8 year old sleepover party - 3 girls excluded. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, its rude, but what can you possibly do about it?

Call the principal! Bullying! Bullying!

Just kidding OP. Be rational and sane. Invite the host child to do something with your child one on one, if both children are so inclined (since they are 8, I would not recommend this past 6th grade, of course). If not, maybe they will be friends in a few weeks. That is how almost all school aged friendships work, from elementary to high school, like it or not. Don't be THAT mom that the school labels as trouble, drama prone or high maintenance, or worse. Don't kill any opportunity for the girls to ever be friends again by being over involved.

[Anonymous]

Why is it rude? There is no obligation to invite everyone to a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter belongs to a recreational softball team in which the coach's daughter ALWAYS has sleepovers. As far as I can tell, virtually EVERYONE on the team, except my daughter has been invited. I, and my daughter, are not so much bothered by her not being invited. It's the fact that they all make it known there is a sleepover, and she is not invited. This happens EVERY weekend. And get this....her OLDER sister has been invited, but not her. I like the coach, I like her daughter, I like the girls on the team. I don't like their way of being exclusive though, and making it known. And my younger daughter, the coach's daughter, and other girls, go to social events together and seem to get along in that environment. They just don't feel my youngest daughter is "sleepover" material apparently. I'd NEVER let either one of my children sleep over there now, even if the younger one was invited. That would be too weird at this point. Plus I feel that nothing good would come of it. She'd probably be isolated or bullied in some other low key way. True, people should invite who they want to a sleepover. But when children make it obvious that they are excluding another, ...that is just plain mean spirited, or insensitive at the least. While people don't want to feel like they are walking on egg shells, and others should just "tough it out", there is much to be said for being tactful and teaching your children the same. We also live in a society where people preach about just dealing with stuff and so forth, but when the next national news story of a child committing suicide, or shooting up a school comes to past, many of these same people will talk about how bullying and exclusion is to blame. People are all about good intentions but don't necessarily practice them themselves with those immediately around them.

I see your point, but you are clearly overthinking this. Why would you want your daughter included with people who don't want her around? Please don't emphasize to her that this is a big deal. In a few years, she will forget all about it - probably before you do, mom/PP!

I was bullied, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that those people went their way, and I went mine. I'm not groveling to be their friend now, any more than I would have then. Teach your child to be around people who want them to be there - instead of pining for some group that they have nothing in common with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you all care? Please get some lives Mommies. Stop being over involved.

+1

Exactly this. Over involved parents (MOMS) only make matters worse for their child. Every time. I see it every day, at all ages. I know you think you are helping, overinvolved parents (MOMS) - you are just not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it rude? There is no obligation to invite everyone to a party.

+1

OP, have your child throw their own party with their own friends! It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 girls in the class. My daughter was one of three not invited. Four additional girls from other classes were invited.
The mom and I are friendly. My daughter of course heard about it at school and her feelings were hurt. I think it was rude to leave out just three. What do you think?

You can't have a sleepover with 14 children. Unfortunately sometimes your child is the one left out and sometimes your child is the one have to leave others out. What would I do? Use it as a teaching tool to explain that it doesn't speak about how this child doesn't like your child. Apparently you don't get that message, though.

They invited 11 girls, at that point 3 more is no big deal. Yes, you can have that many and we have a 1000sq foot house. We could make it work, so if you cannot make it work in a house 2-5 times as big, something is wrong.

You helicopter mommies get more upset than the kids. This is a teaching moment about how life works. To have her still know this girl is still a friend and sometimes they can only choose so many.

But in the parents eyes this is backstabbing, mean girl behavior. The OP even mentions "but the mom and I are friends." and she also has figured out by sleuthing no less, who was and was not invited and exact numbers of each class. This is borderline psychotic and you are enabling your kids to play the victim. To show them this is so upsetting, so unfair, if THIS is actually so upsetting to both of you now at age 8 - you are in for a long emotional battle with your child thru the tween and teen years. The comments of getting the other 2-3 girls "left out" and forming their own sleepover is disturbing. Is this how you want your child to react every time something happens that she may not like?

Parents need to put their big girl panties on. Start acting like a mom and help her see this from the birthday girls position. Remember when we could only invite this many and you were torn? This is how she probably felt. Maybe you arent as close anymore and that is okay. One time, I was best friends with Ann and between 2-3rd we kinda had different friends. But we were still friendly with each other and by 4th we were hanging out again. Not best friends but close. Kids change, friends change, life changes. Just be nice to everyone. Think the best of them and the best of yourself. Then you move on because it is not that big of a deal. Tell her she can have 1 girl over for the night and we will do xyz. It will be fun. The end.

But you moms. You live vicariously thru your kids. You smother, try to fix, rant excuses, and more. And you raise emotionally unstable entitled kids. It is very scary.

Whoa there, bud. Why are you ranting over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 girls in the class. My daughter was one of three not invited. Four additional girls from other classes were invited.
The mom and I are friendly. My daughter of course heard about it at school and her feelings were hurt. I think it was rude to leave out just three. What do you think?

