Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both high achievers. He went to under grad and grad school at ivies but after few years opted for a gov job. I am 7 years younger but out warning him. We have two kids. He said when we were contemplating marriage that if we ever needed him to he would go into private practice and earn more. Fast forward 10years and we are still in dumpy apartment w two kids. I'm at my max earning potential. He refuses to leave gov job because he gets off on being on the "good side" and not being told what to do. I can't host family or send my kids to the local school, am up to my eyeballs in toys, and feel like total failure. Would leave DC any time but he refuses. I naively thought by the time we were at this point we would have household income that would buy decent house in decent school district. We are no where near that. I guess I'm venting.

It sounds to me that you are more upset that DH is not respecting the fact you are unhappy with your apartment lifestyle and location. I get this, because I used to live in an apartment when DS was born, and still dreamed of a single family home with a backyard and school within walking distance.

Instead of focusing on staying where you are and pushing DH to get a higher earning job, think about how to take into his desire to be on the "good side" with your desire for more space somewhere outside of DC. DH can work for a nonprofit or small business somewhere and you can move somewhere else.

This is so right. For all those condemning OP and other PP's who have empathized with her, including me, the resentment is about more than just money. In my marriage, it came down to feeling that he wasn't as committed as I was to our family's future security. It was not about cold, hard cash for better vacations and "stuff" -- but the desire to be able to build toward our future security, through 529's, retirement savings, and home equity. I had deep anxiety about what the future could bring, and whether or not we would be financially prepared. We both signed on to providing a certain lifestyle -- nothing elaborate, believe me -- and it hurt me deeply to feel that I was killing myself to make this happen, and he was sort of coasting along, accepting that I was taking care of it. In our case, he wasn't even happy in the shitty job with no benefits that he had, which was even more infuriating. It was worth fighting about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money isn't everything. My DH is an excellent provider. We agree on everything financially. We save money and still have enough to buy nice clothes, he lets me furnish the home however I want, plan luxury vacations.

But he rarely wants to sleep with me.

What's the problem? This is the dream of every women on this forum.

[Anonymous]

We're in a big (to my mind) 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath neocolonial house now--2 car garage, yard, finished basement, typical suburban home that is 200k in most parts of the country but we paid nearly 900k; we live outside a major urban east coast city (not DC).

that being said, my dream would be a nice condo or apartment in the city--paris, preferably-- and be in the middle of everything and have no maintenance. of course, it would cost just as much, but I'm trying to say that there is nothing inherently terrible about apartments. Most New yorkers live in them, as do my Parisian friends. I would love to just get rid of so much crap that we have that just gets in the way. DH loves the big house and grill though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn't everything. My DH is an excellent provider. We agree on everything financially. We save money and still have enough to buy nice clothes, he lets me furnish the home however I want, plan luxury vacations.

But he rarely wants to sleep with me.

What's the problem? This is the dream of every women on this forum.

Not me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man who has an ivy undergrad, and masters, and is an attorney making low six figures, and is presumably reasonably attractive, is probably in the 95% percentile of males. But DC women have insane expectations.

I'll take him OP!! ?

[Anonymous]

Interesting that we're 7 pgs in and OP still hasn't said what her DH does for a living and what his/their HHI is. Given the reference to private practice - I assume lawyer for the gov't or maybe a doctor. 10 yrs in as a gov't lawyer, wouldn't he be at the 160k max for the GS scale? Assuming OP even brings in another 60k (though I expect it to be much much more since she SUCH a high achiever), you're looking at 220k. I get it - that is not the income that is going to get you a new construction $1.8 million home in Bethesda, BUT is it THAT bad?? You can easily get a new construction townhome where I live in close in Arlington for that much - thus getting you out of the 2 bedroom apartment and solving your toy problem.

Is this one of those -- OMG we ONLY make 250k and are SOOOO poor threads??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

This has got to be a sarcastic post. If not and I was your DH, I would divorce your ass and make sure you didn't get a penny of my hard-earned money. You are the definition of gold-digger.

