What to do about sister's destination wedding

[Anonymous]

but don't get mad at them for having feelings and opinions.

Huh? I'm not mad at them, they're made at me. I do think their expectations are unreasonable, but wanted to see if perhaps it was me who was being unreasonable. Responses are all over the board, so it looks like there is not a clear right or wrong answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go. If money is the main objection, I would let your mom and sister know that budget is a huge concern. If it was my wedding, I'd pay for at least the flights for the twins.

As a PP said above, it's important that children are part of family celebrations. It makes shared memories and helps cement traditions. I also don't think 6 year olds would be bored by a typical wedding, if there is a reception and dancing and such.

If your sister didn't consult you about location and price before booking I think it's really inconsiderate and presumptuous of her. At the very least she should offer to pay for the kids. But even I she doesn't, I would still go. You, your husband, and your kids should all be at your sister's wedding. It's a once in a lifetime thing.

Maybe not.

[Anonymous]

This post just points out how out of hand weddings have become. This attitude that the bride's special day needs to be honored and accommodated no mater how unreasonable is sick.

My guess is that sisters wedding will be a long drawn out affair and op has no idea what other undisclosed expectations she is going to run into if she and her family go.

I don't understand how so many people support these outrageous expectations. Do you all work in the bridal industry?

I swear there are some entitled ex brides who are here trying to justify the crazy sh%t they expected their guests to deal with.

When did destination weddings become a thing? That is some straight up bs expecting the entire family to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but don't get mad at them for having feelings and opinions.

Huh? I'm not mad at them, they're made at me. I do think their expectations are unreasonable, but wanted to see if perhaps it was me who was being unreasonable. Responses are all over the board, so it looks like there is not a clear right or wrong answer.

Yup. They're mad at you .That's just how they feel and they can't really help it. The only reason it really bothers is you is because you're wondering if it's the right decision. If you're not sure then go and take the family. If you're sure, then just go by yourself.

[Anonymous]

It's family...you must go. Its a wedding....that means your family does not count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post just points out how out of hand weddings have become. This attitude that the bride's special day needs to be honored and accommodated no mater how unreasonable is sick.

My guess is that sisters wedding will be a long drawn out affair and op has no idea what other undisclosed expectations she is going to run into if she and her family go.

I don't understand how so many people support these outrageous expectations. Do you all work in the bridal industry?

I swear there are some entitled ex brides who are here trying to justify the crazy sh%t they expected their guests to deal with.

When did destination weddings become a thing? That is some straight up bs expecting the entire family to be there.

I don't think it has a lot to do with the bride. I know I've been very disappointed when family members didn't include kids at weddings (way before I had kids) and I've also been extremely disappointed when people did not show up to family weddings or did not bring the whole family. I treasure times when we can all be together as one giant family, and since that generally happens most often for weddings and wakes, and weddings are more fun (usually) it means a lot to me when people make the effort to come. I'm talking weddings that aren't mine. They're for all of us as a family, not just the bride.

OP, I think your mom and sister are reasonable to be disappointed, and I also think it is reasonable for you to decline to bring your kids. But I think it s a real slap in the face not to bring your DH. And given that you say the cost is twice what it would have cost to fly to her hometown, an you would have done that anyway, I would hope that you would stretch yourself and make the effort. As you said, you flew cross-country for a death with the kids. Isn't it worth it to fly to one of a family's great celebrations in life?

To be clear, I think your sister planned badly if the kids are important to her. (And she sounds like a good aunt within the realities of her personality...I have aunts who never once sent me gifts for anything but I developed deep relationships with them when I was older and I am super-close to them as adults. Your girls' relationship with your sister is for a lifetime, not just hike they are little kids, so thy may yet grow much closer someday.) I think a destination wedding is a real challenge and not ideal unless you're willing to pay for the people you want there. So you "win" in my book in terms if who is right and wrong. But I'd still bring the kids. I don't think you'll ever regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's family...you must go. Its a wedding....that means your family does not count.

To quote a poster on another thread "Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post just points out how out of hand weddings have become. This attitude that the bride's special day needs to be honored and accommodated no mater how unreasonable is sick.

My guess is that sisters wedding will be a long drawn out affair and op has no idea what other undisclosed expectations she is going to run into if she and her family go.

I don't understand how so many people support these outrageous expectations. Do you all work in the bridal industry?

I swear there are some entitled ex brides who are here trying to justify the crazy sh%t they expected their guests to deal with.

When did destination weddings become a thing? That is some straight up bs expecting the entire family to be there.

I don't think it has a lot to do with the bride. I know I've been very disappointed when family members didn't include kids at weddings (way before I had kids) and I've also been extremely disappointed when people did not show up to family weddings or did not bring the whole family. I treasure times when we can all be together as one giant family, and since that generally happens most often for weddings and wakes, and weddings are more fun (usually) it means a lot to me when people make the effort to come. I'm talking weddings that aren't mine. They're for all of us as a family, not just the bride.

OP, I think your mom and sister are reasonable to be disappointed, and I also think it is reasonable for you to decline to bring your kids. But I think it s a real slap in the face not to bring your DH. And given that you say the cost is twice what it would have cost to fly to her hometown, an you would have done that anyway, I would hope that you would stretch yourself and make the effort. As you said, you flew cross-country for a death with the kids. Isn't it worth it to fly to one of a family's great celebrations in life?

