Shoe, Cars, Purses, and Country Clubs Why Are These Status Symbols So Important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

In my all my years that I have been in private school, I have never had anyone say to me, people of means or not, inside or outside of our private school, my kids are in elite independents. Private school, yes. Big Three yes. Elite Independents, no.

Maybe PP was trying to avoid "big 3" which even to my ears can doubt a bit snotty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

In my all my years that I have been in private school, I have never had anyone say to me, people of means or not, inside or outside of our private school, my kids are in elite independents. Private school, yes. Big Three yes. Elite Independents, no.

Busted.

Totally busted. And add just the name of the school to that list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

It does have a ring of truth to it, regardless. The bolded in particular: I have felt that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on DCUM way too much and I don't see a lot of discussion or disagreements about the items you specify in your post. Instead, I see a lot of obsession with politics, schools, child rearing styles and real estate.

If I may say, it seems like your frustrations aren't the result of interactions on DCUM but, rather, real life experiences.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So let's be clear. Your kids are in private school, but you are asserting that public school moms are more status conscious. Even though a. there are no FARMS kids in private school by definition and at most 2-3 full scholarship kids, and b. you have no, you know, direct experience in public schools. Your conclusions are drawn from c. your observation that rich people live in wealthy neighborhoods and know their neighbors there while poorer people live in poor neighborhoods, and d. a few women at your law firm carry LV bags.

I call BS.

*snort*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

In my all my years that I have been in private school, I have never had anyone say to me, people of means or not, inside or outside of our private school, my kids are in elite independents. Private school, yes. Big Three yes. Elite Independents, no.

Busted.

Totally busted. And add just the name of the school to that list.

It rings very true to me, too. Some of seem to be reacting defensively, but re-read her post and it's actually quite fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

It does have a ring of truth to it, regardless. The bolded in particular: I have felt that.

Sure, sometimes people may feel like an outsider to so-called 'elite' groups but did PP feel like an outsider when she wasn't invited to a function or group that are similar to her own background? Would she call that social exclusion also but is that different because they are on the same "economic" level?

Sorry, not buying it but hey, that's just me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are an average upper middle class family (HHI 150k) with kids in elite independents for many years. Over those years I learned that you cannot judge someone by their possessions or their money. I made friends with some very wealthy women who were just lovely and down to earth -- also met some women who were shallow, petty and status conscious. It just all depends. You never know until you take some time to get to know people better. Then you see what they are truly made of.

I will say that on occasion I felt left out because I didn't belong to the Junior League, sit on the board of the museum or hospital, belong to the country club, or go skiing in Aspen or Stowe over Christmas break. In these subtle ways I did sometimes feel like an outsider, even though I had many friends at the school who were very kind to me. To be honest, it was sort of a relief to move our kids to public school and no longer have to face that sort of social exclusion.

In my all my years that I have been in private school, I have never had anyone say to me, people of means or not, inside or outside of our private school, my kids are in elite independents. Private school, yes. Big Three yes. Elite Independents, no.

Maybe PP was trying to avoid "big 3" which even to my ears can doubt a bit snotty?

Big Three may sound snotty (it is) but it sounds a helluva lot better than elite independents. I wouldn't even think about talking to a group of people telling them my kids go to elite independents. How snotty does that sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER take my child out of a good school because I am not in or invited into a particular social group. At school, I choose my own friends and not the other way around. I like people who share my interests. I call them friends. I call the others acquaintances.

Also, I am full tuition pay, single mom, $130k a year. My full tuition check spends the same as a check from someone of significant means. At the bank, the two are not placed next to each other and assessed which one is better.

That's the way it works with most people as people generally gravitate to those who share their interests or life experiences. One of my very close friends who I met at school and is considerably wealthy was not on my radar for three years until we found out through casual conversation that we grew up in the same mid-sized town and had many of the same activities and friends. Somehow, we had never crossed paths and were of the same socioeconomic background. We have bonded through that mutual experience and had nothing to do with money.

Maybe if the previous poster would seek out common interests, if there are any, she wouldn't feel so threatened or intimidated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER take my child out of a good school because I am not in or invited into a particular social group. At school, I choose my own friends and not the other way around. I like people who share my interests. I call them friends. I call the others acquaintances.

Also, I am full tuition pay, single mom, $130k a year. My full tuition check spends the same as a check from someone of significant means. At the bank, the two are not placed next to each other and assessed which one is better.

That's the way it works with most people as people generally gravitate to those who share their interests or life experiences. One of my very close friends who I met at school and is considerably wealthy was not on my radar for three years until we found out through casual conversation that we grew up in the same mid-sized town and had many of the same activities and friends. Somehow, we had never crossed paths and were of the same socioeconomic background. We have bonded through that mutual experience and had nothing to do with money.

Maybe if the previous poster would seek out common interests, if there are any, she wouldn't feel so threatened or intimidated.

Just curious, PP (nosey actually). What in the casual conversation got you to that point of familiarity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Philadelphia, went to an old line private school, and now send my two kids to what people down here call big 3 schools. All I can say about this thread is : the bigger the bag, the more expensive the bag - the smaller the brain.

