DW has incredibly low sex drive - not sure what can be done to help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

The problem isn't her libido. The problem isn't his libido. The problem is the disparity between the two. And, presuming that married couples love each other and want to make each other happy, the disparity is a problem for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she attracted to you?
As a DW, I thought that I was low drive and really just wasn't interested for years. Then, this past year out of nowhere I developed a huge crush on someone and all that I want in life is to sleep with him... All. The. Time. (I am not acting on this impulse, but am burning up with desire.)Turns out that I am just not attracted to DH that way.

+1
I pretty much assumed I was low libido and that was just the way I was wired. I was taken by surprise when I developed a crush on a guy (15+ years my senior) and it was pretty much alllllll I thought about. Never acted on it, but yup, it did awaken something that I didn't know was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

You are trying to move the goal posts lady. No one said one spouses desire was more important than the other one. It's wrong for one spouse to decide they are done with sex and tell the other spouse to use their hand and get over it. The issue calls for discussion and compromise and work, it's no less important than any other aspect of a marriage. You disagree- cool. No need to drag pedophilia into it to try to make your point.

The PP said that "anyone who shames sexual desire is nuts". Obviously, that's not true, and I'm glad the examples I provided made you release how utterly absurd the statement is.

Sometimes shaming sexual desire is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

The problem isn't her libido. The problem isn't his libido. The problem is the disparity between the two. And, presuming that married couples love each other and want to make each other happy, the disparity is a problem for both of them.

+1
Agree with this. The OP sounds like a good guy who wants to find a fair compromise. I hope he and his wife are able to work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

You are trying to move the goal posts lady. No one said one spouses desire was more important than the other one. It's wrong for one spouse to decide they are done with sex and tell the other spouse to use their hand and get over it. The issue calls for discussion and compromise and work, it's no less important than any other aspect of a marriage. You disagree- cool. No need to drag pedophilia into it to try to make your point.

The PP said that "anyone who shames sexual desire is nuts". Obviously, that's not true, and I'm glad the examples I provided made you release how utterly absurd the statement is.

Sometimes shaming sexual desire is necessary.

I don't think the statement was absurd, I think you are weakening whatever point you are making for trying to take it out of context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

You are trying to move the goal posts lady. No one said one spouses desire was more important than the other one. It's wrong for one spouse to decide they are done with sex and tell the other spouse to use their hand and get over it. The issue calls for discussion and compromise and work, it's no less important than any other aspect of a marriage. You disagree- cool. No need to drag pedophilia into it to try to make your point.

The PP said that "anyone who shames sexual desire is nuts". Obviously, that's not true, and I'm glad the examples I provided made you release how utterly absurd the statement is.

Sometimes shaming sexual desire is necessary.

I don't think the statement was absurd, I think you are weakening whatever point you are making for trying to take it out of context.

Context does not change a statement as absolute as:
"ANYONE who SHAMES SEXUAL DESIRE is NUTS."

And if don't see how treating sexual desire like some sacred, untouchable cow, that must be respected regardless of consequence, is problematic and has consequences that yes, involve trafficking victims and survivors of child sexual abuse, then I can't help you.

We need to stop prioritizing men's "being turned on" over the feelings of others. Both within the confines of marriage, and outside of it. The world would be a much safer place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"What can be done to help...

Hmmmmm...

Help what exactly? Because her libido is her libido, and it's perfectly fine the way it is.

So I guess I'll assume you are talking about how to help your levels of frustration and sexual entitlement issues.

For that I would recommend yoga for the frustration and some good old feminist literature for the entitlement issues. I think Andrea Dworkin's "Intercourse" would be a great place to start that specifically applies to your issues.


Happy reading

No just divorce her....that will get her sex drive back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Yeah, cause pedophilia is exactly what's being discussed here in this post

It's not, but by your logic all sexual desire should be completely off limits and never shamed!!1!

I was just taking that to it's logical conclusion to demonstrate the absurdity of that statement.

Nope. The statement was made in the context of this man/wife situation, you are the one being completely absurd.

Nope. Just pointing out what an absurd viewpoint that is to have.

Nope? Yes, the statement was indeed made in the context of a man/wife relationship. But feel free to make it about pedophilia, sex trafficking, anything you like.

Absolutely. When you act like sexual arousal cannot be criticized or studied, that leaves a perfect opening for abusive sexual relationships, be they in the context of a marriage or outside of it. Be it something as extreme as child sexual abuse or within an intimate relationship where a man does not respect the partner's wife to say no.

I take it you've reassessed that statement, and you realize how absurd it sounds, and now you want to limit it from being about things outside of marriage (zoophilia, pedophilia, sex trafficking) and limit it to the confines of marriage.

But even within the confines of marriage, of course sexuality can be criticized. If someone's sexual desire is placed as being more important than the other person's bodily autonomy, then that's not okay.

You are trying to move the goal posts lady. No one said one spouses desire was more important than the other one. It's wrong for one spouse to decide they are done with sex and tell the other spouse to use their hand and get over it. The issue calls for discussion and compromise and work, it's no less important than any other aspect of a marriage. You disagree- cool. No need to drag pedophilia into it to try to make your point.

The PP said that "anyone who shames sexual desire is nuts". Obviously, that's not true, and I'm glad the examples I provided made you release how utterly absurd the statement is.

Sometimes shaming sexual desire is necessary.

I don't think the statement was absurd, I think you are weakening whatever point you are making for trying to take it out of context.

Context does not change a statement as absolute as:
"ANYONE who SHAMES SEXUAL DESIRE is NUTS."

And if don't see how treating sexual desire like some sacred, untouchable cow, that must be respected regardless of consequence, is problematic and has consequences that yes, involve trafficking victims and survivors of child sexual abuse, then I can't help you.

