So I contacted my husband's Mistress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was he emotionally abusive? Maybe that will make a difference.

It won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was he emotionally abusive? Maybe that will make a difference.

He is controlling, and he hates women. He looks down on them. He didn't want me looking nice or going to the gym. He would pick fights with me all the time and if I argued back he would use that as a reason to cheat.

He has a fetish for morbidly obese women. I posted an ad on cl in our area and sure enough he responded. He is a sex addict with a sick fetish. He even admitted his sick fetish to our therapist.

[Anonymous]

What a bunch of bulllshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

wish we could all just stay on topic. I need tips on getting full custody of my child. His mistress was ruthless when we spoke. He was planning on getting her pregnant. He told her they were going to live together. She seemed perfectly ok with getting pregnant by a married man.

OP, you've been given the best tips, which is to drop the fantasy that you'll get full custody because your husband cheated on you and is generally a scumbag. the best thing you can do right now is get an advantageous divorce agreement that spells out child support, custody, etc. It doesn't matter if he was planning on banging 33 girls a night--he is not an unfit parent and he wants to be involved in his child's life and he will be, so you best get used to the idea and work it out to your best advantage.

And if you care about the well being of your child, which I assume you do, the very very very best thing you can do (and perhaps the hardest) is to figure out how to peacefully co-parent with your ex. I have seen the product of a child whose parents divorced young and could never drop the anger and it has devastated this child in numerous ways. You need to realize that your marriage is over, that you need to find a way to deal with your anger and pain in therapy and not in an unrewarding and nasty custody battle that will cost you endless $$ and not end up getting you what you want and poison your co-parenting relationship.

I can understand the feelings of betrayal and anger, but you cannot choose to cut your ex out of his child's life. You had the choice to procreate with him or not, but what's done is done. Move on and get your revenge by living well.

OP, I agree with others that you will not get full custody, but "joint" custody has a wide variation. It can be a exact 50/50 split of time or it can be a primary home (i.e. custodial parent) with 1 night a week and every other weekend to the non-custodial parent. If what you are looking for is to maximize the time you can get with your child and maximize the number of nights you have with your kid, then I would do the following -- document all time spent btwn now and the divorce/custody negotiations begin. Who is at home when for how long every day with the child? Who buys food? Buys clothes? Makes doctor's appointments and takes to the doctor? Takes the child to daycare or school? Talks to teachers? Document all of it. Get a calendar and write it down. Print out emails and texts that relate to making or changing childcare btwn the 2 of you. What has been the pattern in the past should be maintained -- that is in the "best interests" of the child and that is all the law cares about.

Even if you are the primary caretaker, you will NOT get full custody. Your ex and whatever girl of the moment will have some time with the child. You may find that your ex, over time, approaches you on "his days" and says he has other plans. Take the child without complaint. You may find over time that he actually cedes more time to you like this than you were given under the order. Or, you might get lucky, and he might be consistent about visitation and form a strong bond with your child. There is no way to tell now.

I agree with you, that a man who has an long term affair is a shitty dad. Good fathers don't do things that break up the family and force their kids to live in 2 family homes. It sucks that he is a selfish parent, but you don't have any control of that, and you will never change it. The court doesn't care about who is a "good" parent. They only care if a parent is an actively "bad" parent, i.e., that physical or sexual abuse or, perhaps, serious neglect (like leaving a kid alone) has happened. Focus on getting as much time as you can with your child and being the best parent you can when you are with them. Don't criticize the other parent. Your child will see mother and father's actions growing up, and your child will clearly see what kind of parent each of you are. If your ex is as selfish as you say he is, your kids will experience heartbreak with him and there is nothing you can do to protect them from it. Think now how you are going to handle that in a healthy way -- you don't want to demonize him, but you also don't want to normalize crappy treatment because then your kids will accept it from other people.

[Anonymous]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could all just stay on topic. I need tips on getting full custody of my child. His mistress was ruthless when we spoke. He was planning on getting her pregnant. He told her they were going to live together. She seemed perfectly ok with getting pregnant by a married man.

You aren't going to get full custody. You are angry right now and that is to be expected. Take care of yourself and your child right now. In 6 months, the woman could be gone from his life.

[Anonymous]

I don't think adultery can be used against anyone these days like it used to.

It basically is a non-issue in a divorce court of law.

