What to do about sister's destination wedding

[Anonymous]

So if the kids don't accompany you, does that mean your husband won't also, because he'll be home babysitting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to hold a destination wedding when you are young and invited a bunch of young people without kids, or older people without young kids. But to have one when you have immediately family members with young kids who YOU KNOW are going to go no matter what, that's just selfish and ridiculous. Even if they still wanted to do a destination wedding, there are plenty of nice places in this country with shorter flights and/or can just drive it.

"But it's our special day." BS. Get out of it and think about others for a second. How can you enjoy yourself at your wedding knowing that some of your guests resent you for holding it there. They are out financially, out vacation time, and can be stressed over the hassle like you will.

Unfortunately, I think you will have to suck it up and just go with the kids, but I feel for you. Destination weddings need to stop.

Doormat!

[Anonymous]

If you can afford to do the trip with your husband and children, I would do so. But I would skip gifts in favor of something sentimental (and cheap) like a framed photo or matted version of their wedding invitation.

If the costs are just too high (and the logistics too much, which I totally understand), then RSVP for one (or two if you can find childcare).

I'm getting married next month in a different city (domestic) and not everyone on our guest list is able to attend, including my fiancé's brother-in-law and two teenagers (just his sister is attending). Even though they have known our wedding date and location for 1.5 years, in the end they decided that they could not pay. We will miss them, but certainly do not want anyone going into debt over plane tickets and hotel. For us, anywhere we would have a wedding would make it a destination wedding because our family and friends live all over; there are no more than 2 people on our guest list living in any one location, so we picked a fun, easy city to get to where you can travel and stay in hotels that are quite inexpensive. Sure, I will miss the people who cannot attend, but if you have a wedding that people have to travel to, you have to realize not everyone will be able (or interested) in traveling to attend. I am sure your sister knows this, but it may be a harder pill to swallow because you guys are immediate family (vs. a distant cousin or old childhood friend).

[Anonymous]

does that mean your husband won't also, because he'll be home babysitting?

Yes, likely so, unless we can get a friend to agree to watch the girls. Which is possible, but not definite.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring them. At age 6, some are ok to travel and some are not. And it will cost way more then $2,000, vacations always cost a lot more then just the plane tickets. You could make it a mini getaway with your husband, if you have someone to watch the kids at home. To me, destination wedding = some close relatives might not be able to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who has a destination wedding better be prepared to be gracious about any regrets sent.

Now if money isn't the issue, then the twins may have a better time than you expect they will so I wouldn't reject the idea solely because you think they can't deal with the travel. But if it's a financial strain, don't think twice about going alone.

+1. I didn't have a "destination wedding" per se but it was in another state and I wasn't bothered one bit that a lot of my closest friends couldn't attend due to financial restraints. It's the cost you pay for not having a hometown wedding. Sister needs to get over it!

[Anonymous]

You already lost this one..... Either you are going to go alone, and face resentment for not taking your kids, or you'll take your kids and you'll be mad at yourself.

Just face the fact that your sibling is a wannabe Kardashian and forget about it.

[Anonymous]

My BIL had a destination wedding as well during peak season. We also have 4 yo twins and a 6 yo (at the time). The trip would have cost us $3500 in airfare alone. DH sent in RSVP for one. We got moans and groans but no one offered to help foot the bill or help watch all three kids should we all have attended the five-day-long wedding extravaganza. Never gave it another thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If your sister didn't consult you about location and price before booking I think it's really inconsiderate and presumptuous of her. At the very least she should offer to pay for the kids

No, she didn't consult me, but I would feel strange if she paid for the kids - she doesn't earn much money, though her fiance does. I would feel strange for him to pay for my kids to attend, because even though he's nice, I just don't know him that well.

I write that you quoted above. I totally understand the strangeness, but here's the thing: you are at a crossroads here. You are either going to be closer to your sister's new family or more distant from your sister's new family after this wedding. If she treasures your nieces and it is important to her for them to be there, she is saying she wants you all to be closer to her and her new husband. He will be their uncle. It is their money together now. If my now-DH wanted me to pay for one of his family members to be at our wedding, I wouldn't have hesitated. This guy is going to be your brother in law. He might be delighted for the chance to bring the kids along.

(I am assuming good intentions on your sister and mom's parts - that they love the children and want them there so the whole family can celebrate together, not that they primarily care about surface things like having the kids as cute trophies in pics. I'm assuming lots of good intentions on all your parts. If your sister is just a shallow, self-centered Bridezilla who cares only about appearances, or someone who treats you poorly in general, feel free to disregard.)

I don't know if this is your only sister or how big your family is, but personally I would hate for my child to miss out on the experience of the wedding of a close family member. My only sibling is married, as are my DH's siblings, and getting to go to the wedding of your mom's sister is pretty special. They will be forever a part of her new family's history. I remember looking at my mom's wedding album and seeing my much-older cousins at their wedding as little kids all dressed up, and it was so cool. I was jealous I couldn't have been there too. When they visit now in their 50's, they love to see them selves in my parents' framed wedding photo. (My oldest cousin has an 8 year old granddaughter who loves to see her Pop in his bow tie in the pic.)

