8 year old sleepover party - 3 girls excluded. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If it's a mom specifically inviting only the 3-4 kids who were not invited to another party it is by definition a pity party. I truly would probably not even share the invitation with my kid and would just decline on her behalf. If the kids are in her class she will either make friends with them organically or not. I'm not throwing them together and forcing them to be friends because they were left out by another girl. I don't like the message nor the precedent.

You seem rather overinvolved in your child's social life. If my child were invited, I'd ask if he wanted to go. He'd respond based on whether he was interested in hanging out with those kids. We would move forward accordingly and live our lives.

No it's the opposite... I'm uninvolved to the point I would never consider engineering a pity party to make up for missing someone else's. I'm not suggesting a "leftovers" party because she didn't get an invitation to something else... That's crazy. And overinvolved to a really unhealthy extent.

I agree... I don't want to manage who my kids are friends with, but I would actively discourage making friends (with anyone) for the wrong reasons. And bonding over pity or spite are the wrong reasons. If the party had absolutely nothing to do with the guest list for the other party -- fine. If, however, the entire point was to invite those who didn't "get to" go to the other kid's party... why would anyone want to be involved in that? The final decision to go or not would still be my kid's though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If it's a mom specifically inviting only the 3-4 kids who were not invited to another party it is by definition a pity party. I truly would probably not even share the invitation with my kid and would just decline on her behalf. If the kids are in her class she will either make friends with them organically or not. I'm not throwing them together and forcing them to be friends because they were left out by another girl. I don't like the message nor the precedent.

You seem rather overinvolved in your child's social life. If my child were invited, I'd ask if he wanted to go. He'd respond based on whether he was interested in hanging out with those kids. We would move forward accordingly and live our lives.

No it's the opposite... I'm uninvolved to the point I would never consider engineering a pity party to make up for missing someone else's. I'm not suggesting a "leftovers" party because she didn't get an invitation to something else... That's crazy. And overinvolved to a really unhealthy extent.

Maybe how you are looking at it is an issue. These are kids and should be viewed upon negatively as you are making it. Why not get the less popular kids together and help them form their own friendships? Or, can your kids only be friends with the cool kids with the cool moms?

I'm not sure how you go to calling me overinvolved to questioning why I don't want to help my kid make friends. You're accusing me of being both overinvolved and disengaged at the same time. Simply put, my child has the tools to make friends and does. If she's not friends with a kid, that's her choice and there's a reason. I don't care if she is friends with the cool kids or the not cool kids but I do care that those friendships are HERS, not ones I engineered or forced or bought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

You're kidding right? Mom should not be trying to fix things at 8. Mom should be trying to teach coping mechanisms for life's many (unfair) situations. Regarding the food, you misunderstand again. It is not and cannot be a cure for emotional discomfort. I sure hope you get yourself some parenting books -- I mean it in the nicest way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom isn't your friend. If your daughter likes the two other girls, I'd invite them for a sleep over and make it really fun and go over the top making a big fuss.

This is a great idea. Even if you can't do a sleep over invite them over for pizza and a movie.

That would be good too, with an ice cream sundae or other big fun desert. Or, even fondue. You could also invite a few of the girls invited who you know aren't good friends. Give them something to talk about. I'd also get each girl a special gift (assuming you can afford it).

Yeah, why don't we do a GoFundMe page and get them Lous Vuitton bags while we're at it. Just so they don't feel any hurt, you know. Just so they don't figure out not everyone has to like them or be their friend. Or, even better, let's make them think mommy will always be around to fix everything. And food, feed them more food.

I seriously hope these suggestions were tongue in cheek... No wonder kids today are such maladjusted losers.

They are 8 years old. Yes, mom should try her best to fix things. If it happened to my son and he was upset over it, I'd invite the two other boys, get them each a fun lego kit to do and make a party of it. And, yes, if you have someone over its polite to feed them all.

You're kidding right? Mom should not be trying to fix things at 8. Mom should be trying to teach coping mechanisms for life's many (unfair) situations. Regarding the food, you misunderstand again. It is not and cannot be a cure for emotional discomfort. I sure hope you get yourself some parenting books -- I mean it in the nicest way.

I agree

Having the party for the child whether it is with those left out or not, is not the point. The point is the parent is easing the pain with a party, gifts, food. This is not normal. You are doing worse for your child.

[Anonymous]

You seem rather overinvolved in your child's social life. If my child were invited, I'd ask if he wanted to go. He'd respond based on whether he was interested in hanging out with those kids. We would move forward accordingly and live our lives.

No it's the opposite... I'm uninvolved to the point I would never consider engineering a pity party to make up for missing someone else's. I'm not suggesting a "leftovers" party because she didn't get an invitation to something else... That's crazy. And overinvolved to a really unhealthy extent.

You are entirely missing the point. Nobody is suggesting that you engineer anything. The issue we are discussing at this juncture is whether you should tell your kid he or she should not accept the invite to the alleged pity party because, according to you, it is "entitled, petty, and desperate." If my kid is invited somewhere, what I tell him is that he has been invited and does he want to go. There is absolutely no need for me to express an opinion on whether he should accept an invite absent some health and safety issue, or ascribe a judgment to the social implications of an invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You seem rather overinvolved in your child's social life. If my child were invited, I'd ask if he wanted to go. He'd respond based on whether he was interested in hanging out with those kids. We would move forward accordingly and live our lives.

