Would you be upset with your husband over this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a bitch but yes you should feel bad for holding out. Your husband has needs and he will probably go elsewhere if you don't put out, grandma.

Then he is a loser and someone else can have him.

You live in a dream world if you think holding out on sex is fair to your partner. I really can't blame someone for cheating unless there is a medical issue going on. Some women just assume their spouse will love them and be loyal no matter what and focus their attention instead on shopping, children, home decorating, etc. instead of their husbands. It's true to a certain extent but human beings have needs. We have friends for non-sexual relationships.

And you live in a dream world if you think the other spouse will be happy constantly having to give in to their spouse on this issue. Why are the needs of the high-libido partner more important? There are two sides to this issue yet you seem to only recognize the validity of one.

Because it's assumed the high libido in question will lead him/her to meet their needs elsewhere. If the low libido person wants to stay married, they need to put out.

If you're really worried about this then clearly you married the wrong person. Sorry you ended up with a cheater.

Leaving isn't always about cheating. It is leaving because you have a spouse who rejects you, hurts you and doesn't care about your happiness, satisfaction or needs. It about feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected, unappreciated and insignificant. It is about knowing that your relationship (the marriage) and what is important in a marriage to you is not worth the other person's time, energy, or attention. It is those issues - sometimes related to sex, sometimes related to other areas that lead to the person leaving. People who have sexless marriages or where one spouse is a refuser aren't people in great marriages. Most people who cheat don't say they had a fantastic marriage where they were appreciated, and respected and there was just not enough sex.

When my husband pressures or guilts me into doing something I don't want to do, he is demonstrates over and over again that he puts his own needs above mine. He doesn't care about me, he just wants to use my body for his own physical pleasure. It's incredibly selfish. How is that a demonstration of love or respect and how does it improve our marriage?

No offense, but the issues in your marriage are not about sex. They are MUCH deeper than that. Besides that, the bolded part shows that you and your DH have a very unhealthy perspective about sex generally.

Not at all. Anyone who pressures their spouse into having sex, full well knowing that he or she isn't into it, isn't performing an act of love. It's an act of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

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Because it's assumed the high libido in question will lead him/her to meet their needs elsewhere. If the low libido person wants to stay married, they need to put out.

If you're really worried about this then clearly you married the wrong person. Sorry you ended up with a cheater.

Leaving isn't always about cheating. It is leaving because you have a spouse who rejects you, hurts you and doesn't care about your happiness, satisfaction or needs. It about feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected, unappreciated and insignificant. It is about knowing that your relationship (the marriage) and what is important in a marriage to you is not worth the other person's time, energy, or attention. It is those issues - sometimes related to sex, sometimes related to other areas that lead to the person leaving. People who have sexless marriages or where one spouse is a refuser aren't people in great marriages. Most people who cheat don't say they had a fantastic marriage where they were appreciated, and respected and there was just not enough sex.

When my husband pressures or guilts me into doing something I don't want to do, he is demonstrates over and over again that he puts his own needs above mine. He doesn't care about me, he just wants to use my body for his own physical pleasure. It's incredibly selfish. How is that a demonstration of love or respect and how does it improve our marriage?

No offense, but the issues in your marriage are not about sex. They are MUCH deeper than that. Besides that, the bolded part shows that you and your DH have a very unhealthy perspective about sex generally.

Not at all. Anyone who pressures their spouse into having sex, full well knowing that he or she isn't into it, isn't performing an act of love. It's an act of selfishness.
It's also an act of selfishness to withhold sex. What part of "to have and to hold" don't you understand? Marriages are meant to be intimate. If it's not, then you are just roommates.
I'm not saying spouses must have sex whenever one of them wants it. But to never or rarely have it when on spouse wants Otis just as selfish as the one always wanting it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Because it's assumed the high libido in question will lead him/her to meet their needs elsewhere. If the low libido person wants to stay married, they need to put out.

