Anyone regret becoming a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

I stayed at home to raise my kids, working a part time job for only a few years. My husband recently decided he no longer wants to be married and I am dealing with the repercussions of staying home. My kids had the luxury of my being home but the real person who benefitted was my husband who didn't lift a finger around the house for years. I now need to face a retirement that will be radically different than what we planned for. I have daughters and will strongly encourage them to never fully leave the work force.

[Anonymous]

I worked as a scientist but now a SAHM and I absolutely love it! I love staying home with my baby and taking care of my DH, cooking and keeping our house in order. Getting up whenever I want to. I also enjoy dropping off/picking up DH from work. I wish I never have to go back to work and have to worry about people throwing me under the bus or if my company is outsourcing to China. I know that I will not have career to go back to several years from now so planning to go back to school and retrain for another field. Enjoying this moment because I know it's not going to last but at least I experienced it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked as a scientist but now a SAHM and I absolutely love it! I love staying home with my baby and taking care of my DH, cooking and keeping our house in order. Getting up whenever I want to. I also enjoy dropping off/picking up DH from work. I wish I never have to go back to work and have to worry about people throwing me under the bus or if my company is outsourcing to China. I know that I will not have career to go back to several years from now so planning to go back to school and retrain for another field. Enjoying this moment because I know it's not going to last but at least I experienced it.

[Anonymous]

I was a teacher and then curriculum developer before my 2 kids were born. When my youngest was in 1st grade I took a short term contract for three months to test the waters in going back to work. DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings.

My kids are now 11 and 14. I last worked full time 15 years ago. This is my first year substituting in the neighborhood school. I usually on;y sub two days a week. In know I never want to be back in the classroom full time and we don't need the money.

I'm done volunteering/working for free but I want to be home with my kids during school holidays and summer so I will stick out subbing until my youngest goes off to college. Once I have an empty nest, I don't know what I'll do. We are a high HHI family so DH talks about retiring and travelling for months on end.

I do have a few SAHMs still, but many have returned to work.

I'm lonely some days and find it harder and harder to make friends as old friends move away. I would love some casual/flexible job just to be around people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I don't need his money as I have my own. Proud to own my choice- just like I hope WOH moms are. There seems to be a lot of disdain for SAH moms here - and lots of people who want to paint the choice to SAH as "lesser than". I don't care, so yes, im proud of my decision to do what we feel is best for our (and only our) family.

I certainly would hope that you don't tell women who wish they could SAH but can't that they "picked the wrong husband". So cringeworthy.

You post a lot in these threads. I think I recognize your story and your posting style. I think it's great you have a good situation, but can't you see how unusual your situation is? This is a thread in Money & Finance; presumably OP is worried about that. It is unusual to be a SAHM who is financially independent on her own. Why do you think posting repeatedly about your rare situation is helpful to OP, who is probably worried about her own finances and probably doesn't have her own trust fund? I am glad you have a great set-up for your family, but try to have some empathy for somebody who is worrying and possibly struggling.

OP, the anti-SAHM, anti-WOHM vitriol in these threads is ridiculous. Nearly all women are just trying to get through the day and do their best and that's going to vary per family. Some women won't regret SAH, some will. Some breadwinner partners will regret having a SAHP, some won't. If you are stressed about money, SAH will be harder. But so will WOH. I stayed home when my kids were younger and I don't regret it at all, but I had a straightforward path back that I took at the right time. It's not an easy decision and there are pros and cons across the board. The only thing I can say to put your mind at ease is that my kids are a lot older now and I don't see much difference in the kids from various family structures. It will be okay once you decide on your path and if you find it's not, you can change course.

[Anonymous]

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

[Anonymous]

I will only regret it if I wind up getting a divorce and having to scramble to find a job. I already put in several years and still have money saved. Soon both kids will be in school. I might try freelancing if I get really bored. I feel like I've "been there, done that" in the workforce and the grass is greener staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

I am a WOH who works fulltime, and I think this idea of some SAHM school cabal is so overdramatic and ridiculous. My kids' school is filled with SAHMs who do a great job volunteering and who are also welcoming of me and the work I do to pitch in (which is work I do in evenings/weekends). Some of them have become my close friends. My DH, who also volunteers, has not been remotely shut out and his efforts are also welcomed. The idea that you'd change career paths based on the idea of a SAHM school cabal seems so melodramatic.

Also, let's assume for a moment you're right and imagine a fantasy world where the parent networks at school are entirely run by exclusionary SAHMs who won't even talk to you if you are a male or WOHM. What impact does that even have in your life and on your children compared to the impact of job stability, work/life balance, health insurance, etc.? Their teachers are still their teachers. Their school is still their school. They make friends of their own accord and you can't force that no matter how many playdates you try to orchestrate.

