What to do about sister's destination wedding

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be a victim. The thing is, if you go by yourself, without kids, everyone in your family will pout for a day and then will forget about it. I swear to God. Yes they will. You see, no one cares as much as we think they would.

You don't have to make a big fight about it. It can only become a fight or an argument if you argue or try to prove your point. Don't do it. You are an adult. Announce that this is what you're doing, and that's the end of it. Don't negotiate or explain. This is what works for you. No one can make you do anything you don't want to do. Your family isn't going to divorce you.

I think if you go with your kids, you'll spend the whole time catering to their needs and won't have anywhere as much fun as one can expect at a wedding. I would go by myself and have a grand time. People will get over it. Yes they will. Your needs are important and there is nothing wrong with doing what is right FOR YOU. Yes, it's the bride's day. What this means is that the bride gets to do what SHE wants. She does NOT get other people to behave the way she wants. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation.


I never said that I wanted to save it for another vacation. I don't.

To be clear, if I didn't have to spend over $2000, we'd probably drive to the Delaware beaches for a few days this summer. If we all go to the wedding I won't, and I'll enroll them in a different (cheaper) summer camp than I would have otherwise, and also have them take the summer off from karate lessons. But I'm not saving it for another $2K plus vacation that is a trip that I'd rather take than the wedding.

Answer this: WHY does your sister want your kids at the wedding? It doesn't sound like she is terribly close to them. It seems to she wants them there for the cuteness and photo ops. Is this worth the stress and the expense for you? Let her use someone else's kids as props. How much attention would the kids receive from her at the event? Zero. How much fun would they have at the event? Just as much as they would have at a playground or at the beach. Weddings don't mean a damn to five-year olds.

[Anonymous]

OP Your mom and sis seem so clueless that I would hesitate to bring the twins even if it were in town! They do not get that: you have kids. They are twins (twice as likely to join hands and NOT behave) it is expensive. likely they will just say, oh look, you brought the twins! then never lift a hand to help you once you are there. So, I would rsvp for one and just enjoy yourself.

[Anonymous]

So what did you decide, OP?

[Anonymous]

Your sister - and especially your mom, who knows what it's like to be raising a young family and doesn't even have the excuse of being distracted by "I'm a briiiiiide"! - are being completely ridiculous and they. are. in. the. wrong. No two ways about it. You are completely sensible to be thinking not just about the financial cost to your family, which is a very reasonable and important factor to consider, but also the stress involved with traveling to this destination wedding. And I say this as someone who also had a destination wedding (in our case we live quite far from both our families, so lots of people would have had to travel regardless - but we chose a place where *everyone* would have to travel to get there. So clearly a destination wedding). When we made that decision we knew it would mean many of our close friends and family couldn't come and that was our issue to deal with, not theirs.

My sister did come and brought her husband my two young (5 and 7) nieces. We loved that they were there, made the nieces both flower girls, it was great. My dear cousin came alone and left his wife and their two little ones at home, and we were so happy to see him and missed his wife and daughters but that was great too. My DH's brother did not come, because he had been planning to use his time and money that year to go on a vacation to a completely different exotic location, and we missed him, but that was absolutely fine too; we saw him several months later and loved looking at the pix of his awesome trip (which was way cooler than where we had our wedding - heck, we probably should've gone with him). You are not the bad guy here! In fact if I were you I'd turn the tables and start throwing some heavy guilt back on them instead. Knock 'em off guard. I hate people who give guilt trips and have found that giving it right back often shuts them down fast as they move on to easier prey.

Tl;dr: agree with those who say RSVP for one. I bet when you're there your sister will be so busy she won't even notice who's missing and you will all have a fine time.

(And to those who say it'd be a "slap in the face not to take your husband" - really?? - who is supposed to stay home with your twins while you're away? C'mon, that's just a stupid comment by the sort of people who love to look for a reason to take offense at anything.)

[Anonymous]

You have to do what is financially feasible, however...

I wish our plane tickets only cost $500!
To visit our close family members, we have to travel either 7 or 13 hours and pay $2k per person. Family of 4.
We scrimp and save for this.

[Anonymous]

What I would not be doing at a destination wedding: towing around and caring for two overtired, wired out, and very excited twin six year olds, so that my sister can have the perfect photo op with them for five minutes on her day. On top of this, incurring all expense and responsibility for the children and not much enjoying the trip.

