DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Demand sex? Yes, marriage is supposed to be a sexual relationship. Sex is a legitimate and normal need and while it is sad that one must elevate to making "demands" in order to be taken seriously, that is a logical next step.


Cheat? I would not call it cheating if a wife refuses to participate in the physical intimacy of a normal marriage. One cannot both demand monogamy and deny sex at the same time.

Oh please never an excuse to cheat, women do it to and it's just as wrong. He won't help enough around the house, doesn't take out the garbage, doesn't help with the kids..blah blah. Yes both need to be monogamous. There are choices, compromise, counseling, or get divorced and then date. No one has the right to expose someone to a deadly disease or bring some outsider nut upon their family.

OP sounds like a nice guy, overall it's seems like a good marriage. I believe he said they are in their 50's. As you age, the attraction may not be there. I had a few older friends and they weren't interested in men over 45-50 physically though they loved their husbands. That's why some older men pick young women because they wouldn't be attracted to women their age. The younger ones want the money and the older guy is ok paying for that.

I suspect OP's wife isn't attracted, nothing can change that.

This is probably spot-on.

I don't know how old OP's DW is, but can tell you that at 55yo I have lost most interest in sex. From an evolutionary standpoint this seems logical to me.

[b]I often wonder why there are so many proposed fixes for women with low libidos to make them want sex, and no proposed fixes for men with higher libidos to make them want less sex. [b]

Because a regular sexual relationship is wonderful and fulfilling. You have that kind of relationship usually with just one person and it's special and wonderful?
Why would you want to take that away? You sound very far gone!

I'm not far-gone. I am just a menopausal woman without much interest in sex.

I'm fine with occasional maintenance sex, it's not like I've thrown in the towel for good. I am not fine, however, with being told that I have to want it, be more enthusiastic, be more [whatever]. I'll compromise and expect some compromise in return.

You're just like my AP's wife. He thought he'd made peace with having only maintenance sex the rest of his life, but then we got together and surprise! a passionate, romantic, creative sex life that both people are enthusiastic about is infinitely more fulfilling. Your poor husband.

Ha, same guy keeps posting his fantasy. For heaven's sake if you're married or committed get divorced or breakup and date.

I truly think some men think this is the penthouse forum and the place here they can write their fantasies.

And.. surprise, surprise... it usually involves a man getting lots of sexy sexy times and the mean old woman who wouldnt have sex with him ending up lonely and regretting how cruel she was....

It's quite sad imo. That someone suggested a prescription is beyond belief. My doctor tells us you want to stay off as many meds as possible since almost all have side effects. To try and have their wife take a pill because she doesn't want to have sex is big time denial.

Oh no, but dont you realize? Men's sexual satisfaction is so much more important than women's health.

Actually, testosterone has been proven to take as many as ten years off a woman's life.

But it is TOTALLY WORTH that missed decade when you think that her husband will get to be regularly laid. I mean, hello!!!

Citation, please. Also, as a female (I'm the PP who takes testosterone), I can say without doubt that I'd absolutely peace out a decade earlier if it means I'm sexually fulfilled and in a marriage where DH and I are on the same page about our sex lives and enjoy having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

The OP didn't deserve your snarkiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Great point, or people who say they can't help themselves. All choices.

If someone doesn't want sex all that much, it's perfectly ok. If someone wants it frequently with a willing partner again ok. Someone trying to pressure or force another is a different story. Sex is about two willing partners like any other action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

Not at all, it's clear what was meant, I think you are looney tunes and reaching to try to make a very poor point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

Wanting to have sex is not a sexual "entitlement issue." In any event, since a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, a man in OP's position should simply divorce and move on. It's a fundamental incompatibility, it's not fixable, and it's probably best for all parties to acknowledge that and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

You are trying to move the goal posts lady. No one said one spouses desire was more important than the other one. It's wrong for one spouse to decide they are done with sex and tell the other spouse to use their hand and get over it. The issue calls for discussion and compromise and work, it's no less important than any other aspect of a marriage. You disagree- cool. No need to drag pedophilia into it to try to make your point.