This just seems so drama llama to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

I am a WOH who works fulltime, and I think this idea of some SAHM school cabal is so overdramatic and ridiculous. My kids' school is filled with SAHMs who do a great job volunteering and who are also welcoming of me and the work I do to pitch in (which is work I do in evenings/weekends). Some of them have become my close friends. My DH, who also volunteers, has not been remotely shut out and his efforts are also welcomed. The idea that you'd change career paths based on the idea of a SAHM school cabal seems so melodramatic.

Also, let's assume for a moment you're right and imagine a fantasy world where the parent networks at school are entirely run by exclusionary SAHMs who won't even talk to you if you are a male or WOHM. What impact does that even have in your life and on your children compared to the impact of job stability, work/life balance, health insurance, etc.? Their teachers are still their teachers. Their school is still their school. They make friends of their own accord and you can't force that no matter how many playdates you try to orchestrate.

This just seems so drama llama to me.

Its not like they refuse to talk to him at school (but they do refuse to have playdates at each others house, talk at the park, or invite to coffee after drop-off),but don't kid yourself that a SAHD or your DH volunteering is treated as an outsider as far as the social aspect of school. Your involvement helps moderate it, especially if you are especially friendly and high energy -- which if you volunteer evenings and weekends, that must be. Our school doesn't have any weekend volunteer activities, never heard of that.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/506934.page

As for the impact just read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/596930.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journalists and scientists don't look for breadwinner husbands. Hahaha- I absolutely love all of these ridiculous statements these WOH women are making.

I met my husband at 18- he was from a family with a ton less money than mine. We married at 30 and he is a very high earner (not law or medicine, when we married he only had his undergrad, now had MBA).

All of the people I know married because they were in love. This idea that women are preying upon breadwinner men is just funny.

+1. I'm actually laughing right now. All the SAHMs I know were working at the time they were married and it was a love match each time. Not one was going for her MRS. This idea of a college-educated woman on the prowl for a "breadwinner husband" is so 50's.

Claim what you will but their career choice speaks to the truth of their plans.

You sound very bitter, maybe it's time to reevaluate your own life choices?

[Anonymous]

I am glad to be a SAHM but in some ways I do regret it. I imagined I would be able to do much more for my kids. There are a few things underestkmated

1) there is a lot of freaking housework. I pictured myself doing crafts and preparing healthy meals from scratch and teaching them sight words and leading playgroups. Maybr some super moms can do it all but not me. I now appreciate the entire team of individuals that worked at daycare so much more.

2) when both my husband and I worked it seemed genuinely equitable between us in terms of parenting stress. Now they are VERY attached to me which iOS sometimes hard (separation anxiety) and it also feels like I stole a littl something from their very giving and committed dad.

3) my wardrobe, hair, exercise regimen etc all suck now - was much easier to have that little piece of myself when I was a working mom.

4) I had both kids after 40 and they are exhausting. And I am starting to feel my age. I sometimes feel like maybe at my age I bit off more than I could chew by trying to stay home with hem. I am tired, my back is seriously going and I have had some cancer scares already.

Otherwise, no regrets, I love spending this time with them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

I am a WOH who works fulltime, and I think this idea of some SAHM school cabal is so overdramatic and ridiculous. My kids' school is filled with SAHMs who do a great job volunteering and who are also welcoming of me and the work I do to pitch in (which is work I do in evenings/weekends). Some of them have become my close friends. My DH, who also volunteers, has not been remotely shut out and his efforts are also welcomed. The idea that you'd change career paths based on the idea of a SAHM school cabal seems so melodramatic.

Also, let's assume for a moment you're right and imagine a fantasy world where the parent networks at school are entirely run by exclusionary SAHMs who won't even talk to you if you are a male or WOHM. What impact does that even have in your life and on your children compared to the impact of job stability, work/life balance, health insurance, etc.? Their teachers are still their teachers. Their school is still their school. They make friends of their own accord and you can't force that no matter how many playdates you try to orchestrate.

This just seems so drama llama to me.

Its not like they refuse to talk to him at school (but they do refuse to have playdates at each others house, talk at the park, or invite to coffee after drop-off),but don't kid yourself that a SAHD or your DH volunteering is treated as an outsider as far as the social aspect of school. Your involvement helps moderate it, especially if you are especially friendly and high energy -- which if you volunteer evenings and weekends, that must be. Our school doesn't have any weekend volunteer activities, never heard of that.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/506934.page

As for the impact just read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/596930.page

Okay, let's say that's entirely true. Let's say that WOHMs and SAHDs are fully socially marginalized at school. Let's say that no SAHM will allow their child to have a playdate with the child of a WOHM or SAHD, ever. What impact does that have on your life and the lives of your children that comes anywhere close to the impact that stable financial situations, flexible jobs, health insurance etc have? What you're suggesting seems so melodramatic to me.