No. They have to live lean bc they dont know what he will eatn, and then they spend what he earns. Their lifestyle needs adjusting, and she would orefer to work less. That is not gold digging. But they do need to each make greater sacrifices for their family. Sometimes you dont get to have the career you want and the hours you want and the lifestyle you want. Pick two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP's DH is an AUSA or a DOJ/Main Justice guy, am I right? Sorry but there are guys over there OBSESSED with being on the "right side" and some work really hard for no money compared to what they could make in private practice or even the financial agencies. I'd keep fighting about it - esp since he did agree that he'd go into private practice if necessary. You need to make him realize it's necessary. What about the kids' college? Since you're still in a small apartment, I'm guessing college isn't a huge priority? Is that really ok with him given that he's an ivy undergrad and law grad? Maybe a reason like that lights a fire under him more than home ownership bc lots of guys do see a home as a chore -- i.e. shoveling snow; yard work etc.

I imagine we have different definitions of "necessary."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

My husband was in medical device sales for many years. Good years he'd make $250k - $275k and that was at top ortho and spine companies. A lot depends on the makeup of the territory. I think you're being way too hard on your husband. Sales is an ambiguous, stressful, uncertain field and leads to burnout. Hopefully your husband has a plan for when he hits that point. I'd advise you to max out your savings now, not try to reduce your income by working less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that we're 7 pgs in and OP still hasn't said what her DH does for a living and what his/their HHI is. Given the reference to private practice - I assume lawyer for the gov't or maybe a doctor. 10 yrs in as a gov't lawyer, wouldn't he be at the 160k max for the GS scale? Assuming OP even brings in another 60k (though I expect it to be much much more since she SUCH a high achiever), you're looking at 220k. I get it - that is not the income that is going to get you a new construction $1.8 million home in Bethesda, BUT is it THAT bad?? You can easily get a new construction townhome where I live in close in Arlington for that much - thus getting you out of the 2 bedroom apartment and solving your toy problem.

Is this one of those -- OMG we ONLY make 250k and are SOOOO poor threads??

OP says she out earns him. If her dh makes 160k and she makes 160K+, then their hhi is at least 320k or more. Unless they have a high amt of debt or some other unusual circumstances, the financial aspect of this post is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP's DH is an AUSA or a DOJ/Main Justice guy, am I right? Sorry but there are guys over there OBSESSED with being on the "right side" and some work really hard for no money compared to what they could make in private practice or even the financial agencies. I'd keep fighting about it - esp since he did agree that he'd go into private practice if necessary. You need to make him realize it's necessary. What about the kids' college? Since you're still in a small apartment, I'm guessing college isn't a huge priority? Is that really ok with him given that he's an ivy undergrad and law grad? Maybe a reason like that lights a fire under him more than home ownership bc lots of guys do see a home as a chore -- i.e. shoveling snow; yard work etc.

I imagine we have different definitions of "necessary."

I'm the PP you're quoting - yes - I'm sure we do. I have the same type of education as OP's DH and to me it is "necessary" to provide an ivy undergrad and grad education to my own kids - with me fully funding or funding it at such a level that their loans are pretty low. I also think healthy retirement savings and maximizing general savings is also necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say it but I kind of agree with you. DH is in sales and always exceeds his quota and is one of the top producers in his office. He wins national contests and by all means is successful at what he does. But he's 41 and only some years cracks 200K and that's barely. That is nothing to sneeze at but there serious money to be made if you're a talented salesman. He always wants to put everything off because he doesn't have consistent income and doesn't know if it will be a good/bad month/year. I work full time and he always promised me I could go part time (4 days/week) this coming year (childcare costs go down) due to my health issues but he reneged again because even though he's having a great year this year he can't predict next year. If I'm realistic it's never going to happen because he's never going to feel comfortable with me reducing my salary by 20% with his income as an unknown. Btw 20% of my income is $14K/year. Not pocket change but not life changing money either. I think part of it is ego--he'd rather have "success" where he is now and is highly regarded vs. go somewhere else and risk not being viewed as talented and successful and BMOC .

I hear about people in sales raking it in and wonder why DH isn't pursuing positions like those. I think it's fear of failure but because of that it impacts all of our lives due to it being so up and down. He's always seeking a huge year but it doesn't pan out. If it did he'd be constantly seeking it again and being pissy when it didn't happen. Honestly if he's never going to seek a position with higher risk/reward I'd rather him take a job with like a 150K salary and call it a day so we can at least budget accurately and we can base decisions on known vs. unknown. He refuses because he says he only wants to be in sales but it affects the whole family. He's great when he gets a deal and then we have to walk on eggshells when he's having a bad streak. I'm over it.

