Am I rude for staying in a hotel?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Grow up. Adults can choose where to sleep. It does not diminish the holiday. And sleeping on an air mattress is terrible for your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Drama Queen! Wow.

Nope, it's not some huge statement or huge rejection. It's not some deep, debasing insult. It's simply that grown-ass people need a decent night's sleep in a decent bed, and some time and space for themselves. Period. Being together is important, but you don't have to spend every moment of every day sitting in each other's laps and waiting in line 20 minutes for the bathroom to have meaningful together time.

Sometimes it really is about what it's about. And in this case, it's about a real actual mattress.

If OP changed her mind and only let her brother/SIL know about this a few days ago, then yes, she sucks. But not for ANY of the reasons listed above.

[Anonymous]

It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Oh, enough of this "togetherness" fetish. Togetherness togetherness togetherness! I need some space and privacy for my own well-being.

An invitation to stay at someone's home is just that: an invitation. Not a summons. Some would-be hosts need to understand that when extending invitations, they may be declined. Accept the decision gracefully.

+1

You're not spending time together while you sleep, anyway. This obsession with "we have to have breakfast together! We have to stay up all hours together!" is childish.

Visiting relatives can come by late morning, help with meal prep, spend plenty of quality time, and then leave 9-10 or whenever, and everyone gets some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

Actually, I don't think that is true at all. It's more of an age thing. In my 20's I was up for sleeping on air mattresses, sharing bathrooms, waiting my turn in the kitchen. I was used to living like that - I had recently been living in a dorm and then in a group house after that.

But as a middle aged person, air mattresses and bathroom lines are simply not my thing. If I can afford to do so, I will be happy to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

[Anonymous]

A couple thoughts ~ when I prepare for guests I don't do SO much that I exhaust myself and become resentful. Whatever chores I do to get ready for guests, I'll make sure that it's just a good idea to do it.

And another thought. If I really want to stay in a hotel instead of with relatives it's because I know I will be a much better guest, more engaged when together, more cheerful. I'll offer everyone a better self if I'm well rested and have a little alone time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

Actually, I don't think that is true at all. It's more of an age thing. In my 20's I was up for sleeping on air mattresses, sharing bathrooms, waiting my turn in the kitchen. I was used to living like that - I had recently been living in a dorm and then in a group house after that.

But as a middle aged person, air mattresses and bathroom lines are simply not my thing. If I can afford to do so, I will be happy to stay in a hotel.

+1

~55 and my days of air mattresses are gone

[Anonymous]

I'm a grown ass woman with a good income who does not sleep on sofas or air mattresses any more. Period. I'll come visit, hang out, help, whatever. But come bedtime, I want my own room and bathroom and I'll happily pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Inviting someone to stay at your house and then telling them they will be sleeping on an air mattress and sharing the bathroom with the kids is like inviting someone to dinner and then telling them you're serving 3-day old leftovers and just ran out of wine.

My response will be the same: "Love to spend time together! I'll make a reservation (hotel or restaurant) now!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always the people with the small-ass houses that take all this hosting stuff so freaking personally.

It's not about you, it's just that you have a small-ass house, OK? It might be quaint, cozy and charming--a great place to enjoy a few meals and board games and watching a movie or two. But when it is time to sleep, I am an ADULT and I'm going to go sleep in a real bed, not in some air mattress in an unfinished basement.

+1

Insecurity.

I'm also the type who couldn't care less if visitors stay in a hotel, because I like my space too. But my guess, OP, is that she knows her house is small, feels stressed about it, and now feels rejected for it. I'm more of an open type so I'd probably be direct about this ("hey, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. Please know I'm there first thing in the morning and after bedtime and so looking forward to it. Let me know what I can bring! And promise me we're going to play dominoes again!") but the deflecting "thanks! Excited to see you Thursday!" is fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

It doesn't sound as though you go through much trouble for your guests so you probably don't understand why Op's SIL might be annoyed with Op.

Ideally, you catch the host BEFORE they've gone out of their way to prepare their house for you.

You wouldn't call a friend up for a ride and then wait for them to show up to pick you up before telling them, "Oh, don't worry about the ride I've decided to take uber instead."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would forward her message to your brother and say, 'It seems like [SIL] is upset. Please understand that sis & I are staying at the hotel to make life easier for both of you - you are already doing so much by having us over for thanksgiving. Sorry for any misunderstandings. Please let me know how we can help out. Look forward to seeing you '

This, except I would send it directly to sil. She's probably under the assumption that you guys will show up when dinner is ready (after enjoying time at the hotel pool) and then leave right when dessert is done and not provide any help. (If this is your plan, then you are rude, but not because you are staying in the hotel).

I would also add in the note that you would be happy to come as early as necessary to help with the meal prep and clean up.

Also, if there are a bunch of kids involved, then there's also a good chance her kids have also been looking forward to having their cousins sleep over, which just adds to the disappointment felt by her family.

Invited guests are not obligated to help out. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so great. Mainly bc I can see this exchange between my mom and my SIL. My mom wants to stay up until 1 am gabbing with her kids and their wives and my SIL says "we'd be more comfortable at the hotel."

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is silly. As someone who is currently managing six visiting in-laws (+me and DH) in a three-bedroom rowhouse for a week, I would love it if one or more of them decided to get themselves a hotel or airbnb. Or buy some groceries, or run a load of laundry, or help with dinner, or pay for their own activities, or assist in any way, really.

Three days down, five more to go...