. So I am not bitter.

And yet I know clear eyed and not bitterly that I would be VERY uncomfortable knowing my children met a woman he started dating after 6 weeks.

My parents were divorced and I met three of their significant others. Two of whom are my stepparents, one my dad proposed to.

This is how it should be, children need stability.

Pffft. Once the parents split up, stability is permanently busted. You can't glue that pot back together by trying to stop the ex-spouses from seeing other people.

Who cares what the ex spouse does. It's who they are having around the children, that's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you even care? It's not like exDH's girlfriends are going to molest or beat your kids.

Lol. This is legit the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You realize how many women are molested by the partner of their mother? Not a big stretch to think the same couldn't happen if the genders were reversed. I think you should put something in the PSA about sleepovers. But that will obviously apply to you as well.

Yes it is a huge stretch. You are flat-out ignorant and a complete moron if you think children are molested by step-mothers/girlfriends at anywhere near the rate they are by step-fathers/boyfriends.

And you are stupid if you think molestation is the only form of harm from which kids must be protected.