Reply to Awkward – neighbors overheard me talk about their DC

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm the low weight mom (not a preemie, but to give perspective, my three and a half year old boy was 25 lbs but 37 inches. Know how skinny that is? SKINNY.). In no way am I unhinged. I've never flipped out, nor indicated that I would, if someone called my kid tiny. I have never, ever nor would I ever, take my angst out about child's size on another child. I don't think one comment justified the other and said as much.

But is it really, really so hard to have a little aha moment here? Yes, 90 percent of the time, maybe more, it's going to be perfectly fine to call a baby tiny. But there are kids with genuine weight issues. Whether they were a premie, actually. My kid fell off the charts around 9 months. Went from giant to emaciated. We were TERRIFIED. And we'd get "How old? Oh, he's so tiny! I would have guessed much younger!" I am 100 percent certain that none of these posters meant a shred of harm or ill-will. They were just making conversation. But when I'm very worried about something and working HARD to keep a hopeful attitude and to try, hard as it was, not to obsess about it, it was unpleasant to have such a frequent reminder from other people who no doubt were just making conversation. Every time that happened I was made aware of his size, during a time when I was doing my best not to allow myself to become consumed with worry.

Do you know what the doctors call it? Fucking failure to thrive. You hear it at EVERY doctors appointment. The doctor asks you about your supply, but don't think you can win, because if you're formula feeding, it's suggested that nursing would have been better tolerated. You try everything to put pounds on. Pediasure. Formula IN your breastmilk. Etc. Baby graduates not to whole milk but heavy cream. Butter everything. All to hope to avoid the feeding tube.

What my point has been here all along is that the intent to hurt is clearly missing. That's obvious. NOBODY has said that an off hand remark gives license to be rude in return, much less to fire off insults at a child. even OP says she was in the wrong. Some of us are hoping others will gain some perspective. Stop assuming that because your remark was meant without harm, that it will be received painlessly. It would be VERY nice to be able to turn months of worry off and condition yourself not to be reminded of your painful situation when someone remarks on it. But inadvertant comments hurt feelings all the time. Nobody is saying declare war over it, nobody is saying strike the word tiny from your vocab about newborns. We're saying that if your best friend / neighbor / fellow parishoner / colleague has a preemie baby, best not to gush about how tiny it is. If you see a baby who looks much younger than his / her age, trust me, mom is probably hyper aware of it and reminding her rubs salt in a wound. NO we don't think you meant to insult us. Try hard to take yourself out of the equation for one minute. It's not about how you deliver the words or your purity of intent. It's that sometimes there are issues you aren't aware of. It's not like every baby has issues, but it's not rare, either. So please, just be mindful and considerate and when in doubt, keep your comments about size to yourself. Just say "oh, he's precious." [/quote]

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