This is what family history is made of. Again, I think your sister should have planned better and been more generous. But I'd consider at least telling your mom you would bring the girls if it weren't so expensive, and seeing if they take the hint. And if not I would still take them if you can do so without incurring debt. It's your sister.

[Anonymous]

(Sorry about all the typos above. I'm typing on a phone and terrible about noticing autocorrect problems!)

[Anonymous]

If your sister is just a shallow, self-centered Bridezilla who cares only about appearances, or someone who treats you poorly in general, feel free to disregard.)

She's not shallow or someone who care only about appearances. She is a bit self centered, but out of thoughtlessness, not maliciousness. I don't feel that she treats me poorly, and we get along, but aren't close, if that makes sense. She doesn't really go out of her way to keep in close touch, and has reacted kind of tepidly to my attempts to do so (takes weeks to respond to phone calls and emails, but always does in the end). She's definitely perfectly nice to my girls (sends them presents for their birthdays and Christmas) but isn't someone who loves being around kids, so has limited patience with them in person. Maybe that's part of my issue.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes my mom and sister have a hard time understanding how family events affect me differently cost wise. For example, they rented a beach house for this summer which is driving distance for everyone in the family but us. We would require cross country flights and a car rental which make it very expensive, even if we don't have to pay for the house rental. My sister would never be able to afford to fly her family across the country for that but she doesn't understand if I say the flights are too expensive.
I've learned (and am still learning) to let it go. They don't get to decide what works for me and my family. Sometimes I think their plans don't make sense or annoy me but I don't mention it because it's not my decision to make.
I would do what works for you and your immediate family. Your mother and sister can deal with it how they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If your sister is just a shallow, self-centered Bridezilla who cares only about appearances, or someone who treats you poorly in general, feel free to disregard.)

She's not shallow or someone who care only about appearances. She is a bit self centered, but out of thoughtlessness, not maliciousness. I don't feel that she treats me poorly, and we get along, but aren't close, if that makes sense. She doesn't really go out of her way to keep in close touch, and has reacted kind of tepidly to my attempts to do so (takes weeks to respond to phone calls and emails, but always does in the end). She's definitely perfectly nice to my girls (sends them presents for their birthdays and Christmas) but isn't someone who loves being around kids, so has limited patience with them in person. Maybe that's part of my issue.

Well, there is your answer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If your sister is just a shallow, self-centered Bridezilla who cares only about appearances, or someone who treats you poorly in general, feel free to disregard.)

She's not shallow or someone who care only about appearances. She is a bit self centered, but out of thoughtlessness, not maliciousness. I don't feel that she treats me poorly, and we get along, but aren't close, if that makes sense. She doesn't really go out of her way to keep in close touch, and has reacted kind of tepidly to my attempts to do so (takes weeks to respond to phone calls and emails, but always does in the end). She's definitely perfectly nice to my girls (sends them presents for their birthdays and Christmas) but isn't someone who loves being around kids, so has limited patience with them in person. Maybe that's part of my issue.

Look, I'm in agreement with all the folks that say RSVP for 1. Fortunately, I think you can spin this in a way that should limit the amount of resentment.
I think you should say that you really want to "be there" as sister for the bride: help her out, hang out with her, etc. Tell her that you want to be able to focus on her and her special day, and that if the kids come, they'll probably be cranky (due to travel times, disruption of routine, etc.)

BEFORE you have this conversation with your sister, you need to have a conversation with your mother. You need to try to get her seeing things from your perspective. You said she "expected" you to bring the whole family, and was "upset" when you said they couldn't all come. Where is that coming from? What's the history there. Do you think you could lay out all the very good, solid reasons against this plan (finances, age of kids, logistics, etc.) and make it clear this has nothing to do with lack of love for sister, but just the present circumstances don't allow for it? I'm hoping you have a mother that can see reason, and just temporarily got caught up in mother-of-the bride stuff.

Finally, if you make it clear to mother and sister that financial burden is a reason, and the offer is made for the fiance to pay for it, I think you should take them up on it, and not feel uncomfortable about it in the least. You say he can afford it, and he is marrying into this family. The kids are going to be his niece/nephew, so it's perfectly appropriate for him to pay for this. MANY people who choose to do a destination wedding pay for relatives or special friends to come, because they realize they want the destination AND the people, so they factor that cost into their overall wedding budget.

[Anonymous]

I would bring them. Family is important to me, and it would be important to me that my children attend my sister's wedding. It is absolutely worth the expense. Plus, I think at that age, kids are not terrible to travel with. If you had younger kids, I might question it.

But, if you don't want to take them, RSVP for one. They might be a little upset. I know my family would be. But it's your decision in the end.