I've been unknowingly dating a transgender man

[Anonymous]

Could sue for psychological damage (cost of any therapy needed, loss of income if becomes less able to work)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe she really "looked feminine"

I have yet to meet a transgender person who could truly pass themselves off completely. Plenty of giveaways, like an adam's apple, height, the huge difference in muscular structure and body shape between men and women...


If you really were attracted to "her" you might want to consider the possibility that you are bi, and be a bit more open minded. Clearly there was something in "her" male form that attracted you.

x2

[Anonymous]

Picture or it didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

What this person did to you is horrible, OP. You are going to have to move past it. Do you really want to sue them for whatever? Not that there's really anything tangible that you could sue them for and that would become public record that will always be searchable. So the entire world would be able to see what happened to you.

I think you should actually have a conversation with her (him? I'm confused). Tell them how violated you feel. Find out why they thought it was okay not to mention that gigantic issue prior to intimacy. Explain to them that we their behavior is completely unacceptable. Get your feelings heard, close the chapter and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could sue for psychological damage (cost of any therapy needed, loss of income if becomes less able to work)?

If that were possible, can you imagine what divorce settlements would look like? Holy hell!

OP, you just move on. That's all there is to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so angry I don't even know what to do. This "woman" I have been seeing for thee past 3 months is actually a man. The only reason I found out is when we were about to get to "2nd base" this evening and he (she?) told me right before we got started (most likely because he had a dick). I blew up on him and almost slugged him, but I have too much to lose professionally for legal issues. He doesnt understand why I am so upset and said that he's a woman just like every other woman and I should respect that. He really does look like a woman, doesn't have a pronounced atoms apple, sounds feminine, and he has real looking breasts. I don't know if he's had surgery. I understand his point and I'm not against transgenders but I certainly don't want to be with one. I never thought I'd feel this way but actually I feel violated. It's really a total mind fuck right now. Does anyone know I have have any legal options- there are lots of lawyers on here right? What the hell do people do in this situation? I feel like posting his picture and putting it in all the bars so no one goes through this. I just needed to vent. I do not feel ready to talk to my friends about this yet.

WI think you meant to say you've been dating a transgender woman. The lingo is tricky but you'll get reamed to hell and back if you use it incorrectly.

Also I think that is something that needs to be told up front on a first date. She was in the wrong here, not you. I'm so sorry that you feel violated. Vent away, that was really shitty and irresponsible of her to do.

Frack that shit. It was a man who wants to be a woman. I'm sorry OP, I would have biitch slapped that person, and claimed self defense. You were mind fucked by the way. And PP, why is the PC pronoun usage more important than the person who was actually violated through fraudulent representation?

[Anonymous]

If you met her in a bar, post his pics in the bar. This will prevent him/her from doing this to someone else.

[Anonymous]

You know, they say the most vehement homophobes are often latent homosexuals. Might want to look into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like your homophobic.

Look she lied by omission and that's wrong. Move on. You found out what you need to know about her and her character. Let the homophobic commentary go.

PP, you really think everybody wants to engage in homosexual activity? Just because someone accepts your right to engage in those activities, does not equate that they want to also engage in homosexual activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Legal options?

Yes legal options. She a fucking dude. You lie about your marital status, your job, your family. Fine. He deceived me into thinking he's a woman. He was physical with me. He tried to compare this to him saying he's married and there is no difference. There's a huge fucking difference. I'm not gay. And I don't care if this dude, the athlete and whoever else thinks they are a woman. I will call you and treat you however you want, but at the end of the day, you are a man and you didn't even give me a chance to make a choice engaging in homosexual activity. To him its hetero.

You have a right to be angry but I'm flabbergasted as to why you think there is any legal action you can take against her.

I think OP is very upset because he feels he was physical with someone against his will, meaning had he known she was a transgender woman he would not have been physical with her. He feels violated and forced and I am sure a good deal of this knee jerk anger is from that.

It was in no way against his will. That he later learned something that made him regret the experience doesn't make it some kind of assault, unless we want people to be able to make the same claim if they fool around with someone who tums out to be married, lying about their interest in a long-term relationship, etc.

He would not want to have intimacy from someone who was biologically a male. There is a reason this transgender woman hid the truth of her status. It was to trick him into a relationship before learning the truth.

And again, how would it be different if a man lied to me about being single, even though I'm morally opposed to getting involved with a married man? What if a man lies to me about seeing long-term potential for us, knowing I'm opposed to fooling around casually? Do we want those situations to be actionable too?

PP, how is it different if you had sex with a man and he gave you herpes. Did you willing contract herpes when you were not given all the information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You either have anger issues in general, or you're homophobic, or both.

We would ALL be upset in your situation, OP. Because she lied. But your anger goes beyond normal and is really too violent and unhealthy. So calm down. You're acting like a baby.

OP your anger is normal for normal people. DCUM is not responsive to what 90% of what the world finds acceptable. You are venting to the wrong audience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that you only dated five times, which is within the reasonable number of times that a transgender would have to speak up. I don't think there's deceit involved here.

They really should tell before engaging in intimate activities. However, I think that for those in the dating scene, it would behoove them to ask such questions early into the relationship. It may sound like an insensitive question, but it is a question like many others, that requires asking earlier than later. If it is not important, then there is no need to find out what gender the person was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 months and just getting to 2nd base? There's the real problem

We have been on 5 dates. We both travel a lot for work so most of my getting to know her time was on the phone.

I have had a habit of moving too fast with women. This was the one time where I decided to let things slow down and play it out. Oddly, I do think he is a kind guy and feel bad that he has had to live life this way. But this is the second time it's happened to him. This means he's doing this on purpose. Why? If he keeps it up he's going to piss off the wrong dude.

FYI: you need to use female pronouns. It's a little confusing sometimes, I know, but you refer to people as they gender they present themselves as. If you were told that Laura in the Accounting Department at work used to be Larry, you'd refer to HER as Laura. You're not doing it now because you're mad at the transgender woman you were dating.

You are angry and feel violated because you were turned on by a guy. That makes you worry that you're gay. You're not gay. It was your body's physiological response to being stimulated. If a woman has an orgasm while she's being raped it doesn't mean she liked it - it means her body had a response. Like laughing when you're tickled even if you don't like being tickled.

Be upset for the weekend. Then move on with your life. You have no legal recourse at all, sorry. If you're truly secure in your sexuality, someday you will laugh to yourself about this.

No, actually he does not. Is the person legally a man or woman? This referring to people what they want to be called is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think the fifth date seems like a reasonable time to reveal this information but in the heat of intimacy is not ok.

Obviously someone who has gone to so much trouble to change her gender is not going to walk around saying, "by the way I used to be a man" on the first date!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The cruelty towards the OP in this thread is disappointing. He feels violated, out of sorts and thrown for a loop. He was molested as a child.

Yes, lets all call him homophobic, make fun of his choice of words and tell him he should get over it.

"Be a good little girl, he just slapped your ass, you were wearing a short skirt, that doesn't make you a slut but it also doesn't mean you can cry about it like some rape victim."

Yeah, no one is saying that.

DP, yeah several posters are saying that. Maybe you are one of those posters.