If you're really worried about this then clearly you married the wrong person. Sorry you ended up with a cheater.

Leaving isn't always about cheating. It is leaving because you have a spouse who rejects you, hurts you and doesn't care about your happiness, satisfaction or needs. It about feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected, unappreciated and insignificant. It is about knowing that your relationship (the marriage) and what is important in a marriage to you is not worth the other person's time, energy, or attention. It is those issues - sometimes related to sex, sometimes related to other areas that lead to the person leaving. People who have sexless marriages or where one spouse is a refuser aren't people in great marriages. Most people who cheat don't say they had a fantastic marriage where they were appreciated, and respected and there was just not enough sex.

When my husband pressures or guilts me into doing something I don't want to do, he is demonstrating over and over again that he puts his own needs above mine. He doesn't care about me, he just wants to use my body for his own physical pleasure. It's incredibly selfish. How is that a demonstration of love or respect and how does it improve our marriage?

No offense, but the issues in your marriage are not about sex. They are MUCH deeper than that. Besides that, the bolded part shows that you and your DH have a very unhealthy perspective about sex generally.

Not at all. Anyone who pressures their spouse into having sex, full well knowing that he or she isn't into it, isn't performing an act of love. It's an act of selfishness.

It's also an act of selfishness to withhold sex. What part of "to have and to hold" don't you understand? Marriages are meant to be intimate. If it's not, then you are just roommates.

I'm not saying spouses must have sex whenever one of them wants it. But to never or rarely have it when on spouse wants Otis just as selfish as the one always wanting it.

Now, you're finally starting to see the point. It's just as selfish for the high-desire partner to expect that his or her needs will always be met as it is for a low desire partner to constantly withhold. So why should the low-desire partner always be the one to acquiesce? The spouse with the stronger drive has just as much responsibility to make accommodations and his or her failure to do so has repercussions that are just as serious for the health of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a bitch but yes you should feel bad for holding out. Your husband has needs and he will probably go elsewhere if you don't put out, grandma.

Then he is a loser and someone else can have him.

You live in a dream world if you think holding out on sex is fair to your partner. I really can't blame someone for cheating unless there is a medical issue going on. Some women just assume their spouse will love them and be loyal no matter what and focus their attention instead on shopping, children, home decorating, etc. instead of their husbands. It's true to a certain extent but human beings have needs. We have friends for non-sexual relationships.

And you live in a dream world if you think the other spouse will be happy constantly having to give in to their spouse on this issue. Why are the needs of the high-libido partner more important? There are two sides to this issue yet you seem to only recognize the validity of one.

If it's that horrible having sex with your spouse you need to divorce.

First of all, it isn't horrible, we just don't agree on frequency. Second of all, I actually believe there's more to a good marriage than just sex.

If your husband's low libido bothers you that much buy a vibrator. Problem solved.

So your husband's problem with your lack of frequency is to take care of himself? Is that what you tell him to do?

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure MANY pps have been saying there should be a compromise somewhere in the middle so that both partners are making "sacrifices" (for lack of a better word). High libido spouse has to be happy getting it less than desired and low libido spouse has to be happy having sex more than desired. It isn't one or the other. It is a compromise. I don't know why this is so hard for some people to understand. I don't think anyone said the low libido spouse has to have sex every time the high libido spouse wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because it's assumed the high libido in question will lead him/her to meet their needs elsewhere. If the low libido person wants to stay married, they need to put out.

If you're really worried about this then clearly you married the wrong person. Sorry you ended up with a cheater.

Leaving isn't always about cheating. It is leaving because you have a spouse who rejects you, hurts you and doesn't care about your happiness, satisfaction or needs. It about feeling unloved, unwanted, disrespected, unappreciated and insignificant. It is about knowing that your relationship (the marriage) and what is important in a marriage to you is not worth the other person's time, energy, or attention. It is those issues - sometimes related to sex, sometimes related to other areas that lead to the person leaving. People who have sexless marriages or where one spouse is a refuser aren't people in great marriages. Most people who cheat don't say they had a fantastic marriage where they were appreciated, and respected and there was just not enough sex.