It may sound overly simplistic, but I think it's a solid connection. Think about the people you know. And the big expensive bag lady may have lots of cash to spend, but her world is small. Oh well...

Well it sounds like you have never been poor so perhaps have never been insecure about money and can pat yourself on the back. For many people who have grown up in homes where parents struggled with money, it takes them time when they are adults to figure out how to handle money. Also I grew up poor and went to a private college with quite a few guys from the Main Line. They were not nice people and tended to look down on people. I never understood why these guys who grew up with so many advantages in life treated other people like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER take my child out of a good school because I am not in or invited into a particular social group. At school, I choose my own friends and not the other way around. I like people who share my interests. I call them friends. I call the others acquaintances.

Also, I am full tuition pay, single mom, $130k a year. My full tuition check spends the same as a check from someone of significant means. At the bank, the two are not placed next to each other and assessed which one is better.

That's the way it works with most people as people generally gravitate to those who share their interests or life experiences. One of my very close friends who I met at school and is considerably wealthy was not on my radar for three years until we found out through casual conversation that we grew up in the same mid-sized town and had many of the same activities and friends. Somehow, we had never crossed paths and were of the same socioeconomic background. We have bonded through that mutual experience and had nothing to do with money.

Maybe if the previous poster would seek out common interests, if there are any, she wouldn't feel so threatened or intimidated.

Just curious, PP (nosey actually). What in the casual conversation got you to that point of familiarity?

No problem. Nosey can be informative! We werewaiting for a school game to end. Sometimes you just feel compelled to speak to someone sitting next to you on a bench or at least acknowledge their presence. We both did at the same time. I have what I call a soft regional accent in my pronunciation of certain words. My buddy picked up on that and asked where I was from. One thing led to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Philadelphia, went to an old line private school, and now send my two kids to what people down here call big 3 schools. All I can say about this thread is : the bigger the bag, the more expensive the bag - the smaller the brain.

It may sound overly simplistic, but I think it's a solid connection. Think about the people you know. And the big expensive bag lady may have lots of cash to spend, but her world is small. Oh well...

Well it sounds like you have never been poor so perhaps have never been insecure about money and can pat yourself on the back. For many people who have grown up in homes where parents struggled with money, it takes them time when they are adults to figure out how to handle money. Also I grew up poor and went to a private college with quite a few guys from the Main Line. They were not nice people and tended to look down on people. I never understood why these guys who grew up with so many advantages in life treated other people like crap.

Sorry you had such awful experiences. They have certainly colored your judgment about everyone with money whether justified or not. Comments like bigger, more expensive the bag, the smaller the brain. There's a lot of judgment on your end too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Philadelphia, went to an old line private school, and now send my two kids to what people down here call big 3 schools. All I can say about this thread is : the bigger the bag, the more expensive the bag - the smaller the brain.

It may sound overly simplistic, but I think it's a solid connection. Think about the people you know. And the big expensive bag lady may have lots of cash to spend, but her world is small. Oh well...

Well it sounds like you have never been poor so perhaps have never been insecure about money and can pat yourself on the back. For many people who have grown up in homes where parents struggled with money, it takes them time when they are adults to figure out how to handle money. Also I grew up poor and went to a private college with quite a few guys from the Main Line. They were not nice people and tended to look down on people. I never understood why these guys who grew up with so many advantages in life treated other people like crap.

I agree but it sounds like you still have a lot of resentment and anger. You let it get under and stays under your skin. I know many people who grew up poor and know how to manage money quite well because they were poor and appreciated the value of a dollar and how to make it work when there are so few of them.

It's time to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would NEVER take my child out of a good school because I am not in or invited into a particular social group. At school, I choose my own friends and not the other way around. I like people who share my interests. I call them friends. I call the others acquaintances.

Also, I am full tuition pay, single mom, $130k a year. My full tuition check spends the same as a check from someone of significant means. At the bank, the two are not placed next to each other and assessed which one is better.

That's the way it works with most people as people generally gravitate to those who share their interests or life experiences. One of my very close friends who I met at school and is considerably wealthy was not on my radar for three years until we found out through casual conversation that we grew up in the same mid-sized town and had many of the same activities and friends. Somehow, we had never crossed paths and were of the same socioeconomic background. We have bonded through that mutual experience and had nothing to do with money.

Maybe if the previous poster would seek out common interests, if there are any, she wouldn't feel so threatened or intimidated.

Just curious, PP (nosey actually). What in the casual conversation got you to that point of familiarity?

No problem. Nosey can be informative! We werewaiting for a school game to end. Sometimes you just feel compelled to speak to someone sitting next to you on a bench or at least acknowledge their presence. We both did at the same time. I have what I call a soft regional accent in my pronunciation of certain words. My buddy picked up on that and asked where I was from. One thing led to another.

Great story. If you both had just nodded and went about your business, she would've continued to be just another parent at your school.