Am I rude for staying in a hotel?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

It doesn't sound as though you go through much trouble for your guests so you probably don't understand why Op's SIL might be annoyed with Op.

Ideally, you catch the host BEFORE they've gone out of their way to prepare their house for you.

You wouldn't call a friend up for a ride and then wait for them to show up to pick you up before telling them, "Oh, don't worry about the ride I've decided to take uber instead."

Excuse me but I do go through trouble for my guests. Most recent guest had a private room-freshly laundered bedding and 2 new pillows. 5 clean towels, toiletry products stocked in PRIVATE bath. Water bottle on bedside table. Chair for luggage-chair for seat, empty closet [lighted]. Note with wifi password, etc.

Looked like nice hotel room. Purchased cereal, yogurt, etc that guest prefers. To sum it up the OP's relative does not have the space for adults to stay comfortably.
We even let guests choose what to watch on TV in the FR...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a grown ass woman with a good income who does not sleep on sofas or air mattresses any more. Period. I'll come visit, hang out, help, whatever. But come bedtime, I want my own room and bathroom and I'll happily pay for it.

and to add to my rebuttal the above poster summed it up very nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

It doesn't sound as though you go through much trouble for your guests so you probably don't understand why Op's SIL might be annoyed with Op.

Ideally, you catch the host BEFORE they've gone out of their way to prepare their house for you.

You wouldn't call a friend up for a ride and then wait for them to show up to pick you up before telling them, "Oh, don't worry about the ride I've decided to take uber instead."

Excuse me but I do go through trouble for my guests. Most recent guest had a private room-freshly laundered bedding and 2 new pillows. 5 clean towels, toiletry products stocked in PRIVATE bath. Water bottle on bedside table. Chair for luggage-chair for seat, empty closet [lighted]. Note with wifi password, etc.

Looked like nice hotel room. Purchased cereal, yogurt, etc that guest prefers. To sum it up the OP's relative does not have the space for adults to stay comfortably.
We even let guests choose what to watch on TV in the FR...

O.k. You are aware that a guest can decline an invite to stay overnight from the get go. Don't wait until the host has already prepared your room for you and shopped for your meals. Just spit it out - "Thank you so much for the invite. I prefer to stay in a hotel but I would love to come to dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

So what if the SIL moved crap around? SIL has a small house, 2 young kids, and no guest room. There is no reason OP should stay there if she can afford a hotel 1 mile away. OP can help cook. When we had people over for Thanksgiving we did not expect them to help cook. This year we have people coming and I don't expect them to cook. Bring a dessert and some beverage of choice.

OP most likely is feeling touchy ... Air mattress just to eat a frozen burrito and a lasagna? No reason OP can't drive over for a burrito if that's what SIL makes----

How far is OP driving or flying? Why should OP babysit SIL's kids?

It doesn't sound as though you go through much trouble for your guests so you probably don't understand why Op's SIL might be annoyed with Op.

Ideally, you catch the host BEFORE they've gone out of their way to prepare their house for you.

You wouldn't call a friend up for a ride and then wait for them to show up to pick you up before telling them, "Oh, don't worry about the ride I've decided to take uber instead."

Excuse me but I do go through trouble for my guests. Most recent guest had a private room-freshly laundered bedding and 2 new pillows. 5 clean towels, toiletry products stocked in PRIVATE bath. Water bottle on bedside table. Chair for luggage-chair for seat, empty closet [lighted]. Note with wifi password, etc.

Looked like nice hotel room. Purchased cereal, yogurt, etc that guest prefers. To sum it up the OP's relative does not have the space for adults to stay comfortably.
We even let guests choose what to watch on TV in the FR...

O.k. You are aware that a guest can decline an invite to stay overnight from the get go. Don't wait until the host has already prepared your room for you and shopped for your meals. Just spit it out - "Thank you so much for the invite. I prefer to stay in a hotel but I would love to come to dinner."

This. Don't mush-mouth your assent, stew about it, and change plans last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

Wow. You really are making this personal, huh? It seems you have issues with your SIL and are projecting and assuming about her thoughts and motives. No one is saying your house is not good enough, so stop making it personal.


OP -- you never came back. What did you and your sister do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

OMG it isn't all about you. Some of us are introverts and need time and space away from all of you.

