What to do about sister's destination wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please realize there are many many posters on this forum who have disposable incomes where 2k is not a big deal.
It seems like that is not the case for you, so take the advice to go with the entire family with a grain of salt.
Check out the real estate or money forum to get an idea, it can be eye opening!

I'm one of those people who thinks she should go. We are very solidly middle class and DO NOT come by 2K easily. We do not regularly take family vacations, etc. But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation. I think that would sting, as the bride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please realize there are many many posters on this forum who have disposable incomes where 2k is not a big deal.
It seems like that is not the case for you, so take the advice to go with the entire family with a grain of salt.
Check out the real estate or money forum to get an idea, it can be eye opening!

I'm one of those people who thinks she should go. We are very solidly middle class and DO NOT come by 2K easily. We do not regularly take family vacations, etc. But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation. I think that would sting, as the bride.

Only because this is your sister and not a distant relative, I agree.

[Anonymous]

But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation.

I never said that I wanted to save it for another vacation. I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation.

I never said that I wanted to save it for another vacation. I don't.

My apologies. I misread.

[Anonymous]

If sister cared about you or anyone else she would have selected a reasonable wedding venue.

[Anonymous]

But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation.


I never said that I wanted to save it for another vacation. I don't.

To be clear, if I didn't have to spend over $2000, we'd probably drive to the Delaware beaches for a few days this summer. If we all go to the wedding I won't, and I'll enroll them in a different (cheaper) summer camp than I would have otherwise, and also have them take the summer off from karate lessons. But I'm not saving it for another $2K plus vacation that is a trip that I'd rather take than the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please realize there are many many posters on this forum who have disposable incomes where 2k is not a big deal.
It seems like that is not the case for you, so take the advice to go with the entire family with a grain of salt.
Check out the real estate or money forum to get an idea, it can be eye opening!

I agree. I think we have a socioeconomic divide going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post just points out how out of hand weddings have become. This attitude that the bride's special day needs to be honored and accommodated no mater how unreasonable is sick.

My guess is that sisters wedding will be a long drawn out affair and op has no idea what other undisclosed expectations she is going to run into if she and her family go.

I don't understand how so many people support these outrageous expectations. Do you all work in the bridal industry?

I swear there are some entitled ex brides who are here trying to justify the crazy sh%t they expected their guests to deal with.

When did destination weddings become a thing? That is some straight up bs expecting the entire family to be there.

I don't think it has a lot to do with the bride. I know I've been very disappointed when family members didn't include kids at weddings (way before I had kids) and I've also been extremely disappointed when people did not show up to family weddings or did not bring the whole family. I treasure times when we can all be together as one giant family, and since that generally happens most often for weddings and wakes, and weddings are more fun (usually) it means a lot to me when people make the effort to come. I'm talking weddings that aren't mine. They're for all of us as a family, not just the bride.

OP, I think your mom and sister are reasonable to be disappointed, and I also think it is reasonable for you to decline to bring your kids. But I think it s a real slap in the face not to bring your DH. And given that you say the cost is twice what it would have cost to fly to her hometown, an you would have done that anyway, I would hope that you would stretch yourself and make the effort. As you said, you flew cross-country for a death with the kids. Isn't it worth it to fly to one of a family's great celebrations in life?

To be clear, I think your sister planned badly if the kids are important to her. (And she sounds like a good aunt within the realities of her personality...I have aunts who never once sent me gifts for anything but I developed deep relationships with them when I was older and I am super-close to them as adults. Your girls' relationship with your sister is for a lifetime, not just hike they are little kids, so thy may yet grow much closer someday.) I think a destination wedding is a real challenge and not ideal unless you're willing to pay for the people you want there. So you "win" in my book in terms if who is right and wrong. But I'd still bring the kids. I don't think you'll ever regret it.

You spend a lot of energy being "very disappointed" about reasonable decisions that other people make that are not about you at all. You do not sound like a joy to be around. If I had a family member who acted "disappointed" that I didn't bring my kids somewhere (even to a wedding that was not hers!) it would significantly decrease my desire to see that person.

First of all, it doesn't take energy to feel disappointed. I feel joy at family weddings, and I love seeing whoever is there and have a good time, but those good feelings can co-exist with missing family members who are not there.