I think it's crappy and bad manners to invite 7/10 girls in a class to a party- particularly when it's a certainty that they will be talking about the party at school in front of the much smaller number of girls who weren't invited. Unfortunately, people can be thoughtless.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it to your daughter or try to make it up to her- if you see it as a crisis, she will see it as one too. Just explain that you're sorry it happened, agree that it's crummy, and move her forward building other friendships and connections.

Agree -- both that it is crappy and that you can make it a teachable moment.

And yes, do something a little out of the ordinary with your DD that evening.

[Anonymous]

Kids can be cruel. As a child, it sucks. As the parent of a child it's happening to it sucks even more. I still remember age 16, at a soccer tournament 3 hours from home (we stayed in a hotel), and after the game all the girls went to dinner, but did not invite me. The coach was FURIOUS when he realized what happened. My mom wanted take me home that minute (I was the goalie, and the only one up there that weekend).

Yes, I was hurt, very hurt, and part of me wanted to go, but I also felt like that was letting them win. They were all assholes. Some of them apologized (they didn't realize I was left out), one even brought dessert to my room (she felt bad), but the bigger click clearly didn't care. I wasn't going to let them ruin a tournament for a sport I loved, so I stayed. We won, I played really well, and there happened to be a scout from a nearby college watching the tourney. They kept in touch with me over the next year and offered me a 50% ride at that school.

Obviously not the same, but good things can come from shitty situations. Tell your girl to hold her head high. She didn't do anything, the other girl (or others girl mom) were lousy. She's going to come in contact with shitty people forever (unfortunately many don't grow out of it or just get worse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter belongs to a recreational softball team in which the coach's daughter ALWAYS has sleepovers. As far as I can tell, virtually EVERYONE on the team, except my daughter has been invited. I, and my daughter, are not so much bothered by her not being invited. It's the fact that they all make it known there is a sleepover, and she is not invited. This happens EVERY weekend. And get this....her OLDER sister has been invited, but not her. I like the coach, I like her daughter, I like the girls on the team. I don't like their way of being exclusive though, and making it known. And my younger daughter, the coach's daughter, and other girls, go to social events together and seem to get along in that environment. They just don't feel my youngest daughter is "sleepover" material apparently. I'd NEVER let either one of my children sleep over there now, even if the younger one was invited. That would be too weird at this point. Plus I feel that nothing good would come of it. She'd probably be isolated or bullied in some other low key way. True, people should invite who they want to a sleepover. But when children make it obvious that they are excluding another, ...that is just plain mean spirited, or insensitive at the least. While people don't want to feel like they are walking on egg shells, and others should just "tough it out", there is much to be said for being tactful and teaching your children the same. We also live in a society where people preach about just dealing with stuff and so forth, but when the next national news story of a child committing suicide, or shooting up a school comes to past, many of these same people will talk about how bullying and exclusion is to blame. People are all about good intentions but don't necessarily practice them themselves with those immediately around them.

Pp, dump this coach. Find someone who is not a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's rude. But life isn't fair, better teach your daughter now.

I still remember to this day (37 years old) being excluded and lied to about a classmate's birthday in 2nd grade. She left out 3 girls in the class, thats just rude in my opinion. If you are inviting school friends you invite them all at that age, at least all of the same gender.

I have always invited the class until this year with my 10 year old boy, we did a mission escape room which was limited to the number of kids we could have. So we asked a few very close family friends not limited to the class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3rd grader has been not invited to numerous parties over the past couple of years. It is heartbreaking, but it is opportunity to work on resilience. It changes as years progress. A girl who didn't invite her to her party last year has been inviting her over for playdates lately. Just let it slide...it is part of life. Don't blame it on the mom.

agree with the first line (let it slide and help your daughter to let it slide - no grudges). But, yes, blame it on the mom who should know better.

[Anonymous]

I see your point, but you are clearly overthinking this. Why would you want your daughter included with people who don't want her around? Please don't emphasize to her that this is a big deal. In a few years, she will forget all about it - probably before you do, mom/PP!

I was bullied, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that those people went their way, and I went mine. I'm not groveling to be their friend now, any more than I would have then. Teach your child to be around people who want them to be there - instead of pining for some group that they have nothing in common with.

Oh, I have not made a big deal about this. When it comes up, I inform her that NOT going to one of these sleepovers is for the best. It came up again tonight, after practice. There are a couple of other girls on the team who are not invited, or are not allowed to go if they are. They tend to be the sweetest kids on the team. So I informed my daughter that is something to consider right there.

I told her that adults are the same way...co-workers going out to lunch with each other and excluding a few people. Same thing with invited co-workers to TGIF, etc. I reminded her to focus on all the people who like her and like her company...the brainy boy across the street, who has different interest but loves to hang out with her, the star player on her team who does not get involved with the clic, and always has something positive to say to her, the quiet girl who likes to strike up conversations with her, etc.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a normal part of life. 11 guests is already a big sleepover and some girls will not get invited. But I understand why this sucks for your daughter and I feel for her. My DD has experienced the same thing many times and it is hard but it is something kids have to learn to handle with grace.