Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC
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Anonymous
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Pp here who suggested, kindly, that the OP might seek professional help to work thru her anxieties about her child's size and/or birth and/or in utero issues. I extend that suggestion to the other poster who is determined to ban the word tiny from our collective vocabulary. Premie parents, no one is questioning that many of you faced tough times. But if you get offended or fall apart over statements of fact, made without malice, then you have a problem that should be dealt with thru therapy.
And just for the record, any time an adult feels the urge to sneer about an 18month simply because of the way she or he looks, you are behaving badly. In this case that was the OP. Can you imagine the wails and outrage if the OP had heard the neighbors calling her premie baby "ridiculous"?? Bad behavior isn't justified simply because you have anxieties! |
Anonymous
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1539pp, I think we have the same kids!! And yes, I get tired of the comments about their size; now that the oldest is in elementary school, I get the redshirted question a lot (less so now that it's clear he may be big, but he is neither academically nor athletically nor socially advanced!) I'm constantly having to explain that my almost 4yo is not in K, he actually won't be eligible to start for almost 2 more years. He's taller than a few first graders we know! And yes lots of eye rolls when he behaves his actual age rather than the age he's presumed to be.
But what can you do? People talk about kid size the way wetalk about the weather;it's an easy way to fill a lull in the conversation. And even though it bugs me, I don't think it gives me license to call other people's kids ridiculous simply because they may be smaller. |
Anonymous
| The pps who insist having a preemie is no big thing are piling on because they have decided that they are the judges of when a parent is justifiably sensitive and worried about their child's issues. They were not the ones who had extensive consults with their neonatologists and follow up visits with neurologists. If you need facts, oh wise ones, it's of note that 50% of kids born before 28 weeks suffer a disability, some more mine than others. Late term preemies are four times more likely to be delayed. Those odds justify worry, concen and sensitivity. |
Anonymous
| Do you people get that tiny is a normal adjective used to describe babies? They are small. Some of you are seriously projecting here. This thread is crazy even by DCUM standards. |
Anonymous
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I'm the low weight mom (not a preemie, but to give perspective, my three and a half year old boy was 25 lbs but 37 inches. Know how skinny that is? SKINNY.). In no way am I unhinged. I've never flipped out, nor indicated that I would, if someone called my kid tiny. I have never, ever nor would I ever, take my angst out about child's size on another child. I don't think one comment justified the other and said as much.
But is it really, really so hard to have a little aha moment here? Yes, 90 percent of the time, maybe more, it's going to be perfectly fine to call a baby tiny. But there are kids with genuine weight issues. Whether they were a premie, actually. My kid fell off the charts around 9 months. Went from giant to emaciated. We were TERRIFIED. And we'd get "How old? Oh, he's so tiny! I would have guessed much younger!" I am 100 percent certain that none of these posters meant a shred of harm or ill-will. They were just making conversation. But when I'm very worried about something and working HARD to keep a hopeful attitude and to try, hard as it was, not to obsess about it, it was unpleasant to have such a frequent reminder from other people who no doubt were just making conversation. Every time that happened I was made aware of his size, during a time when I was doing my best not to allow myself to become consumed with worry. Do you know what the doctors call it? Fucking failure to thrive. You hear it at EVERY doctors appointment. The doctor asks you about your supply, but don't think you can win, because if you're formula feeding, it's suggested that nursing would have been better tolerated. You try everything to put pounds on. Pediasure. Formula IN your breastmilk. Etc. Baby graduates not to whole milk but heavy cream. Butter everything. All to hope to avoid the feeding tube. What my point has been here all along is that the intent to hurt is clearly missing. That's obvious. NOBODY has said that an off hand remark gives license to be rude in return, much less to fire off insults at a child. even OP says she was in the wrong. Some of us are hoping others will gain some perspective. Stop assuming that because your remark was meant without harm, that it will be received painlessly. It would be VERY nice to be able to turn months of worry off and condition yourself not to be reminded of your painful situation when