When you are forced to let go of the dream you had for your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

No need to shout, but I agree. This is not the thread to discuss your SN child and how sad you are about it. There is a SN forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

No need to shout, but I agree. This is not the thread to discuss your SN child and how sad you are about it. There is a SN forum.

Kids with special needs can go to college too, you know. And parents of kids with special needs are allowed to read and comment on non-SN threads (and to use the Recent Posts feature, as I do, which means you don't pay as much attention to the forum name.) The title of OP's post did sound like something that should be on the SN board.

And more importantly, people like the OP could certainly use the perspective that people are forced to gain when their child has SN or another serious challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

No need to shout, but I agree. This is not the thread to discuss your SN child and how sad you are about it. There is a SN forum.

Kids with special needs can go to college too, you know. And parents of kids with special needs are allowed to read and comment on non-SN threads (and to use the Recent Posts feature, as I do, which means you don't pay as much attention to the forum name.) The title of OP's post did sound like something that should be on the SN board.

And more importantly, people like the OP could certainly use the perspective that people are forced to gain when their child has SN or another serious challenge.

Another PP here. I have a special needs child among my 4 children. TBH, your thinking that someone needs perspective on a non-SN issue is offensive to this SN parent. Here is why. ALL parents have challenges with all children. And I would NEVER imply to another parent that they have it easy because I have a SN child and they do not. Whatever issues that family has may be big issues for that family. As the parent of non-SN children, I do not belittle the challenges they endure because my other child is SN. "Johnny, I know you were not accepted into Prestige U and that you are dissapointed and hurt - but buck up because at least you are not like your brother." That is an extreme example, but that is what you are doing here. I do not agree with the OP's POV at all, but she has the right to vent about a parenting challenge and to seek input and feedback. To tell her to suck it up because at least she does not have a SN child like me is dismissive and not helpfu at all. And it leads people to believe that SN parents are nothing but pity partiers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

No need to shout, but I agree. This is not the thread to discuss your SN child and how sad you are about it. There is a SN forum.

Kids with special needs can go to college too, you know. And parents of kids with special needs are allowed to read and comment on non-SN threads (and to use the Recent Posts feature, as I do, which means you don't pay as much attention to the forum name.) The title of OP's post did sound like something that should be on the SN board.

And more importantly, people like the OP could certainly use the perspective that people are forced to gain when their child has SN or another serious challenge.

Another PP here. I have a special needs child among my 4 children. TBH, your thinking that someone needs perspective on a non-SN issue is offensive to this SN parent. Here is why. ALL parents have challenges with all children. And I would NEVER imply to another parent that they have it easy because I have a SN child and they do not. Whatever issues that family has may be big issues for that family. As the parent of non-SN children, I do not belittle the challenges they endure because my other child is SN. "Johnny, I know you were not accepted into Prestige U and that you are dissapointed and hurt - but buck up because at least you are not like your brother." That is an extreme example, but that is what you are doing here. I do not agree with the OP's POV at all, but she has the right to vent about a parenting challenge and to seek input and feedback. To tell her to suck it up because at least she does not have a SN child like me is dismissive and not helpfu at all. And it leads people to believe that SN parents are nothing but pity partiers!

I am the poster you're responding to, and I also have a child with SN and one who is NT. I agree that it is obnoxious to use your child's SN to belittle other peoples' legitimate parenting issues. So if someone posts about their kid having difficulty with potty training or whatever, it would be obnoxious to respond "well my child will never walk so stop complaining."

But, this seemed to me like a different situation because the OP does not have a legitimate parenting issue, she has a screaming need for perspective. She admits she is living her life through her kid and says she's "devastated" that he is going to a "top university" instead of the Ivy league school that SHE wished SHE had attended. She needs to realize whose dreams matter in her kid's life (not hers), and on when she needs to get over herself and be proud of her kid (right now). I think contrasting that with the difficulty of getting over the "dream" that your child would be able to hear, or walk, or read is pretty profound.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don't see a parenting issue. I see vanity.

I don't deny that letting go of any dream is painful, but hey, most people have to do it once in a while. You'd think a grown-up would have a little more perspective about this and not fall apart like a pre-teen over her crush.

[Anonymous]

Another parent of one child with SN and one who is NT and I'm not offended by PP's post at all. I agree if she was saying "stop complaining because your DC is NT and you have no right to whine about anything" would be obnoxious. But its very common for parents of kids with SN to go through a process of realizing that they have to adjust their expectations for their child. This is true of even kids with minor LDs or kids with emotional issues. I have heard it phrased in precisely the same words OP used in her title. So it was jarring to read that the issue was that her child wants to go to Great School as opposed to Ivy League School.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

No need to shout, but I agree. This is not the thread to discuss your SN child and how sad you are about it. There is a SN forum.

Kids with special needs can go to college too, you know. And parents of kids with special needs are allowed to read and comment on non-SN threads (and to use the Recent Posts feature, as I do, which means you don't pay as much attention to the forum name.) The title of OP's post did sound like something that should be on the SN board.

And more importantly, people like the OP could certainly use the perspective that people are forced to gain when their child has SN or another serious challenge.

