Am I rude for staying in a hotel?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is a bitch. I would ignore. If she was somehow expecting lots of help from you, she is a terrible hostess.

Wow, I would never expect to just eat and drink and be catered to as a guest. Hosting is a lot of work. I'm so glad my guests always offer to contribute. I do the lion's share, but in our family, everyone helps and is grateful for being hosted.

[Anonymous]

Fine for you to stay in a hotel. What's the backstory here? I'm guessing there's a history which contributed to why she's upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you and your sister young, unmarried and/or childless?

Why does it matter? Other than SIL feeling and acting superior to them, I guess...

Because if OP and her sister swan in and out for meal times and leave all prep, cooking, cleaning, shopping and child care to their hosts, they suck.

Yes, because the young and the childless are the only ones who slack on responsibility.

Much better for SIL to hold them hostage in order for her to ensure that they pay their debt to the family holiday by incurring the requisite number of hours of shared childcare.

Seriously, PP? My guess is many of the older marrieds will shirk out of many things in order to enjoy football or surf the net for Black Friday deals, like anyone else.

Please. We all have those "single and loving it" family members who contribute nothing, consume everything, and complain any time a child dares to make a peep. Maybe if you don't think this is true, it's you.

Wow, you sound like you could use another coffee.

I'm the oldest child, and I usually host. My youngest, *gasp* childless brother is an amazing guest who always helps clear the table, tidies the room he uses, helps pour wine, etc. He always shows up with some kind of hostess grift. He has stayed with me on numerous occasions and he is welcome any time.
The middle brother doesn't so much as bring his own plate into the kitchen, much less anyone else's, or offer to help with lighting the candles. He He's also welcome any time.

Difference is, if I offer to host, I know it's on me to host and make everyone happy and comfortable. Coming to my home and celebrating something I invited you to come and enjoy doesn't come with a price of admission.

If SIL doesn't like OP as a guest, she either needs to alter her perceptions of what being a host or what her expectations of guests is.

[Anonymous]

I like having everyone together, but not if it means air mattresses on the floor.

Just carry on, OP.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are like this. We sometimes spend more than a week with them and we spend EVERY Christmas at their house. My DH is one of ten kids, most are married with children. There ends up being ~25 people in <2000 sq ft house. Several times they have had grandma sleeping on a cot in the kitchen!!!

They get offended if we leave for a night or two to visit my family that lives 1 1/2- 2 hours away from them. Crap, they get offended if I have lunch with a friend in the same town.

On the other hand, DH is awful in supporting me. One year I wanted our kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning and he threatened to take them to see his parents with or without me "because their grandparents have a right to see them on Christmas." And their mom doesn't??? I suppose this belongs in the relationship forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are like this. We sometimes spend more than a week with them and we spend EVERY Christmas at their house. My DH is one of ten kids, most are married with children. There ends up being ~25 people in <2000 sq ft house. Several times they have had grandma sleeping on a cot in the kitchen!!!

They get offended if we leave for a night or two to visit my family that lives 1 1/2- 2 hours away from them. Crap, they get offended if I have lunch with a friend in the same town.

On the other hand, DH is awful in supporting me. One year I wanted our kids to wake up in their own home for Christmas morning and he threatened to take them to see his parents with or without me "because their grandparents have a right to see them on Christmas." And their mom doesn't??? I suppose this belongs in the relationship forum.

Wow. Your DH is an ass.

[Anonymous]

She's extremely rude and out of line. You are entitled to stay where you are, but for the moment she's taking it personally. I don't think you should respond at all - there's no good answer to such a message.

And don't worry - after a while, your SIL will begin to understand how nice it is that you're not underfoot all the time in her house! Depending on her personality, it might take a while, but she'll come round.

[Anonymous]

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine for you to stay in a hotel. What's the backstory here? I'm guessing there's a history which contributed to why she's upset?

Maybe she had happy images of you all in the kitchen together or special moments shared late in the evening over drinks? Your staying at a hotel may signify to her a withdrawal from the event. She's angry and sad that her thoughts about you guys playing with her kids, a house full of laughter and family have been taken away from her.

Money is never money. Time is never time. This hotel is not just a hotel. It means something else.

Bring an activity you can do with the kids, and a bottle of something you guys can share after they're in bed. It'll announce that you're only going to the hotel for sleep. You'll be there for morning coffee. You'll be part of the team, part of the family.

She's probably so stressed out trying to bring this beautiful vision into being that your email hit her hard. Be kind, if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow. I think I might skip thanksgiving if I got that message. I definitely would only be talking to my brother from then on.

over react much?

Nope. Don't have time in my life for rude, hostile people.

[Anonymous]

She may have envisioned herself puttering around in the kitchen while everyone else watched and entertained the kids.

[Anonymous]

^In other words, she hadn't planned to have her kids underfoot while she tried to prep/prepare a huge meal for everyone else.

Definitely be sure to help out with her kids. Play games. Maybe even offer to get them out of the house - go to the playground or even offer to bring them to the hotel for a swim.

[Anonymous]

We started staying in hotels when we could afford it when visiting ILS. Everybody was happier. She sounds awful. We don't stay in hotels when we visit my family but they have a huge house with a separate apartment for us.

[Anonymous]

She may feel like all the fun and camaraderie is now going to happen at the hotel while she slaves away by herself.

[Anonymous]

I live in the same city as my aunt and uncle, who have 4 grown children with kids of their own, 3 girls and one boy. 2 of the girls conspire with their mom to leave the third girl and her family out. They gossip about her, say they don't like her husband, talk about how fat she has gotten and how ill behaved her children are. They are judgy and mean. It's just a bad dynamic, 3 against 1. Could there be something like this playing out?