Also, IME there is plenty of school volunteer work that can be done weekends/evenings. Most of it is organizational in nature, or is take-home work to help the teacher. But you don't have to volunteer at all, and your kids will be fine, and if they're not fine the problems likely have very little to do with whether you volunteered in their classrooms or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH has pretty flexible hours but the amount of money I was being paid and him needing to be home at 4 or 3 when school/clubs were over was tough on him as he's in a large office where people come in late and stay late so he often had to call in for 5:00 meetings

It's usually tough on both working parents isn't it? Why does it seem the default is always that the woman takes the career hit because juggling work and family is "too hard for the man"? And when the decision is made based on husband's "better earning power", aren't we feeding a self-fulfilling prophecy?

DH here. I always looked for family friendly work and my DW and I had pretty similar careers. I wanted to be egalitarian, so we sure split drop off and pickup, despite taking lots of flak from my customers. I even considered staying home since she had a chance at a big promotion.

But now that we are older parents I see how it works, how the parent networks at schools are run by moms, mostly SAHMs, and dads are really shut out there (look up any thread about the isolation of SAHDs). But now because I focused my career on work life balance for both of us, I have few paths to boost it to a breadwinner role despite us both seeing the real value of having a parent at home and that parent being the mom.

I am not advocating that women should always be the default parent but unless you do that you can severely limit future choices.

I am a WOH who works fulltime, and I think this idea of some SAHM school cabal is so overdramatic and ridiculous. My kids' school is filled with SAHMs who do a great job volunteering and who are also welcoming of me and the work I do to pitch in (which is work I do in evenings/weekends). Some of them have become my close friends. My DH, who also volunteers, has not been remotely shut out and his efforts are also welcomed. The idea that you'd change career paths based on the idea of a SAHM school cabal seems so melodramatic.

Also, let's assume for a moment you're right and imagine a fantasy world where the parent networks at school are entirely run by exclusionary SAHMs who won't even talk to you if you are a male or WOHM. What impact does that even have in your life and on your children compared to the impact of job stability, work/life balance, health insurance, etc.? Their teachers are still their teachers. Their school is still their school. They make friends of their own accord and you can't force that no matter how many playdates you try to orchestrate.

This just seems so drama llama to me.

Its not like they refuse to talk to him at school (but they do refuse to have playdates at each others house, talk at the park, or invite to coffee after drop-off),but don't kid yourself that a SAHD or your DH volunteering is treated as an outsider as far as the social aspect of school. Your involvement helps moderate it, especially if you are especially friendly and high energy -- which if you volunteer evenings and weekends, that must be. Our school doesn't have any weekend volunteer activities, never heard of that.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/506934.page

As for the impact just read this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/596930.page

Okay, let's say that's entirely true. Let's say that WOHMs and SAHDs are fully socially marginalized at school. Let's say that no SAHM will allow their child to have a playdate with the child of a WOHM or SAHD, ever. What impact does that have on your life and the lives of your children that comes anywhere close to the impact that stable financial situations, flexible jobs, health insurance etc have? What you're suggesting seems so melodramatic to me.

Also, IME there is plenty of school volunteer work that can be done weekends/evenings. Most of it is organizational in nature, or is take-home work to help the teacher. But you don't have to volunteer at all, and your kids will be fine, and if they're not fine the problems likely have very little to do with whether you volunteered in their classrooms or not.

Did you even read the 2nd thread? There was a chorus of DCUM moms telling OP that her 5th grader doesn't have friends mostly because she didn't volunteer in the classroom and cultivate friendships. Invisible take it home volunteer work for the teacher? Worthless, they said -- you need to rub elbows and build those connections. So the parents roles in kids friendships, as annoying as it is, is true and that is a significant impact on the lives of our children, as you so addressed. Schools is super scheduled now, and the kids gravitate to the kids they see outside of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journalists and scientists don't look for breadwinner husbands. Hahaha- I absolutely love all of these ridiculous statements these WOH women are making.

I met my husband at 18- he was from a family with a ton less money than mine. We married at 30 and he is a very high earner (not law or medicine, when we married he only had his undergrad, now had MBA).

All of the people I know married because they were in love. This idea that women are preying upon breadwinner men is just funny.

+1. I'm actually laughing right now. All the SAHMs I know were working at the time they were married and it was a love match each time. Not one was going for her MRS. This idea of a college-educated woman on the prowl for a "breadwinner husband" is so 50's.

Claim what you will but their career choice speaks to the truth of their plans.

You sound very bitter, maybe it's time to reevaluate your own life choices?

Well yeah, I came from a poor background, was driven to succeed at a serious academic career in science, and married for love without really ever considering I would need a breadwinner if I wanted to stay home. My DH is great, but he came from an even poor backwater background and never had any sense on how to hussle for the *real* money to live around here. I don't fault him, but now he wants me to stay home but we don't have any clear path to elevating income to make that possible. But our lives are the working parent mess and I would love to kick back and do yoga like all these teachers and HR women did; probably I'm not hot enough