So sorry you had to go through this w/him, but I wish you all the best in your fresh new life w/your new baby.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with you, that a man who has an long term affair is a shitty dad. Good fathers don't do things that break up the family and force their kids to live in 2 family homes. It sucks that he is a selfish parent, but you don't have any control of that, and you will never change it. The court doesn't care about who is a "good" parent. They only care if a parent is an actively "bad" parent, i.e., that physical or sexual abuse or, perhaps, serious neglect (like leaving a kid alone) has happened. Focus on getting as much time as you can with your child and being the best parent you can when you are with them. Don't criticize the other parent. Your child will see mother and father's actions growing up, and your child will clearly see what kind of parent each of you are. If your ex is as selfish as you say he is, your kids will experience heartbreak with him and there is nothing you can do to protect them from it. Think now how you are going to handle that in a healthy way -- you don't want to demonize him, but you also don't want to normalize crappy treatment because then your kids will accept it from other people.

A man who has an affair - whether long-term or not - is a shitty husband.

Shitty husbands sometimes are good dads. Great husband are sometimes not so great as fathers.

[Anonymous]

This is Op I get what you guys are saying, but isnt Va a fault state?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was he emotionally abusive? Maybe that will make a difference.

He is controlling, and he hates women. He looks down on them. He didn't want me looking nice or going to the gym. He would pick fights with me all the time and if I argued back he would use that as a reason to cheat.

He has a fetish for morbidly obese women. I posted an ad on cl in our area and sure enough he responded. He is a sex addict with a sick fetish. He even admitted his sick fetish to our therapist.

So anyone who is attracted to fat women is sick? Or only your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was he emotionally abusive? Maybe that will make a difference.

He is controlling, and he hates women. He looks down on them. He didn't want me looking nice or going to the gym. He would pick fights with me all the time and if I argued back he would use that as a reason to cheat.

He has a fetish for morbidly obese women. I posted an ad on cl in our area and sure enough he responded. He is a sex addict with a sick fetish. He even admitted his sick fetish to our therapist.

So anyone who is attracted to fat women is sick? Or only your husband?

Not just fat women he seeks out ssbbws. Women 3-500 lbs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, PP (8:55) the post you're referring to was my first in this thread. The OP is having no trouble carrying the nasty all by herself.

Looking for advice on how to screw with custody and visitation for a BABY over an affair is vindictive and b*tchy beyond comprehension to me. Keeping a child from a parent over a grudge is not acceptable by any stretch.

I'm not an OW, but maybe you have experience as you seem to know so much about my life. I'm an aunt to a niece born out of exactly this kind of situation. My brother wasn't having an affair, but the relationship was failing and all the sudden GF was pregnant. He should have kept it in his pants, agreed, but as I stated before - who really thinks that a woman will get pregnant ON PURPOSE? Now niece is sadly used as a pawn for control and it's really a sad situation because brother is an excellent father but must jump through flaming hoops daily to keep his ex "allowing" him to see his daughter.

Well this certainly explains your posts. Your experience is coloring your reaction to this post which is unfair to OP. Calm down and take a few deep breaths. This is not about your brother and there has been nothing OP has posted so far that supports your assumptions about her motivations.

NP. PP you actually sound like you have a vindictive agenda on this topic. Perhaps your husband cheated on you and you acted like a scornful wife and thus is encouraging OP to act as you. This is not about you. This is about an innocent child. As a former child who was used as a pawn, I can tell you that it sucks. I also resented my mother for a long time because she kept my father from being a father to me out of spite. Shit happens. It's about the kid. If OP's STBX turns out to be a shitty patent, the kid will eventually figure it out on his own without the help. Of OP

[Anonymous]

Troll alert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was he emotionally abusive? Maybe that will make a difference.

He is controlling, and he hates women. He looks down on them. He didn't want me looking nice or going to the gym. He would pick fights with me all the time and if I argued back he would use that as a reason to cheat.

He has a fetish for morbidly obese women. I posted an ad on cl in our area and sure enough he responded. He is a sex addict with a sick fetish. He even admitted his sick fetish to our therapist.

So anyone who is attracted to fat women is sick? Or only your husband?

Not just fat women he seeks out ssbbws. Women 3-500 lbs

How much do you weigh?

[Anonymous]

I am not thin, but I am not his fetish.