8 year old sleepover party - 3 girls excluded. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

At 8, kids are definitely veering into the territory of having defined friends groups. That's fine and normal. Between the extremes of the very popular kids and the mega unpopular ones lies the vast majority of average kids who have their own set of friends that they hang out with regularly. They don't get invited to every single party, but they get invited to the ones their friends have, and that's what matters. Making sure your kids know that that level of friendship is good is what's important. I would never encourage my kids to maliciously leave someone out, but past a certain age, I'm sorry, I'm not having ALL 12 girls in the class for a sleepover, nor do I expect that from the other parents. Which means sometimes my kid is left out, and if you're doing your job, she knows that everyone is left out sometimes and it doesn't determine their worth or value and it's not just not that big a deal.

I mean, I have boys, so perhaps it is different, but I think you are missing the point. I agree that is totally normal to have friend groups by age 8, and to only invite friends to a sleepover. But neither of my boys would be sufficiently close friends with 7 out of 10 boys in the class to warrant inviting them for a sleepover. Three or four boys tops. So no, you certainly don't need to invite "ALL 12" girls in the class, but it is pretty cruel to invite 10 of them.

This is not even close to OPs situation. There are multiple classes in the grade, so it is more like 30 other girls were not invited. Much ado about nothing. No one in a big school invites all of the kids; it just ins't practical.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I have boys, so perhaps it is different, but I think you are missing the point. I agree that is totally normal to have friend groups by age 8, and to only invite friends to a sleepover. But neither of my boys would be sufficiently close friends with 7 out of 10 boys in the class to warrant inviting them for a sleepover. Three or four boys tops. So no, you certainly don't need to invite "ALL 12" girls in the class, but it is pretty cruel to invite 10 of them.

This is not even close to OPs situation. There are multiple classes in the grade, so it is more like 30 other girls were not invited. Much ado about nothing. No one in a big school invites all of the kids; it just ins't practical.

It is exactly the same situation. My boys go to a big public school with about 40 boys in the grade and 10 boys in each of 4 classes. I think it would be unkind to invite 7 of those 10 boys but not 3 others, even if 3 or 4 boys from other classes were invited. You obviously disagree, which is fine, but it is not a different situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Ok. I trust my child to make that judgment himself, or to learn by trial and error. It's a difference in approach.

Well, duh. This whole thread proves there's two ways to approach this that are very opposite. Some of us advocate for one way, and the others advocate a completely different way

Seems like you can relate to 8 year old behavior really well, so I bet this is hitting home for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Becca had a party in 7th grade. I was the only person not invited. I begged and begged until she finally invited me. My mom , of course, refused to let me go. I am 42 now.

Why? Why would you do this, even at 12 years old? OMG. It was a party. You weren't invited. So what? I'm assuming it wasn't the last party you weren't invited to.

And good on your mom.

I'm not the poster you're responding to, but why do people need to come out swinging all the time? You must be Becca.

[Anonymous]

Why do you all care? Please get some lives Mommies. Stop being over involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate parents making children's invite certain children to the parties, just because... it shows at the party when no one plays or talks to them. It is ok to not have all friends in your class

how old are you, silly?

[Anonymous]

My daughter belongs to a recreational softball team in which the coach's daughter ALWAYS has sleepovers. As far as I can tell, virtually EVERYONE on the team, except my daughter has been invited. I, and my daughter, are not so much bothered by her not being invited. It's the fact that they all make it known there is a sleepover, and she is not invited. This happens EVERY weekend. And get this....her OLDER sister has been invited, but not her. I like the coach, I like her daughter, I like the girls on the team. I don't like their way of being exclusive though, and making it known. And my younger daughter, the coach's daughter, and other girls, go to social events together and seem to get along in that environment. They just don't feel my youngest daughter is "sleepover" material apparently. I'd NEVER let either one of my children sleep over there now, even if the younger one was invited. That would be too weird at this point. Plus I feel that nothing good would come of it. She'd probably be isolated or bullied in some other low key way. True, people should invite who they want to a sleepover. But when children make it obvious that they are excluding another, ...that is just plain mean spirited, or insensitive at the least. While people don't want to feel like they are walking on egg shells, and others should just "tough it out", there is much to be said for being tactful and teaching your children the same. We also live in a society where people preach about just dealing with stuff and so forth, but when the next national news story of a child committing suicide, or shooting up a school comes to past, many of these same people will talk about how bullying and exclusion is to blame. People are all about good intentions but don't necessarily practice them themselves with those immediately around them.