And, really, you'd want to spend less time with me if I was disappointed not to see your kids at a wedding? You'd like my company more if I'm happier for your kids to be gone? That's just weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Go alone OP. Or go with your husband.

I'm a mother of young twins and I would make the exact same call as you. Not worth the time, the expense, the hassle, etc...

Go and be there for your sister and have fun.

Do not let her (or your mother) make you feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am a Mom of two girls who we paid for weddings and one of the oldest is now the Mom of girl twins exactly the same age as your daughters. Even on a GREAT day at a loca wedding, they would be hard pressed to necessarily enjoy a day full of wedding events AND their Mother and Dad, too. Adding a long plane ride AND then a couple of hours of driving, would be a great recipe for two, over-tired children having a horrible time and if your sister is lucky becoming the center of attention through no fault of their own.
A destination wedding is usually an event aimed at adults, and it is putting a lot of unnecessary financial and other burden on you, DH and the kids. RSVP for one unless you and your husband want to extend time at the location for a bit of a "child free" vacation break. I would encourage my daughter and SIL to do so. In fact, we are planning to sit for them in early 2016 so they can go to Peru to the in-country wedding of one of my niece's who will be residing there in the future. Why -- because the wedding will be a very, very lavish affair more for the 30's, professional and monied crowd than for 60+aunts and uncles. They are in, in fact, helping to watch a younger sibling who has a disability and resides with us while we go to Europe in May. Basically, you need to consider your nuclear family's dynamics, your family budget and what you can reasonably do for extended family. We have already sent a very nice gift for another nephew who is getting married in the Bahamas in May. In our case there are 17 nieces and nephews so we will do the best we can, but not to all and not all of us to all of the weddings in every case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But we wouldn't even think twice about attending, especially since she says she has the money, but it's tight and she just wants to save it for another vacation.


I never said that I wanted to save it for another vacation. I don't.

To be clear, if I didn't have to spend over $2000, we'd probably drive to the Delaware beaches for a few days this summer. If we all go to the wedding I won't, and I'll enroll them in a different (cheaper) summer camp than I would have otherwise, and also have them take the summer off from karate lessons. But I'm not saving it for another $2K plus vacation that is a trip that I'd rather take than the wedding.

I'd RSVP just for you. For some people, $2K is not a big deal; for some, it is. People who have destination weddings just have to accept that their choice of venue means that not everyone they invite can come. If your sister's priority was having all her family there, she would have chosen a different location or offered to pay for your travel. It isn't and she didn't. Don't beat yourself up over it.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you explained to your mom and sister what kind of financial impact this will have on the kids? If not, I would say to them that I would love to go with the kids but money is very tight and you would have to restrict the kids' activities for the summer to pay for the trip. If they don't care, that's awful, but you then have to decide what you value most: avoiding a fight/rift with your mom and sister or providing your children with specific opportunities over the summer.

I'm not telling you to try to lay a guilt trip on them, but just explain the facts. Most sane grandmothers and aunts would not want to deprive their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. Maybe they just don't understand the financial choice you have to make.

Re:the hassle of travel - that to me is a cop out. I know your sister is being inconsiderate by demanding attendance at a far-flung place but sometimes you just deal with that. You guys could deal with the logistics in order to attend a wedding. I wouldn't bring that angle up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Re:the hassle of travel - that to me is a cop out. I know your sister is being inconsiderate by demanding attendance at a far-flung place but sometimes you just deal with that. You guys could deal with the logistics in order to attend a wedding. I wouldn't bring that angle up again.

I agree. It sounds like an excuse.

[Anonymous]

I think any reasonable person who plans a destination wedding is aware of the fact that making it destination means that a lot of people can't come, including family members who would otherwise attend. In fact, that's often the reason the couple chooses a destination wedding - they want to keep it small.

I'm surprised your sister didn't realize this "duh!" factor when deciding on her wedding location. If this wasn't the intended outcome, then what did she have in mind?

[Anonymous]

Who has the energy for all this family drama? Do not engage OP. Just make the decision that is best for you, your husband and your children.

My brother got married in Tokyo. We had a toddler, and plane tickets were $1500 each, not to mention the very long flight. I didn't go. Neither did my sister, but my 2 brothers and other sister were able to go. There was no guilt trip from anyone. Everyone understood. We sent an expensive gift and wished them well. You can do the same.