8 year old sleepover party - 3 girls excluded. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It happens with boys too. A mom in my son's class invited most of the boys and not my son and another child. She then posted it on Facebook. It took me everything to invite her child to my son's party but I did because I am not taking out a parent's rude behavior on their kids. My daughter notices this sort of thing more than my son but both kids know that I will invite everyone from their class who identifies as a certain gender. We have good talks about inclusion and I know I am raising them to see the world beyond themselves. This makes me miss my mom so much because she used to teach me this herself. The irony is these selfish parents are missing a good chance to help their kids. Life is so much easier when you think of other people. What you think is difficult is actually a good tool.

The irony of your bolded statement. Good talks about inclusion but you invite everyone only who identifies a certain gender?

Agree. Are kids not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

The scary part is I absolutely think that person was serious. It is so, so indicative of parenting these days. Heaven forbid these kids ever feel one ounce of discomfort. If they do, we must quickly provide distractions and presents.

[Anonymous]

OP, you ask WWYD?

I wouldn't do anything. There is no reason to do anything.

[Anonymous]

as a geeky girl... actually being invited and then ostracized at the party itself is often worse... And for those trying to say mean girls get their come-uppance later -- often they don't. Many are doing just fine. Some girls will always be more 'popular' than others at school & there will be friend groups or cliques. I would just reinforce that some friends are closer than others and many people can only invite 10 or whatever people to the party - people can be friends in different ways and don't always go to each other's parties (who knows in middle school when friend groups jumble again, the 3 kids you are hanging with now, one may end up a queen bee, one a wannbe and one a book worm with only one bestie). Make plans that night but completely decontextualize your plans from the party and don't bring it up again unless your daughter dwells on it (ie. don't feed it but sounds like you already may have!)

[Anonymous]

If she was the only one excluded I would take it more to heart. It's not like she is in a class of 24 and only 3 were excluded - in such a small class, almost 50% not invited vs. invited isn't that odd. This is a teachable moment for your daughter - She won't be invited to everything, and sometimes it will hurt her feelings to be excluded, but such is life. Better for her to get a taste of it now than to be shell shocked in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:as a geeky girl... actually being invited and then ostracized at the party itself is often worse... And for those trying to say mean girls get their come-uppance later -- often they don't. Many are doing just fine. Some girls will always be more 'popular' than others at school & there will be friend groups or cliques. I would just reinforce that some friends are closer than others and many people can only invite 10 or whatever people to the party - people can be friends in different ways and don't always go to each other's parties (who knows in middle school when friend groups jumble again, the 3 kids you are hanging with now, one may end up a queen bee, one a wannbe and one a book worm with only one bestie). Make plans that night but completely decontextualize your plans from the party and don't bring it up again unless your daughter dwells on it (ie. don't feed it but sounds like you already may have!)

This makes good sense. I am confused by some of the comments, however. On the one hand, kids should be a is to invite whoever they want to their party-- on the other, several people have suggested that OP's daughter is not "popular" and this is why she was left out. It seems if it's looked at through a popularity lens, that it's not exactly a benign choice to exclude some kids...this is my son's experience in fourth grade. There are some kids who will never be left out because they are popular and there are some kids (like my son) who will not be invited because he is unpopular (he has special needs). I guess many parents are okay with this dynamic--but let's be honest about it. There are some kids who will be invited every time, and there are some kids who will fall into the minority of never (or rarely) being invited. Parents do not discourage this dynamic because they don't see (or appear in some instances to care) about the thin line between choice and exclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:as a geeky girl... actually being invited and then ostracized at the party itself is often worse... And for those trying to say mean girls get their come-uppance later -- often they don't. Many are doing just fine. Some girls will always be more 'popular' than others at school & there will be friend groups or cliques. I would just reinforce that some friends are closer than others and many people can only invite 10 or whatever people to the party - people can be friends in different ways and don't always go to each other's parties (who knows in middle school when friend groups jumble again, the 3 kids you are hanging with now, one may end up a queen bee, one a wannbe and one a book worm with only one bestie). Make plans that night but completely decontextualize your plans from the party and don't bring it up again unless your daughter dwells on it (ie. don't feed it but sounds like you already may have!)

This makes good sense. I am confused by some of the comments, however. On the one hand, kids should be a is to invite whoever they want to their party-- on the other, several people have suggested that OP's daughter is not "popular" and this is why she was left out. It seems if it's looked at through a popularity lens, that it's not exactly a benign choice to exclude some kids...this is my son's experience in fourth grade. There are some kids who will never be left out because they are popular and there are some kids (like my son) who will not be invited because he is unpopular (he has special needs). I guess many parents are okay with this dynamic--but let's be honest about it. There are some kids who will be invited every time, and there are some kids who will fall into the minority of never (or rarely) being invited. Parents do not discourage this dynamic because they don't see (or appear in some instances to care) about the thin line between choice and exclusion.