[Anonymous]

I only ever stay at hotels. I love hotels. If my relatives take that personally, that's really too bad for them. You will pry my plush hotel bathrobe out of my cold dead hands.

[Anonymous]

Ah so you are the reason why the bathrobes have semen stains on them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

^^sorry, PP, but you're giving me martyr vibes.

What? PP is being HONEST. There is work involved in hosting overnight guests, especially if you don't have dedicated guest bedrooms. It's just something to be aware of.

Hosting is not for the host. It's for the guest. If someone is going to be more comfortable sleeping elsewhere a gracious host understands. SIL sounds like thanksgiving bridezilla.

Unless you're Martha Stewart you're not doing all of the crazy stuffy above anyway. And if the house was going to be quite full, two overnight guests don't change the shopping and cooking equation much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

OMG it isn't all about you. Some of us are introverts and need time and space away from all of you.

Christ on a cracker. So you invite someone over and they have to stay regardless of whether they'll enjoy it because your act of inviting them is so generous? It'd be more intimate and special to desire their comfort and happiness. But instead you make it about your strange emotional need for validation and loyalty. What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would forward her message to your brother and say, 'It seems like [SIL] is upset. Please understand that sis & I are staying at the hotel to make life easier for both of you - you are already doing so much by having us over for thanksgiving. Sorry for any misunderstandings. Please let me know how we can help out. Look forward to seeing you '

That's really a good way to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you gave less than 2 weeks notice, that is extremely rude. A lot of people cook, clean, shop and plan far ahead, and there is no excuse for not making up your mind and communicating--Thanksgiving is a set, known date.

Two weeks notice to sleep to sleep on an air mattress? They are doing everyone a favor. No where did she say they were canceling their trip.

You don't know the circumstances. It could mean unpacking boxes and clearing out closets from a recent move. It could mean organizing kids' rooms so that they'd be sleeping together. It could mean getting said air mattresses out of storage, or borrowing them for a friend. It could mean moving office furniture to the basement to make room for the air mattress. It could mean cooking/freezing in advance--you do realize there are more meals than just Thanksgiving dinner, yes? I, personally, have made and frozen lasagnas, bolognese sauce, enchiladas, breakfast burritos, etc., well in advance of holidays.

It can mean buying and washing extra sheets and pillows, or extra sets of towels.

Lots of work goes into hosting. And if you are letting your friends or family know of your new plans just a few days out? Yeah, you are inconsiderate.

^^sorry, PP, but you're giving me martyr vibes.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a SIL go and book a hotel because staying at my house didn't meet her comfort standards. Ultimately the comfort standards are irrelevant--whether it's an air mattress or a twin bed it just doesn't matter. When someone extends the offer of hospitality, it's one of the most generous and intimate invitations they can extend. To have it rejected because it is imperfect to the recipient is so insulting. Why? Because the host is also really inconvenienced by the arrangement but they've made a statement that all of us being together is more important than me keeping my house perfectly tidy or any other superficial measure of perfection. What is most important is being together. By rejecting your offer you are saying the opposite--that being physically comfortable is more important than being together. You are also implying that her house isn't good enough--which she already knows and by extending hospitality to you she was making the smallness of her house a vulnerability that you just pounced on. It hurts.

OMG it isn't all about you. Some of us are introverts and need time and space away from all of you.

Christ on a cracker. So you invite someone over and they have to stay regardless of whether they'll enjoy it because your act of inviting them is so generous? It'd be more intimate and special to desire their comfort and happiness. But instead you make it about your strange emotional need for validation and loyalty. What a nightmare.

Yeah. That about sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no. I never stay with my brother because that means I'm the live in babysitter on my vacation and F that!!! I breeze in and breeze out of their mess, kids and pets. My sil expects me to do a full 8-10 hr babysitting shift while she naps and has me time. She says it's so I can bond with my nieces haha! I can do that while you're there with me supervising your own kids, thanks!

[Anonymous]

I don't really want to stay anywhere where there's a dog. I don't like dogs, my kids are nervous around dogs, and dogs make a house gross in a really inescapable way. You can't smell your dog on everything, but I sure can. If I wanted to sleep in a house with a dog I would get a dog. But if you have a dog, it makes me not want to sleep at your house.