Reply to Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

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Reply to "Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.[/quote] There is nothing wrong with limiting who you tell. My closest friends know of my past, my spouse knows of my past, my in laws do not, my neighbors do not, my coworkers do not, my acquaintances do not. My therapist says I am one of the most emotionally healthy people she has met and I am not just a survivor I am  a thriver. People are rarely satisfied with a "I had a difficult childhood" statement without pressing further for details that are none of their business. As shown above, too many people make negative assumptions about survivors and perpetuate stereotypes. I choose to not be victimized by my past or by busybodies who want a gruesome tale. People are making a lot of assumptions here with few to no facts--this keeps is the type of stigma abuse survivors face whenever they choose to tell their story. Bring selective in who you talk to in no way means you haven't dealt with it and moved on.[/quote]

Agreed again.

I've said something similar to my sisters/parents about  my husband's family and younger years
I know they were not, but it's not an of their business to know otherwise.
Assuming the sister doesn't know because of what she said to OP  is foolish.
BIL is under no obligation to tell every person he  meets every detail of his childhood,
Not even his  wife.
OP"s sister has nor obligation or no right to share what she and her husband talk about with OP.
Why OP thinks she is owed this information is beyond me, and I wonder if she's married or ever been in a serious relationship herself.
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