Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make more than 3x DH's salary, tho he still makes a respectable amount (he's a GS-13 fed). I respect his work, he loves his job and we have the lifestyle that I wanted (DH would have been fine living in an apt). thats not really the way that I wanted to live though but I always knew that so went into a well-paying field. I did not expect to be able to live a certain lifestyle only if I married someone who could provide it.

Here's the answer OP. Do it yourself. Don't expect someone else to fund your lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

This is so right. For all those condemning OP and other PP's who have empathized with her, including me, the resentment is about more than just money. In my marriage, it came down to feeling that he wasn't as committed as I was to our family's future security. It was not about cold, hard cash for better vacations and "stuff" -- but the desire to be able to build toward our future security, through 529's, retirement savings, and home equity. I had deep anxiety about what the future could bring, and whether or not we would be financially prepared. We both signed on to providing a certain lifestyle -- nothing elaborate, believe me -- and it hurt me deeply to feel that I was killing myself to make this happen, and he was sort of coasting along, accepting that I was taking care of it. In our case, he wasn't even happy in the shitty job with no benefits that he had, which was even more infuriating. It was worth fighting about.

I'd be a lot more empathetic if OP would say if they've seen a financial planner (have you?) and what their HHI is. We're finding incredulous that after 10 years and double income, they can't afford to buy a place. Something isn't right. What the hell are THEY spending their money on? Why haven't they planned a route to home ownership? OP is focusing on her DH's job but so many other people with fewer resources do it all the time. What is holding these 2 'high achievers' back? It certainly can't just be because of her DH's job.

[Anonymous]

When you tell him - you need to go into private practice bc we need to save for a down payment and get out of this 2 bedroom over run with 4 people and toys - he says what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you tell him - you need to go into private practice bc we need to save for a down payment and get out of this 2 bedroom over run with 4 people and toys - he says what?

He says, "I've been applying to private sector jobs for years and years and none that would make the switch worthwhile are interviewing me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of these statements is acceptable and praised by women and one is loathed. Can you tell which is which?

a. Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it
b. Wife isn't good in bed and I secretly hate her for it

I think both are ridiculous.

I think both are legit beefs. As are

C my wife refuses to work and I secretly hate her for it
D my husband is bad in bed and I secretly hate him for it

Also ridiculous. This is your spouse--talk to each him/her instead of secretly hating.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are lousy in bed and your husband secretly hates you for it.

[Anonymous]

What people on this board never seem to understand is even if you only have Ivy degrees (which is apparently a prerequisite for sainthood), there are only so many high level jobs in corporations, law firms, and the government. Only so many people who graduated from the exact same schools can be in those jobs. Is it disappointing as crap when it doesn't happen? Absolutely but there is a certain amount of luck and timing that goes with it. I know people who would not have their jobs unless someone retired or got fired. Sure, they had to be ready for it but the position also had to be open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people on this board never seem to understand is even if you only have Ivy degrees (which is apparently a prerequisite for sainthood), there are only so many high level jobs in corporations, law firms, and the government. Only so many people who graduated from the exact same schools can be in those jobs. Is it disappointing as crap when it doesn't happen? Absolutely but there is a certain amount of luck and timing that goes with it. I know people who would not have their jobs unless someone retired or got fired. Sure, they had to be ready for it but the position also had to be open.

+1 what is with all these angry DWs expecting c-suite jobs to fall out of trees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I seriously don't get this. OP, hate yourself for not investing in the skills necessary to provide for yourself in the way that you'd like. It's not 1950.

This.

You're right. It's not 1950. In 1950 the economy was such that you only needed one income to support a family (buy a decently comfortable house in a good school district). Not so now.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I think our problem is that we are starting with nothing - no equity. Was a mistake to rent for 10 years. But then again, we both graduated penniless so buying wasn't in the cards when the market was good. We each scrimped and saved (prior to mtg and since) and are trying to get in now.

Yes, we saw a financial planner after DS1 was born to make sure we were putting enough into college (would like to pay for as much of it as we can) and retirement.

Goal: A nice 3 bedroom house in a school district of 8s and a 30 min commute to downtown. My job is demanding (50 - 55 hours a week) and I don't want to give up any more of my time - esp not to a commute. I'd move 1000 miles away but he wants his job. I want a house - a place to live our lives - that doesn't feel like a dungeon.

To the previous poster, I think your note about being mostly mad that he doesn't care is right. How could he not want more for our family? He grew up with all of the above but doesn't feel the same desire to provide it for our kids the way I do.

[Anonymous]

What's your hhi? Do you have a downpayment saved up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I think our problem is that we are starting with nothing - no equity. Was a mistake to rent for 10 years. But then again, we both graduated penniless so buying wasn't in the cards when the market was good. We each scrimped and saved (prior to mtg and since) and are trying to get in now.

Yes, we saw a financial planner after DS1 was born to make sure we were putting enough into college (would like to pay for as much of it as we can) and retirement.

Goal: A nice 3 bedroom house in a school district of 8s and a 30 min commute to downtown. My job is demanding (50 - 55 hours a week) and I don't want to give up any more of my time - esp not to a commute. I'd move 1000 miles away but he wants his job. I want a house - a place to live our lives - that doesn't feel like a dungeon.

To the previous poster, I think your note about being mostly mad that he doesn't care is right. How could he not want more for our family? He grew up with all of the above but doesn't feel the same desire to provide it for our kids the way I do.

Overall, it sounds you're in good financial shape. You're saving for college and retirement. I'm also assuming that you two have paid off most or all of your SL debts in past ten years. If you were in bad financial shape, I would be more sympathetic to your pov. It's not a matter of you wanting "more" and him wanting "less." It sounds like you two want different things.

Maybe your dh is okay with the current situation- fulfilling career and reasonable level of financial/material well-being. Living in a condo vs house is a personal preference. Maybe he doesn't think living in a house is important. Or doesn't care for hosting family/guests. Is he complaining about living in the condo? Does he think it's too small? If he is complaining and not doing anything about it, then that's a different situation.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered renting a house to give yourself more space? It's possible to find nice rentals inside the Beltway for not much more than what you'd pay on a 2br luxury condo.

[Anonymous]

One thing that attracts me to my DH is his ambition. He wants to move up, earn more money, get us comfortably situated because we want a big family and we want to give them a good life and show them the world.

If he were to suddenly lose this ambition, or if I were to find out that he lied about having it in the first place, then yes, we would have a problem. I *would* feel less attracted to him. If that makes me a prostitute then you can bite me.

This really has nothing to do with how much Op's husband currently makes or what he does or whether he's saving the country from Trump.

[Anonymous]

A very high quantity of guys have checked out on the feminists. Dudes don't want to be punching bags so they get passive aggressive , kick back and try to even out their life expectancy with women. By being lazy they can live longer and the harried feminist can shorten her life down to the level of men. It's a sensible plan.