We need to stop prioritizing men's "being turned on" over the feelings of others. Both within the confines of marriage, and outside of it. The world would be a much safer place.

The statement makes perfect sense in the context of the conversation. You disagree. Okay.

[Anonymous]

^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refreshing honesty from alot of the ladies here.
Sounds like a lot women who no longer care for sex.
How sad. Don't be surprised when your men stray with a younger woman who still has some libido.

Not true for many of us ladies at all.
And not true for partners who love and respect each other's needs either way. It sounds like that's a rare thing.

Sex has all sorts of positive benefits on your mood, sleep and health too:

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Having-Sex-20-Good-Health-Reasons-71825.shtml

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But things change, people change. Maybe her idea of "having sex" is something that happens less often, or something that does not come before all the other chores and responsibilities that make a life and a family with kids run smoothly.

And you know what? THAT"S OKAY.

You know you live in a patriarchy when people literally try to frame "not wanting to have sex" as if it is some kind of selfish, cruel crime.

YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NOT BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT BY YOUR SPOUSE.

So if that was the reason you got married- well, you made a poor life choice!

Try to be mature, take control for your own orgasms, realize and internalize the fact that your wife has a different libido than you and that that is perfectly, 100% valid.

So you have changed and no longer want sex? Or it's at the bottom of your priority list?
I can't force you to have sex with me. I can (and will) make my ongoing sexual needs heard.
I won't just give up silently. Just because, to you, sex is obsolete, does not make it so for me.
At the end of the day, I will not "rape" you and you can certainly choose to have little to no sex.
But that decision costs you my fidelity. I will not be celibate on your account.

"Needs". Sex is not a need, despite the efforts of men throughout history to get it thought of as such.

It's nice, sure. It can make you feel closer to a person.

But it's not a requirement for life.

It's not about giving up, it's about reframing your expectation of what constitutes a relationship. It's about considering her perspective in this issue. It's about not putting your WANT to have sex above her bodily autonomy.

It's about finding other ways to relieve that tension, of finally admitting that your wife has a different libido than you, and that that's okay, and that you do not get to have sex from someone who doesnt want it.

It's about reversing the sexual entitlement that you, as a male, have been taught since birth. It's about question whether this indeed the "desperate need" you have built up in your mind, or simply a disagreement, another aspect of your relationship where you see things differently, and not automatically assuming that your way is the correct one.

Female here with a higher sex drive than my now ex husband. After more than 7 years of sexual frustration, I got more and more open about how the status quo didn't work for me and could not continue. The day X chastised me for self pleasuring, when he wouldn't be bothered to have sex with me, was the day I left. Some of us don't take kindly to our "partners" controlling our sex drives. Only a low libido person would (incorrectly) describe sex as "not a need." Actually, biologically, it is a need.

Once again the same male poster, sorry "controlling" gave it away.

You should get a hobby of some sort! Join a club?

There are both men and women who think that poster is nuts. But if telling yourself it's only one person makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

Newsflash! There are other posters who think YOU are nuts, not just one.

But if telling yourself that's it's been the same person responding throughout this thread makes you feel better, go for it I guess.

So I didn't post that sex was a need, but I think the PP or any people who try to shame sexual desire are nuts. You are free to think I'm nuts in return. I'll be a happily married, sexually satisfied nut though. Carry on.

Any person who "shames sexual desire" is nuts?

So pedophilia, people who use sex trafficking victims, someone having sex with an animal- those things are okay?

Of course we need to look critically at sexual desire. Sexual desire has caused lots of suffering and horrible consequences for the recipients over the course of human history.

Just because you have the urge to have sex, no matter how overwhelming, does not mean you get to prioritize that urge over someone's well being or even just their preferences. And to act like being "sexually desirous" is some noble thing that no one can touch or talk about critically- that's crazy!!!

Great point, or people who say they can't help themselves. All choices.

If someone doesn't want sex all that much, it's perfectly ok. If someone wants it frequently with a willing partner again ok. Someone trying to pressure or force another is a different story. Sex is about two willing partners like any other action.

x100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refreshing honesty from alot of the ladies here.
Sounds like a lot women who no longer care for sex.
How sad. Don't be surprised when your men stray with a younger woman who still has some libido.

Not true for many of us ladies at all.
And not true for partners who love and respect each other's needs either way. It sounds like that's a rare thing.

Sex has all sorts of positive benefits on your mood, sleep and health too:

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Having-Sex-20-Good-Health-Reasons-71825.shtml

That is unpossible. Sex is a tool of the patriarchy to dominate and marginalize women. Now slap yourself for internalizing their misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Did OP clarify the frequency of sex? I mean if its twice a week.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refreshing honesty from alot of the ladies here.
Sounds like a lot women who no longer care for sex.
How sad. Don't be surprised when your men stray with a younger woman who still has some libido.

Not true for many of us ladies at all.
And not true for partners who love and respect each other's needs either way. It sounds like that's a rare thing.

Sex has all sorts of positive benefits on your mood, sleep and health too:

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Having-Sex-20-Good-Health-Reasons-71825.shtml

That is unpossible. Sex is a tool of the patriarchy to dominate and marginalize women. Now slap yourself for internalizing their misogyny.

I dont know if I would go that far, but it sure has been used as an excuse for some pretty shitty things, like the afore-mentioned pedophilia.

Thinking critically about the sex drive, and understanding that being turned on does not entitle you to sex, regardless of the situation, is a step in the right direction, towards a happier future. And it's something everyone can work for, both those who are married and those who are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Agreed, it's a statement about sexual desire, and PP seems to feel that sexual desire should never be studied or discussed critically, which makes sense given her personal experiences.

As demonstrated, it doesn't make the statement correct.

Someone(s) disagrees and thinks you are wrong. Are you going to be able to deal with it?