No it's the opposite... I'm uninvolved to the point I would never consider engineering a pity party to make up for missing someone else's. I'm not suggesting a "leftovers" party because she didn't get an invitation to something else... That's crazy. And overinvolved to a really unhealthy extent.

You are entirely missing the point. Nobody is suggesting that you engineer anything. The issue we are discussing at this juncture is whether you should tell your kid he or she should not accept the invite to the alleged pity party because, according to you, it is "entitled, petty, and desperate." If my kid is invited somewhere, what I tell him is that he has been invited and does he want to go. There is absolutely no need for me to express an opinion on whether he should accept an invite absent some health and safety issue, or ascribe a judgment to the social implications of an invite.

Normally I would agree. In this case I find the basis of the party problematic and use my judgment as parent to decline the invite.

[Anonymous]

This thread has been eye-opening.

[Anonymous]

Not all kids can fend for themselves at 8 and navigate socially as well as others. I think its sad parents leave it up to the kids and do not provide any support other than saying, too bad you weren't invited, tuff luck. How sad for the kid. Yes, they need to learn to deal with things, but at the same time, why not help them form other relationship that may be more successful. You may not want your kids hanging out with the uninvited kids for many reasons, but personally I don't care as long as they are good, nice kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all kids can fend for themselves at 8 and navigate socially as well as others. I think its sad parents leave it up to the kids and do not provide any support other than saying, too bad you weren't invited, tuff luck. How sad for the kid. Yes, they need to learn to deal with things, but at the same time, why not help them form other relationship that may be more successful. You may not want your kids hanging out with the uninvited kids for many reasons, but personally I don't care as long as they are good, nice kids.

The point is your kid might not WANT to hang out with the other uninvited kids. Throwing a party for them because they were all uninvited is making your kids hang out with these other kids they might have zero interest in.

[Anonymous]

Frame this is an adult context. You work in an office where all but you and one other coworker you don't know that well are invited to another coworkers BBQ. You think oh well that's weird I wasn't invited but then the other uninvited coworker emails you and says "Since we both weren't invited to Jan's BBQ want to come to my house Saturday night? I am going to order us lots of junk food and I'll have a gift bag for you and the others will really have something to talk about then!" Would you not be totally put off by that?

[Anonymous]

You are entirely missing the point. Nobody is suggesting that you engineer anything. The issue we are discussing at this juncture is whether you should tell your kid he or she should not accept the invite to the alleged pity party because, according to you, it is "entitled, petty, and desperate." If my kid is invited somewhere, what I tell him is that he has been invited and does he want to go. There is absolutely no need for me to express an opinion on whether he should accept an invite absent some health and safety issue, or ascribe a judgment to the social implications of an invite.

Normally I would agree. In this case I find the basis of the party problematic and use my judgment as parent to decline the invite.

Ok. I trust my child to make that judgment himself, or to learn by trial and error. It's a difference in approach.

[Anonymous]

"Since we both weren't invited to Jan's BBQ want to come to my house Saturday night? I am going to order us lots of junk food and I'll have a gift bag for you and the others will really have something to talk about then!" Would you not be totally put off by that?

No, because I really don't care. I would not go to the event, because: (1) I am not that social except with one or two friends, and (2) I want to spend my weekends with my husband and kids. But I wouldn't waste energy being put off. I'd just say no thanks and move on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Since we both weren't invited to Jan's BBQ want to come to my house Saturday night? I am going to order us lots of junk food and I'll have a gift bag for you and the others will really have something to talk about then!" Would you not be totally put off by that?

No, because I really don't care. I would not go to the event, because: (1) I am not that social except with one or two friends, and (2) I want to spend my weekends with my husband and kids. But I wouldn't waste energy being put off. I'd just say no thanks and move on with my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You are entirely missing the point. Nobody is suggesting that you engineer anything. The issue we are discussing at this juncture is whether you should tell your kid he or she should not accept the invite to the alleged pity party because, according to you, it is "entitled, petty, and desperate." If my kid is invited somewhere, what I tell him is that he has been invited and does he want to go. There is absolutely no need for me to express an opinion on whether he should accept an invite absent some health and safety issue, or ascribe a judgment to the social implications of an invite.

Normally I would agree. In this case I find the basis of the party problematic and use my judgment as parent to decline the invite.

Ok. I trust my child to make that judgment himself, or to learn by trial and error. It's a difference in approach.

Well, duh. This whole thread proves there's two ways to approach this that are very opposite. Some of us advocate for one way, and the others advocate a completely different way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not all kids can fend for themselves at 8 and navigate socially as well as others. I think its sad parents leave it up to the kids and do not provide any support other than saying, too bad you weren't invited, tuff luck. How sad for the kid. Yes, they need to learn to deal with things, but at the same time, why not help them form other relationship that may be more successful. You may not want your kids hanging out with the uninvited kids for many reasons, but personally I don't care as long as they are good, nice kids.

The reason why kids can't fend for themselves at 8, 10, or 18 is because of busy body moms who helicopter.