This is all age dependent. At 8, my child knows who they are friends with and who they are not. I ABSOLUTELY make sure my kids know to be inclusive and to be kind to everyone in their class. I have taught my kids if someone is playing alone or looks lonely, to go up and offer to play or invite them to join. However, "everyone in" just doesn't work past a certain age. I'm not saying I would personally be okay with inviting all but 3 girls in the class, but nor would I be extending a sleepover invitation to every girl in that class regardless of whether she and my daughter are actually friends or not. Who even wants to go to sleepover at someones house when they don't know or play with that person? I wouldn't have!

At 8, kids are definitely veering into the territory of having defined friends groups. That's fine and normal. Between the extremes of the very popular kids and the mega unpopular ones lies the vast majority of average kids who have their own set of friends that they hang out with regularly. They don't get invited to every single party, but they get invited to the ones their friends have, and that's what matters. Making sure your kids know that that level of friendship is good is what's important. I would never encourage my kids to maliciously leave someone out, but past a certain age, I'm sorry, I'm not having ALL 12 girls in the class for a sleepover, nor do I expect that from the other parents. Which means sometimes my kid is left out, and if you're doing your job, she knows that everyone is left out sometimes and it doesn't determine their worth or value and it's not just not that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

best idea EVER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

[Anonymous]

At 8, kids are definitely veering into the territory of having defined friends groups. That's fine and normal. Between the extremes of the very popular kids and the mega unpopular ones lies the vast majority of average kids who have their own set of friends that they hang out with regularly. They don't get invited to every single party, but they get invited to the ones their friends have, and that's what matters. Making sure your kids know that that level of friendship is good is what's important. I would never encourage my kids to maliciously leave someone out, but past a certain age, I'm sorry, I'm not having ALL 12 girls in the class for a sleepover, nor do I expect that from the other parents. Which means sometimes my kid is left out, and if you're doing your job, she knows that everyone is left out sometimes and it doesn't determine their worth or value and it's not just not that big a deal.

I mean, I have boys, so perhaps it is different, but I think you are missing the point. I agree that is totally normal to have friend groups by age 8, and to only invite friends to a sleepover. But neither of my boys would be sufficiently close friends with 7 out of 10 boys in the class to warrant inviting them for a sleepover. Three or four boys tops. So no, you certainly don't need to invite "ALL 12" girls in the class, but it is pretty cruel to invite 10 of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

As a mom, if my kid got this invite to a "left out kids makeup party" I would be weirded out. It's so... I don't know. Barefaced patronizing? My kid doesn't need pity because she doesn't get invited to a sleepover, especially not an over the top pity party invite complete with presents. Thrown by a kid she may interact with almost never at school and only shares a commonality of being uninvited to the same party. I'm really surprised some of you don't see how odd this is.

[Anonymous]

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

As a mom, if my kid got this invite to a "left out kids makeup party" I would be weirded out. It's so... I don't know. Barefaced patronizing? My kid doesn't need pity because she doesn't get invited to a sleepover, especially not an over the top pity party invite complete with presents. Thrown by a kid she may interact with almost never at school and only shares a commonality of being uninvited to the same party. I'm really surprised some of you don't see how odd this is.

Not PP, and I definitely wouldn't host such a party myself, but if my son got invited to someone else's "pity party" he'd probably go and make a good time out of it. He's not especially popular because he's unathletic and a bit nerdy, but he's a friendly kid and can get along with most of the kids in his class. He would definitely think of it along the lines of "I'll see Bob and Jim from school and do some legos" vs. anything deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

As a mom, if my kid got this invite to a "left out kids makeup party" I would be weirded out. It's so... I don't know. Barefaced patronizing? My kid doesn't need pity because she doesn't get invited to a sleepover, especially not an over the top pity party invite complete with presents. Thrown by a kid she may interact with almost never at school and only shares a commonality of being uninvited to the same party. I'm really surprised some of you don't see how odd this is.

Not PP, and I definitely wouldn't host such a party myself, but if my son got invited to someone else's "pity party" he'd probably go and make a good time out of it. He's not especially popular because he's unathletic and a bit nerdy, but he's a friendly kid and can get along with most of the kids in his class. He would definitely think of it along the lines of "I'll see Bob and Jim from school and do some legos" vs. anything deeper.

Or, maybe it isn't a pity party but time to make new friends and have some fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

As a mom, if my kid got this invite to a "left out kids makeup party" I would be weirded out. It's so... I don't know. Barefaced patronizing? My kid doesn't need pity because she doesn't get invited to a sleepover, especially not an over the top pity party invite complete with presents. Thrown by a kid she may interact with almost never at school and only shares a commonality of being uninvited to the same party. I'm really surprised some of you don't see how odd this is.

+ 1. I try to only exercise choice over my kids' social commitments due to either safety or logistics, so I would allow my child to decide whether to attend. However, if the sleepover was organized because of being "left out" from the other child's party I would strongly encourage my child to decline, die to the motivation. We don't do things like that. It's entitled, petty, and desperate.