To be clear, I think your sister planned badly if the kids are important to her. (And she sounds like a good aunt within the realities of her personality...I have aunts who never once sent me gifts for anything but I developed deep relationships with them when I was older and I am super-close to them as adults. Your girls' relationship with your sister is for a lifetime, not just hike they are little kids, so thy may yet grow much closer someday.) I think a destination wedding is a real challenge and not ideal unless you're willing to pay for the people you want there. So you "win" in my book in terms if who is right and wrong. But I'd still bring the kids. I don't think you'll ever regret it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's family...you must go. Its a wedding....that means your family does not count.

To quote a poster on another thread "Give me a family where everyone just trusts in what they mean to each other, rather than one with an attendance sheet."

Sometimes it's open to be present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I you get to decide if your kids and husband go or not, fine. But your sister and mother and extended family are entitled to feel hurt, disappointed, resentful, etc if they do not attend. Whether that bothers you is up to you, but don't get mad at them for having feelings and opinions.

But their feelings and opinions are juvenile and unreasonable. How can you be upset that OP doesn't have thousands of extra dollars to allow for her sister's selfish decision to have a destination wedding??

She says they can afford it.

I can afford it too, but I'll be damned if I'm told how to spend my money and I don't want to spend my hard earned money on someone else's idea of a nice vacation.

Right, and like I said, that's fine. But their feelings in response to that decision are legitimate too.

I disagree. If it were really that important to the bride and her mother, they'd have the wedding somewhere more accessible. Instead, the bride chose a location that makes it awfully hard for the OP and her family to participate. Which is more important: the destination, or having her sister's family there? If the former, don't get angry when the OP says she can't bring her family. If the latter, have it somewhere easier for the OP (and probably lots of other potential guests) to make it.

[Anonymous]

Destination weddings where folks EXPECT others to go are self-indulgent and rude, PARTICULARLY here where there is no family tie to the destination.

This is done by a narcissist so that their wedding photos have a gamorous backdrop.

What a load of BS.

If OP were smart they would tell the sister to shove it. She's never going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I you get to decide if your kids and husband go or not, fine. But your sister and mother and extended family are entitled to feel hurt, disappointed, resentful, etc if they do not attend. Whether that bothers you is up to you, but don't get mad at them for having feelings and opinions.

But their feelings and opinions are juvenile and unreasonable. How can you be upset that OP doesn't have thousands of extra dollars to allow for her sister's selfish decision to have a destination wedding??

She says they can afford it.

I can afford it too, but I'll be damned if I'm told how to spend my money and I don't want to spend my hard earned money on someone else's idea of a nice vacation.

Right, and like I said, that's fine. But their feelings in response to that decision are legitimate too.

I disagree. If it were really that important to the bride and her mother, they'd have the wedding somewhere more accessible. Instead, the bride chose a location that makes it awfully hard for the OP and her family to participate. Which is more important: the destination, or having her sister's family there? If the former, don't get angry when the OP says she can't bring her family. If the latter, have it somewhere easier for the OP (and probably lots of other potential guests) to make it.

I don't disagree that it was inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it stinks but I'd say that all four should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post just points out how out of hand weddings have become. This attitude that the bride's special day needs to be honored and accommodated no mater how unreasonable is sick.

My guess is that sisters wedding will be a long drawn out affair and op has no idea what other undisclosed expectations she is going to run into if she and her family go.

I don't understand how so many people support these outrageous expectations. Do you all work in the bridal industry?

I swear there are some entitled ex brides who are here trying to justify the crazy sh%t they expected their guests to deal with.

When did destination weddings become a thing? That is some straight up bs expecting the entire family to be there.

I don't think it has a lot to do with the bride. I know I've been very disappointed when family members didn't include kids at weddings (way before I had kids) and I've also been extremely disappointed when people did not show up to family weddings or did not bring the whole family. I treasure times when we can all be together as one giant family, and since that generally happens most often for weddings and wakes, and weddings are more fun (usually) it means a lot to me when people make the effort to come. I'm talking weddings that aren't mine. They're for all of us as a family, not just the bride.

OP, I think your mom and sister are reasonable to be disappointed, and I also think it is reasonable for you to decline to bring your kids. But I think it s a real slap in the face not to bring your DH. And given that you say the cost is twice what it would have cost to fly to her hometown, an you would have done that anyway, I would hope that you would stretch yourself and make the effort. As you said, you flew cross-country for a death with the kids. Isn't it worth it to fly to one of a family's great celebrations in life?

To be clear, I think your sister planned badly if the kids are important to her. (And she sounds like a good aunt within the realities of her personality...I have aunts who never once sent me gifts for anything but I developed deep relationships with them when I was older and I am super-close to them as adults. Your girls' relationship with your sister is for a lifetime, not just hike they are little kids, so thy may yet grow much closer someday.) I think a destination wedding is a real challenge and not ideal unless you're willing to pay for the people you want there. So you "win" in my book in terms if who is right and wrong. But I'd still bring the kids. I don't think you'll ever regret it.

You spend a lot of energy being "very disappointed" about reasonable decisions that other people make that are not about you at all. You do not sound like a joy to be around. If I had a family member who acted "disappointed" that I didn't bring my kids somewhere (even to a wedding that was not hers!) it would significantly decrease my desire to see that person.

[Anonymous]

OP, please realize there are many many posters on this forum who have disposable incomes where 2k is not a big deal.
It seems like that is not the case for you, so take the advice to go with the entire family with a grain of salt.
Check out the real estate or money forum to get an idea, it can be eye opening!