When my husband pressures or guilts me into doing something I don't want to do, he is demonstrating over and over again that he puts his own needs above mine. He doesn't care about me, he just wants to use my body for his own physical pleasure. It's incredibly selfish. How is that a demonstration of love or respect and how does it improve our marriage?

No offense, but the issues in your marriage are not about sex. They are MUCH deeper than that. Besides that, the bolded part shows that you and your DH have a very unhealthy perspective about sex generally.

Not at all. Anyone who pressures their spouse into having sex, full well knowing that he or she isn't into it, isn't performing an act of love. It's an act of selfishness.

It's also an act of selfishness to withhold sex. What part of "to have and to hold" don't you understand? Marriages are meant to be intimate. If it's not, then you are just roommates.

I'm not saying spouses must have sex whenever one of them wants it. But to never or rarely have it when on spouse wants Otis just as selfish as the one always wanting it.

Now, you're finally starting to see the point. It's just as selfish for the high-desire partner to expect that his or her needs will always be met as it is for a low desire partner to constantly withhold. So why should the low-desire partner always be the one to acquiesce? The spouse with the stronger drive has just as much responsibility to make accommodations and his or her failure to do so has repercussions that are just as serious for the health of the marriage.

The higher drive spouses are already making many accommodations because they have no other option. It isn't the low-desire spouse who always has to acquiesce. If the higher drive spouse acquiesces every time they want sex but it doesn't happen and the lower drive spouse acquiesces when they do have sex then it is going to be the higher drive spouse acquiescing and accommodating the vast majority of the time.

[Anonymous]

Blah blah blah. Most women I know spouting the crap I'm seeing here are only having sex with their husbands once every 6 months. I'm sure the majority of you are making gross exaggerations of your husband's "high" labido. Selfish old brudes that'll cry to all their friends when they find out he's getting it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Uhhh folks....it is a good thing for spouses to want to have sex with each other!! At least the person desires you and wants to have needs met inside the marrage. My goodness!! YOu don't want to fuck your DH and you dont want anyone else to fuck him either. That will work out great! LOL

Female here. After over 15 years of working on ways to mutually have our needs addressed (I was the high libido spouse, xH feel pressured because I wanted sex more than once a week), we separated. I simply wasn't able to continue to be monogamous, from age 42 until one of us died, with someone for whom sex is a pleasant 20 minutes, in one of two positions, per week. He now has a nice girlfriend who I'm sure is thrilled not to have to put out much. And although I miss him and our partnership sometimes, I'm deliriously happy to be free sexually. There really are people out there who like sex more than once or twice a week. If you're not married, hold out until you find someone who is well matched with you.

For many once or twice a week would be a dream come true! Many people are dealing with spouses who only want sex very, very infrequently and who otherwise reject intimacy with their spouse on a regular basis.

This is where I sound bitchy, but I make more money than my spouse, run the household, do more than half of the kid raising. I'm a pretty good catch. He can certainly put out at least twice a week to keep me, and all this good stuff, in his life.

AHA, this is what I mean, you think spouse should put out TO KEEP YOU.
This is what those insecure women do, I have seen it many times. They fuck so their man sticks around.

Yes, I think my H should satisfy me sexually so he can keep my income and my services as chauffeur, cook, maid, financial manager, housekeeper.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure MANY pps have been saying there should be a compromise somewhere in the middle so that both partners are making "sacrifices" (for lack of a better word). High libido spouse has to be happy getting it less than desired and low libido spouse has to be happy having sex more than desired. It isn't one or the other. It is a compromise. I don't know why this is so hard for some people to understand. I don't think anyone said the low libido spouse has to have sex every time the high libido spouse wants it.

