Am I rude for staying in a hotel?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

^^sorry, PP, but you're giving me martyr vibes.

What? PP is being HONEST. There is work involved in hosting overnight guests, especially if you don't have dedicated guest bedrooms. It's just something to be aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

eh, a guest bringing a hot dish and/or helping out with the dishes does not diminish the role of the host at all. Offering to help out the host at a friendly Thanksgiving gathering seems pretty basic actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

You must not be invited to visit often; I can see why. When I visit FRIENDS and have FRIENDS stay with me, yes, the hosts do the lion's share of work, but the guests definitely offer to help and get involved, at least in some small way. I would never dream of watching my hosts cook me dinner or breakfast without at least offering to make a salad or set the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is whacked out.

+1. So strange. Why does it even matter where one sleeps?! Very odd. I am not sure getting further into this with her would improve the situation. Clearly she is very bizarre. If you care about the family, I would say something along the lines of "I am not sure I understand what you mean, I figured this would be best for all given the limited space. I need my sleep and would prefer to have more privacy. I am looking forward to see you all. I didn't mean to offend you. Apologies if I have unintentionally done so."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is whacked out.

+1. So strange. Why does it even matter where one sleeps?! Very odd. I am not sure getting further into this with her would improve the situation. Clearly she is very bizarre. If you care about the family, I would say something along the lines of "I am not sure I understand what you mean, I figured this would be best for all given the limited space. I need my sleep and would prefer to have more privacy. I am looking forward to see you all. I didn't mean to offend you. Apologies if I have unintentionally done so."

Yeah, I guess you could phrase it just like that if you don't mind being perceived as a bit....snooty.

[Anonymous]

Offer to babysit and convince her and your bro to go out on a date stay in your hotel the first night while you and sis slumber party with the kids. She goes low, you go high.

[Anonymous]

I am thankful when relatives stay in hotels. I prefer hotels myself, because other people's houses are just not as relaxing. I can see when it's a money issue, but if you can easily afford it, I'm at a loss why her feelings would be hurt. It's pretty ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and SIL will be hosting TG this year. They have 2 kids under 4 and a pet dog. It's a very busy small house. The plan was for the immediate family to stay at their house. I was talking with my sister and we decided to stay in a hotel so we can get some restful sleep. Neither of us are keen on sleeping on air mattresses where ever they can stick us. In fact I thought they would be relieved there would be 2 less people in their house at night. The hotel we picked is within a mile of their house and we will have a car rental. No one will be put out having to give us rides to/from the hotel. I received this reply email from my SIL:

That is so typical of you and XXXXX. Enjoy your hotel stay.

I am not even sure how to respond. Should I? I don't want there to be tension. I think she was out of line with this email.

Staying in a hotel is fine. 1 mile away is great, rental car is great, ability to be there as early or late as everyone wants is great.
Sounds great.

Of course, if they are Asian or European they will be highly offending you don't want to squeeze in the house and get the full family family family effect. BFD and highly overrated.

Sorry your brother or your SIL gave you a snide remark. Bring a house gift and make sure you let them know if is nothing to do with their house or kids or dog, just say you wanted to go easy on them and are happy to be over as early as late as possible! Looking fw to it guys! xxoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

You must not be invited to visit often; I can see why. When I visit FRIENDS and have FRIENDS stay with me, yes, the hosts do the lion's share of work, but the guests definitely offer to help and get involved, at least in some small way. I would never dream of watching my hosts cook me dinner or breakfast without at least offering to make a salad or set the table.

I have never seen a deadweight houseguest in any of my places the last 20 years. People bring gifts, they clean up, they take us out to dinner, they leave a note sometimes.

But when our British aunt/uncle some, they don't tell us how long (it is 3 weeks!), they bring something but then proceed to needs rides, groceries bought for them 3x a week, etc. We feel taken advantage of and that they are rude, especially since we work fulltime and have three young children. It's a real PITA to care for two adult dependents for anything over a weekend, big expense too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

eh, a guest bringing a hot dish and/or helping out with the dishes does not diminish the role of the host at all. Offering to help out the host at a friendly Thanksgiving gathering seems pretty basic actually.

NP, guests don't set up or clean up. Those are the duties of the host. I agree with PP, what your describing is having dinner at your house.

[Anonymous]

I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

If they are helping, they are not a guest and you are not a hostess. Call it "having family over" if it makes you feel better, but it's not hospitality.

eh, a guest bringing a hot dish and/or helping out with the dishes does not diminish the role of the host at all. Offering to help out the host at a friendly Thanksgiving gathering seems pretty basic actually.

NP, guests don't set up or clean up. Those are the duties of the host. I agree with PP, what your describing is having dinner at your house.

I am not going to go to a formal dinner with caterers, etc and offer to help with the dishes. But at a friendly Thanksgiving dinner I will always at least offer to help out simply to show my appreciation for their efforts in hosting the dinner. Whether or not the host takes me up on it is always up to the host. But either way the host is still the one hosting the dinner. I am still the guest whether I help out or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Seriously, I'm fine if a guest would prefer to stay in a hotel. Really I am. My feelings won't be hurt even though we have the room and would love to have them stay over.

I understand that some people are more comfortable staying in a hotel. Sometimes I feel that way too. It really shouldn't be a big deal unless you wait until the last minute to tell the host that you will be staying in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Oh, enough of this "togetherness" fetish. Togetherness togetherness togetherness! I need some space and privacy for my own well-being.

An invitation to stay at someone's home is just that: an invitation. Not a summons. Some would-be hosts need to understand that when extending invitations, they may be declined. Accept the decision gracefully.