[Anonymous]

Why are you with a coach who acts like that?

[Anonymous]

When there are multiple classes in a grade and kids have friends in all the classes, as they obviously do, it is a false construct to say she invited all but 3 girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When there are multiple classes in a grade and kids have friends in all the classes, as they obviously do, it is a false construct to say she invited all but 3 girls.

Not sure why this thread was unearthed. But OP said that all but three of the girls in the *class* were invited. So yeah, it was rude. Doesn't matter if there are three other classes and you didn't invite those girls--the etiquette is about the immediate class. Stick with under half. I'm sure OP's child has long since moved on, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I mean, I have boys, so perhaps it is different, but I think you are missing the point. I agree that is totally normal to have friend groups by age 8, and to only invite friends to a sleepover. But neither of my boys would be sufficiently close friends with 7 out of 10 boys in the class to warrant inviting them for a sleepover. Three or four boys tops. So no, you certainly don't need to invite "ALL 12" girls in the class, but it is pretty cruel to invite 10 of them.

This is not even close to OPs situation. There are multiple classes in the grade, so it is more like 30 other girls were not invited. Much ado about nothing. No one in a big school invites all of the kids; it just ins't practical.

It is exactly the same situation. My boys go to a big public school with about 40 boys in the grade and 10 boys in each of 4 classes. I think it would be unkind to invite 7 of those 10 boys but not 3 others, even if 3 or 4 boys from other classes were invited. You obviously disagree, which is fine, but it is not a different situation at all.

I have 2 boys and disagree with you. I have not hosted a sleepover party but home birthday parties. We have preschool friends, neighbors, family friends, cub scouts and sports. Last year we invited 6 of 10 instead of 7 because of stupid majority unsaid rule. Kid was hurt. I don’t think it matters if 60% or 80% of same sex was invited. You may feel bad if you weren’t invited.

A sleepover is a whole other situation where you are hosting for 12+ hours. I think inviting 10 girls is insane and if should not be the whole class sex.

We are at a new school and DS is part of a small crew in his class. Group of 4 boys in same class play together everyday. DS wasn’t invited. Was told it was an 8 kid party and it included his cousins and family friends.

DS said it was fine and was mature about it. I’m the one who felt bad. Again, only 2 kids were invited from class and they all knew one another since kindergarten.

Point is there will always be hurt feelings whether you were bffs in first and not invited because you are in a different class and mom decided to invite all girls from same class only. Or you are not part of 2 or 8 boys who got invited.

[Anonymous]

You should really know who your friends are. You are close or not. Do you hang out regularly after school? Do play dates ? If not, just being a classmate doesn’t warrant an invitation. No one invites entire classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 girls in the class. My daughter was one of three not invited. Four additional girls from other classes were invited.
The mom and I are friendly. My daughter of course heard about it at school and her feelings were hurt. I think it was rude to leave out just three. What do you think?

Sleepovers are breeding nasty gossip about anyone who isn't there. My kid's wise teacher therefore discouraged sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At DD's middle school, the rule was fewer than 50% of any gender in a single class, or the whole class. Very few people ignored this rule, it really was the culture of the school. Nice place.

Sorry about your DD. Can you do something fun with those three? Their own sleepover? Don't make a big deal about why, just offer to have some fun activities.

Screw that. The school doesn't get to dictate anything not on school grounds, paid for privately, during non school time.

Our private school does, and Is think that’s a good thing. It’s called a culture of inclusivity and decency.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was never very popular and excluded from many things -- I would say the very worst thing you can do is make a deal out of this. Help your daughter learn to say 'not everyone is invited everywhere, whatev' or one simple statement of something about 'sometimes parents set limits on party numbers' (or something that explains away without being too invested in it -- and then without bringing up the party again -- find something else to do that night that is super fun. Do not make it in anyway overtly about anything in relation to the party, just go and experience there is lots of fun to be had in the world in different ways. Friendships still ebb and flow a lot in elem & into middle school. Keep lines and minds open about other kids and families.