Actually, multiple PPs have suggested that high-libido spouses whose needs aren't fully met are justified in cheating or leaving outright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what a bitch! She knew what she was doing. I would NEVER speak to her again. Why have friends like that? She sucks. Your husband is an ass too. But 19 yrs, you can forgive him. Sex is a two way street. Maybe he is not helping you want more sex. My DH sits on his ass waiting for me to finish the laundry, cooking and cleaning and expects me to be willing and able. He would get much more sex if he helped out. I don't know your story but don't blame your self 100%.

Research shows that helping out more around the house leads to less sex not more. This is a line that women use as an excuse to not have sex. Whether or not he should do more is a separate issue from whether or not you should have having more sex.

And it doesn't help if the person who wants sex more does more around the house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, some of you people sound really insecure. You feel personally rejected if your spouse won't have sex with you twice a week? Perhaps you need to work on improving your self-esteem.

+1000

Or maybe they just like to have sex with their spouses! Gee whiz!

I *like* ice cream but I wouldn't divorce my spouse if he refused to buy it for me twice a week.

Sex is a primal, biological need. For some of us, ice cream is not even a want. Capiche?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh folks....it is a good thing for spouses to want to have sex with each other!! At least the person desires you and wants to have needs met inside the marrage. My goodness!! YOu don't want to fuck your DH and you dont want anyone else to fuck him either. That will work out great! LOL

Female here. After over 15 years of working on ways to mutually have our needs addressed (I was the high libido spouse, xH feel pressured because I wanted sex more than once a week), we separated. I simply wasn't able to continue to be monogamous, from age 42 until one of us died, with someone for whom sex is a pleasant 20 minutes, in one of two positions, per week. He now has a nice girlfriend who I'm sure is thrilled not to have to put out much. And although I miss him and our partnership sometimes, I'm deliriously happy to be free sexually. There really are people out there who like sex more than once or twice a week. If you're not married, hold out until you find someone who is well matched with you.

For many once or twice a week would be a dream come true! Many people are dealing with spouses who only want sex very, very infrequently and who otherwise reject intimacy with their spouse on a regular basis.

This is where I sound bitchy, but I make more money than my spouse, run the household, do more than half of the kid raising. I'm a pretty good catch. He can certainly put out at least twice a week to keep me, and all this good stuff, in his life.

AHA, this is what I mean, you think spouse should put out TO KEEP YOU.
This is what those insecure women do, I have seen it many times. They fuck so their man sticks around.

Yes, I think my H should satisfy me sexually so he can keep my income and my services as chauffeur, cook, maid, financial manager, housekeeper.....

You are mental.

[Anonymous]

"When my husband pressures or guilts me into doing something I don't want to do, he is demonstrates over and over again that he puts his own needs above mine. He doesn't care about me, he just wants to use my body for his own physical pleasure. It's incredibly selfish. How is that a demonstration of love or respect and how does it improve our marriage?"

Your need not to have sex is as great as his need to have regular sex? You are okay if he masturbates regularly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blah blah blah. Most women I know spouting the crap I'm seeing here are only having sex with their husbands once every 6 months. I'm sure the majority of you are making gross exaggerations of your husband's "high" labido. Selfish old brudes that'll cry to all their friends when they find out he's getting it elsewhere.

Are you a man it a woman? Just out of curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure MANY pps have been saying there should be a compromise somewhere in the middle so that both partners are making "sacrifices" (for lack of a better word). High libido spouse has to be happy getting it less than desired and low libido spouse has to be happy having sex more than desired. It isn't one or the other. It is a compromise. I don't know why this is so hard for some people to understand. I don't think anyone said the low libido spouse has to have sex every time the high libido spouse wants it.

I agree. That is what most people are saying. The outliers are the 's/he shouldn't expect sex as a part of a marriage' (those are likely the refusers talking), and the s/he has a right to cheat (those are the cheaters talking). Everyone else is saying that sex is a normal healthy expectation in a marriage and that both parties need to find a balance between needs, wants and desires. Demanding or refusing leads to problems.