What I would be doing: enjoying paradise and feeling happy for my sister's nuptuials. Dipping my feet in the pool, after trying to look ladylike while carrying two margaritas. Pretending to desperately miss my husband and children, while I soak up the rays (and much needed time off) maybe admire the cabana boy, while secretly mulling if he pronounces his name "Rawl" or "Ra-ooool". Go home happy and relaxed, and give my husband a much needed break by sending him out to cool off with the boys at the pub.

[Anonymous]

RSVP for one. Tell them you want to enjoy your sister's wedding and it's hard to do so in the midst of international travel with small kids who won't appreciate it.

My mom was upset I didn't take 5 month old DD to my brother's wedding (which started after DD's bedtime). I didn't budge and I"m glad I didn't. I had a great time and wouldn't have been able to do that if I had to deal with a cranky, overtired baby. She got over it.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it's not even really about the bride. Don't you guys feel it's important to make an effort for your children to be part of family events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it's not even really about the bride. Don't you guys feel it's important to make an effort for your children to be part of family events?

It's important for children to be a part when the fact that there are children they would like to attend, and when the "host" understands, and is possibly willing to incur some of the cost, time, and emotional expense of having them there.

A destination wedding is about the venue, not about family. The bride chose that route when she chose to have a destination wedding. The very nature of them makes them at minimum a bone of contention, at worst prohibitive, for "guests".

So, in the words of the Rolling Stones " you can't always get what you want". The bride is getting her destination wedding. She should not expect everyone else to take extreme burden to accommodate and fulfill the rest of her very lofty wish list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it's not even really about the bride. Don't you guys feel it's important to make an effort for your children to be part of family events?

It's important for children to be a part when the fact that there are children they would like to attend, and when the "host" understands, and is possibly willing to incur some of the cost, time, and emotional expense of having them there.

A destination wedding is about the venue, not about family. The bride chose that route when she chose to have a destination wedding. The very nature of them makes them at minimum a bone of contention, at worst prohibitive, for "guests".

So, in the words of the Rolling Stones " you can't always get what you want". The bride is getting her destination wedding. She should not expect everyone else to take extreme burden to accommodate and fulfill the rest of her very lofty wish list.

I guess this is just a reflection of a difference in value systems. OP, you have to decide your perspective is.

[Anonymous]

I agree destination weddings are ridiculous and not family friendly. Your sister should not expect the twins to come. However, my parents gladly pay for any scheduled family gathering that is beyond our means. Have you asked your mom if she'd be willing to help out? Would this be too much for her? Seems like she's the one most offended by the twins not coming. Maybe she could pay for the twins airfare, you could skip the beach this summer, keep the kids in better camps and still all make it to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I would not be doing at a destination wedding: towing around and caring for two overtired, wired out, and very excited twin six year olds, so that my sister can have the perfect photo op with them for five minutes on her day. On top of this, incurring all expense and responsibility for the children and not much enjoying the trip.

What I would be doing: enjoying paradise and feeling happy for my sister's nuptuials. Dipping my feet in the pool, after trying to look ladylike while carrying two margaritas. Pretending to desperately miss my husband and children, while I soak up the rays (and much needed time off) maybe admire the cabana boy, while secretly mulling if he pronounces his name "Rawl" or "Ra-ooool". Go home happy and relaxed, and give my husband a much needed break by sending him out to cool off with the boys at the pub.

I should have done this. Instead I travelled to Europe with two young girls, 8 and 11 and spent five thousand dollars on my sister's wedding who then was furious because my sons and husband could not go. Our relationship has never been the same. In fact I still hate her for it. I should have gone alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I would not be doing at a destination wedding: towing around and caring for two overtired, wired out, and very excited twin six year olds, so that my sister can have the perfect photo op with them for five minutes on her day. On top of this, incurring all expense and responsibility for the children and not much enjoying the trip.

What I would be doing: enjoying paradise and feeling happy for my sister's nuptuials. Dipping my feet in the pool, after trying to look ladylike while carrying two margaritas. Pretending to desperately miss my husband and children, while I soak up the rays (and much needed time off) maybe admire the cabana boy, while secretly mulling if he pronounces his name "Rawl" or "Ra-ooool". Go home happy and relaxed, and give my husband a much needed break by sending him out to cool off with the boys at the pub.

I should have done this. Instead I travelled to Europe with two young girls, 8 and 11 and spent five thousand dollars on my sister's wedding who then was furious because my sons and husband could not go. Our relationship has never been the same. In fact I still hate her for it. I should have gone alone.

How sad that your sister is so bitter over a wedding that you made the effort to attend. Life is too short for this shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it's not even really about the bride. Don't you guys feel it's important to make an effort for your children to be part of family events?

Not if the family makes it difficult. It goes both ways.