Am I rude for staying in a hotel?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would forward her message to your brother and say, 'It seems like [SIL] is upset. Please understand that sis & I are staying at the hotel to make life easier for both of you - you are already doing so much by having us over for thanksgiving. Sorry for any misunderstandings. Please let me know how we can help out. Look forward to seeing you '

No, no, no. If I were SIL, this would make things worse. Your decision, you own it. Don't make it into some fake thing about it being done to be thoughtful toward me. That's just insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you!"

This. Don't feed the passive aggressiveness. If she is upset that you're staying in a hotel, it's her responsibility to say that. Don't manage her feelings. You've taken them into consideration by getting a hotel so that her house isn't overrun.

Do not engage in her nonsense.

I disagree. I'm a big fan of communication. She's hurt and you can acknowledge her feelings and still do what you want without feeling guilty:

"Hey Larla, You sound unhappy that we are staying in a hotel this time around. Last time we did the air bed thing, my back hurt for days and the kids didn't sleep as much as they need, which threw us all out of whack. I imagine it will be easier for you also, without so many people using up the bathrooms We will have a car and will only be a mile away, we will be there as much as we can during the day, but it's just best for us to be in a hotel at night. I can't wait to see you! Let me know what I can bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would forward her message to your brother and say, 'It seems like [SIL] is upset. Please understand that sis & I are staying at the hotel to make life easier for both of you - you are already doing so much by having us over for thanksgiving. Sorry for any misunderstandings. Please let me know how we can help out. Look forward to seeing you '

+1


She may come from a family where everyone bunked with each other and it was part of the whole holiday experience. Different families have different traditions and melding them is not often smooth.

This is my family...part of the fun is waking up together and having coffee and making breakfast or talking or playing games late into the night. It's the casual togetherness that we enjoy and it's the place where you find the unscripted/unmanaged moments that make such great memories, especially when young kids are involved. If my brother/SIL didn't want to do that, I'd be a little bummed out, but would understand that it doesn't work for them and wouldn't send a nasty email. It would make me mad though if they tried to say it was to spare me work because that wouldn't really be why they were doing it.

[Anonymous]

There seems to be a history here of OP separating herself from the rest of the family or something similar (use of "typical"). Not saying either party is right/wrong but OP needs to add context.

[Anonymous]

Do not turn it around and try to pretend you were trying to make her life comfortable. That's just a lie, and there is no reason to lie.

With you and your sister are now staying in a hotel, who is left staying at your brothers? Is your S I L now in the position of posting the less fun/interesting family, only to know that you and your sister have together decided to have a nice set up get together of your own at the hotel? That's what would leave me feeling disappointed. Also, when did you tell her? Just now? If you weeks ago? I'm guessing her kids were excited to have a big family sleepover with your kids. Now they're just left thinking that your kids and your sisters kids are going to go hang out and they will show up for what they feel like. I'm guessing your SIL is having to manage her kids disappointment on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you!"

This. Don't feed the passive aggressiveness. If she is upset that you're staying in a hotel, it's her responsibility to say that. Don't manage her feelings. You've taken them into consideration by getting a hotel so that her house isn't overrun.

Do not engage in her nonsense.

Is there history or a backstory? Is she referring to past events when she says "this is just like you?"

In any event, SIL isnt really being passive aggressive here. She IS very clearly letting you know that she is upset by you staying in a hotel, albeit in a snarky immature way. I agree with PP who noted that in some families (mine included) everyone staying at the same house -even in tight, chaotic quarters - is part of the holiday "fun" and bonding, especially for the kids. Given that background and family tradition, I can see SIL being disappointed or even offended that you chose to opt out of this, especially if you did it without talking to her first. Helping make sure that her house isn't overrun isn't really taking her into consideration if in fact she was looking forward to and expecting that holiday experience. I would try to rise above her sarcastic text and reach out, acknowledging that she is upset, and letting her know what your intentions were and that you meant no offense in getting a hotel. Perhaps you could consider spending one night at her house?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws love the bunking mentality with large extended family. It took them a while to realize that not everyone sees it as a fun camping adventure. Over time they acknowledged that it's less of an ordeal for many to have the option of staying elsewhere, but it took a few years.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the problem is lack of notice? For all you know, she spent some money on a new air mattress and other things to make your more comfortable.

The way to have done this was to send a note a month ago announcing that you and sis were thinking of taking a hotel room to give everyone a bit more space.

You two be sure you are there as much as possible and only at the hotel to sleep or swim With the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There seems to be a history here of OP separating herself from the rest of the family or something similar (use of "typical"). Not saying either party is right/wrong but OP needs to add context.

Sounds like sil just has a chip on her shoulder to me. IMO the person more likely to be the root of the problem in this scenario is the one who was unabashedly rude when she could have chosen politeness and gentle persuasion instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws love the bunking mentality with large extended family. It took them a while to realize that not everyone sees it as a fun camping adventure. Over time they acknowledged that it's less of an ordeal for many to have the option of staying elsewhere, but it took a few years.

Same with my family. My mother always found a way to fit all adult children and their families, and I loved it until I had a rambunctious toddler (who woke up early every day) and a baby, and my mother had two dogs and an evil cat. Trying to keep that mix quiet every morning until 8 am was just too stressful. It was a tough decision to make, but life was much better for everyone when we started staying in a hotel during our visits. Kids got to burn off some of that early am energy in the pool, people in the house got to sleep in and didn't have to be quiet during nap times, more room for everyone, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you!"

This. Don't feed the passive aggressiveness. If she is upset that you're staying in a hotel, it's her responsibility to say that. Don't manage her feelings. You've taken them into consideration by getting a hotel so that her house isn't overrun.

Do not engage in her nonsense.

+1

[Anonymous]

wow. I think I might skip thanksgiving if I got that message. I definitely would only be talking to my brother from then on.

[Anonymous]

Sleep is an absolute premium for me as a working mom. If someome insists on the "bunking mentality" then they better be providing me with an actual bed in my own quiet, dark room. If not, hotel for me! It annoys me to no end to get judgment on this front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the problem is lack of notice? For all you know, she spent some money on a new air mattress and other things to make your more comfortable.

The way to have done this was to send a note a month ago announcing that you and sis were thinking of taking a hotel room to give everyone a bit more space.

You two be sure you are there as much as possible and only at the hotel to sleep or swim With the kids.

You sound as bad as SIL. It's OPs time off and holiday as well, and she can choose, as any adult can, how to best spend her time. She is already incurring the cost of travel and hotel, plus time. That hotel is there for her convenience as she sees fit. OP was invited to Thanksgiving - it's not a summons and shouldn't be a sentence. It's also supposed to be time for OP to enjoy.

SIL can return her air mattress if it's such a financial burden to her, and hopefully check in her petulant and childish response to disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "Thanks! Looking forward to seeing you!"

This. Don't feed the passive aggressiveness. If she is upset that you're staying in a hotel, it's her responsibility to say that. Don't manage her feelings. You've taken them into consideration by getting a hotel so that her house isn't overrun.

Do not engage in her nonsense.

+1

+2
Don't do that other communication crap. She had a chance to do that first instead of sending you a sniping first shot. Instead of you saying "hey you sound upset" she should have STARTED with "hey, I'm upset". So eff her.

Just say, "yep, it's typical of us so we figured you wouldn't be surprised." bam.
Love family drama. (I go through this frequently with my own sisters. Flesh and blood, grownups, for years.)