Another PP here. I have a special needs child among my 4 children. TBH, your thinking that someone needs perspective on a non-SN issue is offensive to this SN parent. Here is why. ALL parents have challenges with all children. And I would NEVER imply to another parent that they have it easy because I have a SN child and they do not. Whatever issues that family has may be big issues for that family. As the parent of non-SN children, I do not belittle the challenges they endure because my other child is SN. "Johnny, I know you were not accepted into Prestige U and that you are dissapointed and hurt - but buck up because at least you are not like your brother." That is an extreme example, but that is what you are doing here. I do not agree with the OP's POV at all, but she has the right to vent about a parenting challenge and to seek input and feedback. To tell her to suck it up because at least she does not have a SN child like me is dismissive and not helpfu at all. And it leads people to believe that SN parents are nothing but pity partiers!

I am the poster you're responding to, and I also have a child with SN and one who is NT. I agree that it is obnoxious to use your child's SN to belittle other peoples' legitimate parenting issues. So if someone posts about their kid having difficulty with potty training or whatever, it would be obnoxious to respond "well my child will never walk so stop complaining."

But, this seemed to me like a different situation because the OP does not have a legitimate parenting issue, she has a screaming need for perspective. She admits she is living her life through her kid and says she's "devastated" that he is going to a "top university" instead of the Ivy league school that SHE wished SHE had attended. She needs to realize whose dreams matter in her kid's life (not hers), and on when she needs to get over herself and be proud of her kid (right now). I think contrasting that with the difficulty of getting over the "dream" that your child would be able to hear, or walk, or read is pretty profound.

The PP you are responding to. Fair enough - I just think it is a fine line in general. FWIW, I do agree that she needs to understand quickly that his dream is what matters!

[Anonymous]

Well just look at it from Op's son's point of view. He has busted his tail to get the best grades in the toughest classes that he can possibly take throughout elementary, middle and highschool. He has spent every waking moment playing some sport, doing volunteer work for an organization, playing an instrument - really putting together an impressive resume for college.

And he gets into his top university choices! Ivy league school and Really Great School!! Really Great School feels like a better fit to him and that is the one he chooses to attend. His mother sobs and says - "I'm being forced to give up my dreams for you!!" boohoo, sob.

There is definitely a problem here and I actually I really, really feel for that young man.

[Anonymous]

My friend in high school got into a HYP school and lied to his parents- saying he got rejected. He want to a California state school instead. I have to imagine his life would be much different if he had gone to the Ivy

[Anonymous]

Something that really bugs me is when people use the term "devastated" in a really inappropriate way.

My kids were devastated when their dad died when they were 8 and 7 years old.

OP -- have you asked your son about the reasons for his choice? You mention his humility -- do you appreciate the good qualities of his character? Do you get that he is not you -- he is a separate person?

Instead of being "devastated", I would try to tell yourself that you are very lucky, and so is your son to have these great choices that you did not have. Presumably, you and your husband did a lot to make these great choices possible. You didn't have those choices, and you regret it -- he does. Let him make the choice. Celebrate the fact that he can choose -- and it would be great if you could focus on being proud of him, rather than disappointed that he will not fulfill your fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to be able to tell your friends "my son goes to Harvard" and that's what you are mourning. Wherever he ends up going, please speak of it proudly, not "well he got into 8 ivies, but chose x instead. But I'm okay with it!" Just embrace it.

You know that's EXACTLY what she plans to do. Forever. She will never get over her kid not choosing an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gee. My dream was that my child would be able to hear. She is not able to do that. People like you make me sick, OP.

+1 I honestly thought when I read the title of this thread that it would be from a special needs parent trying to grapple with the idea that their child will never go to college or have a typical adult experience. Please recognize your good fortune OP.

This, exactly. OP, you are very blessed.

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD SOMEONE COME TO A COLLEGE FORUM AND THINK FOR A SPLIT MINUTE THAT THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH A PHYSICALLY IMPAIRED CHILD? MAJOR DISCONNECT, THIS THREAD IS ODD VERY ODD. WHILE I AM VERY SORRY FOR THE PARENTS OF A CHILD WHO CANNOT HEAR, THIS IS A RATHER RANDOM PLACE TO COME AND ASSUME THATS WHATS BEING DISCUSSED.

Ugh. My earballs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend in high school got into a HYP school and lied to his parents- saying he got rejected. He want to a California state school instead. I have to imagine his life would be much different if he had gone to the Ivy

But would it be better? Or the life he wanted? Probably not. You people who think going to an Ivy is the golden ticket need a reality check. A couple of years out of college NO ONE CARES except perhaps students who like to brag and haven't moved on and folks who can't take a measure of a person without a brand attached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend in high school got into a HYP school and lied to his parents- saying he got rejected. He want to a California state school instead. I have to imagine his life would be much different if he had gone to the Ivy

But would it be better? Or the life he wanted? Probably not. You people who think going to an Ivy is the golden ticket need a reality check. A couple of years out of college NO ONE CARES except perhaps students who like to brag and haven't moved on and folks who can't take a measure of a person without a brand attached.

Says the person who didn't go to a top school to make him/herself feel better.

I don't think the "Ivy" label itself is anything special, but it certainly does mean something to have a top school on your resume, even further out. Networking is also huge.

Of course, your experience and abilities are far more valuable, but going to a top school is far from negligible.

[Anonymous]

Say what you will. It is common knowledge that the networking and job opportunities upon graduation from an Ivy are unparallelled.

I think it's easy for a lot of us whose own kids will not be Ivy candidates to sit here and say in our more self righteous tone that let him choose, it's his life, etc...but come on people getting into an Ivy is big deal. I will be the first to tell you if it was my son, I would do everything in my power to at least encourage him to try it. If after the first year he is miserable then let him go where he wants to.

You see a phenomenal opportunity that COULD mean great things for your child, it is natural to want that for them. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever in my estimation.