You are complaining about a husband who makes $200k?

+1. TROLL ALERT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that we're 7 pgs in and OP still hasn't said what her DH does for a living and what his/their HHI is. Given the reference to private practice - I assume lawyer for the gov't or maybe a doctor. 10 yrs in as a gov't lawyer, wouldn't he be at the 160k max for the GS scale? Assuming OP even brings in another 60k (though I expect it to be much much more since she SUCH a high achiever), you're looking at 220k. I get it - that is not the income that is going to get you a new construction $1.8 million home in Bethesda, BUT is it THAT bad?? You can easily get a new construction townhome where I live in close in Arlington for that much - thus getting you out of the 2 bedroom apartment and solving your toy problem.

Is this one of those -- OMG we ONLY make 250k and are SOOOO poor threads??

OP says she out earns him. If her dh makes 160k and she makes 160K+, then their hhi is at least 320k or more. Unless they have a high amt of debt or some other unusual circumstances, the financial aspect of this post is odd.

Totally missed that she out earns him. So if they have a 300k+ HHI, then I bet this is someone who is annoyed that they can't just go get a $2 million new construction in Bethesda like she sees DH's law school friends who are in biglaw or inhouse doing . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that we're 7 pgs in and OP still hasn't said what her DH does for a living and what his/their HHI is. Given the reference to private practice - I assume lawyer for the gov't or maybe a doctor. 10 yrs in as a gov't lawyer, wouldn't he be at the 160k max for the GS scale? Assuming OP even brings in another 60k (though I expect it to be much much more since she SUCH a high achiever), you're looking at 220k. I get it - that is not the income that is going to get you a new construction $1.8 million home in Bethesda, BUT is it THAT bad?? You can easily get a new construction townhome where I live in close in Arlington for that much - thus getting you out of the 2 bedroom apartment and solving your toy problem.

Is this one of those -- OMG we ONLY make 250k and are SOOOO poor threads??

OP says she out earns him. If her dh makes 160k and she makes 160K+, then their hhi is at least 320k or more. Unless they have a high amt of debt or some other unusual circumstances, the financial aspect of this post is odd.

Totally missed that she out earns him. So if they have a 300k+ HHI, then I bet this is someone who is annoyed that they can't just go get a $2 million new construction in Bethesda like she sees DH's law school friends who are in biglaw or inhouse doing . . . .

It's amusing when threads started by a troll make it to 7 pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that we're 7 pgs in and OP still hasn't said what her DH does for a living and what his/their HHI is. Given the reference to private practice - I assume lawyer for the gov't or maybe a doctor. 10 yrs in as a gov't lawyer, wouldn't he be at the 160k max for the GS scale? Assuming OP even brings in another 60k (though I expect it to be much much more since she SUCH a high achiever), you're looking at 220k. I get it - that is not the income that is going to get you a new construction $1.8 million home in Bethesda, BUT is it THAT bad?? You can easily get a new construction townhome where I live in close in Arlington for that much - thus getting you out of the 2 bedroom apartment and solving your toy problem.

Is this one of those -- OMG we ONLY make 250k and are SOOOO poor threads??

The pay scale doesn't always work like that. He might be just a staff lawyer at one of the smaller agencies, and he could very well be a GS 13 or maybe a 14. There are 10 steps in the scale for each grade. Within-grade/step increases are annual at first, but then they slow down with a longer waiting period between steps. So just because you start at a step 1 doesn't mean you are at a step 10 after 10 years. Bottom line, he may very well be making closer to $130K, which isn't terrible, especially combined with her income which she says is higher than his. But if they both have college debt and they also have significant daycare expenses, they could certainly be squeezed to save up a decent down payment. Could they cut back and scrimp and save, sure - they should! But when your income doesn't align with your expenses, it makes sense to look at both parts of the equation. Where can we spend less, and how can we bring more money in? If he could easily bring in say another $100K, doesn't it seem worth at least considering? OP, please give us the numbers.