They want us to pay for their travel

[Anonymous]

Point of clarification, which of these things happened:

1. You/DH offered the free awards tickets, and the in-laws said "we don't fly that airline, dear"
OR
2. You told your husband that he should offer them the awards tickets and he told you "they don't fly that airline, dear"


Huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don't get why they want a big party for 20 people if they are from out of town- who are all these guests they want you to invite? Do they all live far away as well? If so, I imagine they won't come and it will be a small party after all. Or can you make it an ultimatum- either you pay for tix on the airline of their choice and have a small lunch, or they accept the free tix and you have a bigger party? It is insane to do both.

I was wondering g this too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are they OP? My In-laws are 76 and 80, and they have become shockingly incapable over the last decade during which I have known them. I can imagine them saying they didn't think they could figure out how to get to a new gate. However, they don't simultaneously ask me to pay for their tickets!

Mid-sixties.

What is with all these near helpless fifty and sixty somethings that we've been hearing about in these threads lately? I used to live in a neighborhood where 70, 80 + year old people were still mowing their own lawns and some were still cleaning their own gutters. Many were still working. I'll be right around 60 myself when my youngest graduates from college - boy I hope and pray that I am not **that** old.

My parents, 70 and 73, put 10,000 miles on their car on a 8-week trip around the Unites States last year. And these prima donnas can't figure out which gate their flight departs from? I'd lose my mind. That said, OP, your bigger problem is your husband. Unilaterally spending that kind of money when your partner has expressly disagreed is a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two points:

1) Offer points, or not at all. Unless they are poor, you shouldn't be covering their travel. Have you paid before?

2) *You and DH* get to decide how to celebrate your child's baptism. Make that ultra clear to him--that these kinds of decisions don't get made by the grandparents, and that he needs to learn fast that it's more important to make his wife happy than his parents. If he wants a party that's one thing, but if he only wants to do it for his parents, no dice.

I would definitely die on these hills and get to counseling if he can't see past his parents' crazy wishes on this. It's not a good place to start new parenthood catering to the ILs, and if you haven't established yourselves as an independent household separate from them, well, now's the time!

+1
I think this is perfectly said. Your husband needs to learn that he has a new household now, and this process needs to start ASAP. Whatever his issues, ie about moving away, you need to confront them directly. Placating these ridiculous demands will only leave you deeply resentful over time. You can compromise but the compromise would have been the free tickets.

And you raise your child and celebrate your child the way you both want. You can take your in laws' wishes into consideration but you cannot be a slave to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't get why they want a big party for 20 people if they are from out of town- who are all these guests they want you to invite? Do they all live far away as well? If so, I imagine they won't come and it will be a small party after all. Or can you make it an ultimatum- either you pay for tix on the airline of their choice and have a small lunch, or they accept the free tix and you have a bigger party? It is insane to do both.

I was wondering g this too...

They want us to invite lots of people that we know here.

[Anonymous]

Then THEY should host the party at a nice restaurant. You need to push back on this, OP. Asking for airfare is unreasonable. Nip this in the bud.

[Anonymous]

As this has progressed and the OP's answered more questions, I'm starting to think the OP is pulling our leg.

The last response is what did it for me: who lets inlaws dictate who they invite to a christening? Especially when the inlaws don't know any of the people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As this has progressed and the OP's answered more questions, I'm starting to think the OP is pulling our leg.

The last response is what did it for me: who lets inlaws dictate who they invite to a christening? Especially when the inlaws don't know any of the people.

+1. OP's being very selective in which questions she answers...looking fishy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't get why they want a big party for 20 people if they are from out of town- who are all these guests they want you to invite? Do they all live far away as well? If so, I imagine they won't come and it will be a small party after all. Or can you make it an ultimatum- either you pay for tix on the airline of their choice and have a small lunch, or they accept the free tix and you have a bigger party? It is insane to do both.

I was wondering g this too...

They want us to invite lots of people that we know here.

They want the attention of being the glorious grandparents and don't care who it's from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the tickets using reward points was the perfect compromise. I would say we can't afford to pay cash so either take these tickets we earned or not. Who prefers a specific airline these days??? They all suck equally!

+1

[Anonymous]

Did the inlaws reject the free tickets, or did your DH refuse to offer them to them?

[Anonymous]

Are you still here OP? I think you & your husband need to go into counseling for how to jointly manage your finances. Financial disagreements are the #1 cause for divorce and it sounds like you're Catholic, so I would focus my "die on a hill" energies on the big picture red flag - your marriage has a problem that today is about whether & how to pay for your ILs' flight, but several years from now is going to be about "well, I work hard and it's my money, so why should I have to check with you before loaning it out to my sister or buying this thing I've always wanted" and your side of the story is going to be that you have zero saved for the kids' college yet, that's why.

My ILs are super upfront and blunt, so we have this kind of candor, so in your situation, I would just call up my MIL and tell her directly - that DH & I weren't on the same page about the budget for the baptism when he offered to pay for the flights, that we still haven't come to an agreement, and that we need to come to an understanding about how to manage our finances jointly if this marriage is going to stick. So, for now, plans for a party aren't on the priority list, and it's going to take some time to sort what to do about the flights. In the meantime, DH & I will keep talking and we'll let you know when we're reached at least a short-term compromise.

I know that wouldn't work for a lot of families, but my MIL would understand the gravity of the situation and back down on any demands about flights & a party.

[Anonymous]

The posters who have said your DH needs to grow up are 100% correct. However, I have BTDT, and while I am happy to report that after 15 years of marriage and 10 years of parenting, DH and I are on the same side about 90% of the time when it comes to his family, it is not a quick process and it will not be amicably resolved in time to make plans for a summer baptism.

So then, you need a compromise. Your offer to provide reward tickets was generous. Here's another option. Tell DH, we have X amount this year to spend on a vacation. We were planning on using a portion of that to visit your parents later this year. If we spend money, rather than reward points, on your parents' tickets, that is coming out of our budget for visiting your family, and we will not be able to fly to see them later this year. That is eminently fair, although he may not see it as such. If you can afford to pay for a certain number of visits to his family in a year, even if that number is one, then it is not a problem to use that money to pay for his parents' flight. But any budget, no matter how large or small, is finite. You can't and shouldn't pay for everything.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As this has progressed and the OP's answered more questions, I'm starting to think the OP is pulling our leg.

The last response is what did it for me: who lets inlaws dictate who they invite to a christening? Especially when the inlaws don't know any of the people.

+1. OP's being very selective in which questions she answers...looking fishy.

It's a little hard when you can't multiquote because you're anonymous. What answers are you looking for?

MIL wants to attend a big party and I believe was feeling left out. She doesn't care about the occasion or if she doesn't know anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As this has progressed and the OP's answered more questions, I'm starting to think the OP is pulling our leg.

The last response is what did it for me: who lets inlaws dictate who they invite to a christening? Especially when the inlaws don't know any of the people.

+1. OP's being very selective in which questions she answers...looking fishy.

It's a little hard when you can't multiquote because you're anonymous. What answers are you looking for?

MIL wants to attend a big party and I believe was feeling left out. She doesn't care about the occasion or if she doesn't know anyone.

Given that your ILs are not religious, want you to have a big party that you don't want to have even though they won't know anyone there, and want you to pay for expensive plane tickets, what possible justification does your husband offer for giving in to their demands? Surely he has to see how ridiculous this is. Make sure your inlaws know they're invited to the small get together you're having if they want to use your reward tickets, and leave it at that.