someone remarks on it. But inadvertant comments hurt feelings all the time. Nobody is saying declare war over it, nobody is saying strike the word tiny from your vocab about newborns. We're saying that if your best friend / neighbor / fellow parishoner / colleague has a preemie baby, best not to gush about how tiny it is. If you see a baby who looks much younger than his / her age, trust me, mom is probably hyper aware of it and reminding her rubs salt in a wound. NO we don't think you meant to insult us. Try hard to take yourself out of the equation for one minute. It's not about how you deliver the words or your purity of intent. It's that sometimes there are issues you aren't aware of. It's not like every baby has issues, but it's not rare, either. So please, just be mindful and considerate and when in doubt, keep your comments about size to yourself. Just say "oh, he's precious." |
Anonymous
| And also, to the people who have never been in this situation? STOP trying to minimize it or gaslight us by saying we're oversensitive. It's not the comments I'm upset about, but it's the willful refusal to learn a lesson, to just say "gee, I never thought about it that way. I can't imagine being upset by this, but now I've heard from you, so I have gained a new perspective." Instead, your like willful bulls in a china shop. And instead of learning a lesson, everyone else is broken. In need of "therapy" because they are asking for your empathy. Talk about needing to "get a grip." |
Anonymous
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http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2011/06/insensitive-remarks-preemies
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a36045616/so_annoying http://www.inspire.com/static/inspire/reports/inspire-preemie-insensitive-comment-survey-report-2011.pdf http://www.circleofmoms.com/moms-of-preemies/are-you-sick-of-ppl-calling-your-child-tiny-535845#_ Yes, all of these people - literally thousands of them - are just crazy bitches who need therapy / meds. |
Anonymous
| Lesson learned. I will never call a baby tiny again. Mea culpa. My kid was hospitalized for FTT and severe intolerance to everything. He was big at birth but steadily lost weight. Comments were mixed: some said he was so big, while others said he was so small. I never flipped out over it. I recognized that people make comments about babies and I don't analyze them or take them personally. I understand being fearful and worried....that was me a few months ago...but I didn't become unhinged by normal comments. Just bc people are stressed or have issues doesn't give them permission to behave badly. My mom has cancer, but that doesn't mean she can bitch at strangers. My former assistant's sister had a brain tumor and my asst cussed out a client bc she was "stressed" and that wasn't ok (but I let it slide and covered for her). We all have things we are dealing with, but most of us do our best to suck it up and act properly when in public. Vent if you like, but b sure to do it behind closed doors. |
Anonymous
| How was the neighbor to know that OPs baby was a preemie? They just met. |
Anonymous
Ummm, read up thread. There is a poster who said that several times. |
Anonymous
You need therapy. Before you psychologically damage your kid. Seriously. |
Anonymous
Oh, wow. You're right. 
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Anonymous
| Hypersensitive Premies mom(s), the follow ups don't help your case with me. As I posted above, no one here is suggesting you haven't dealt with tough challenges because of your child's birth and size. But does it not occur to you that most if not all parents can make similar claims? I'm the PP with two giant boys, and I've done more than my share of neurologist visits, PT, OT, speech therapy, low tone, head banging, asthma. My oldest had surgery this summer and will have another before Xmas. No one here has a monopoly on parental worries, most of them thankfully are really quite manageable. For all the OP knows, her neighbor's kid is exhibiting red flags for autism, and that worried mom got to hear her child described as ridiculous. No one should take out their angst on others. |
Anonymous
| I said a preemie baby -- one who you know is/was a preemie, as op's neighbor did -- should not be called tiny. No matter how innocently you mean it, you have to pause for or second and imagine the reception. Most of us censor ourselves somewhat in almost every conversation we have to avoid being g unnecessarily rude or hurtful. It's part of living in society. |
Anonymous
| There is no proof that the neighbor lady knew the baby was a preemie...only the husbands had met...what are the odds the dad mentioned his baby was a preemie? And what are the odds that the neighbor dad remembered that and passed it along to the neighbor wife? Having been married for 15 years to a man I can assure you that men don't recall and share such details. My dh couldn't remember the name of our neighbors new baby within a matter of moments after hearing it. Plus, there are preemies and then there are micro preemies. |