Should I contact birth child?

[Anonymous]

If you go through and read all OP's posts it seems very evident this is all about her:

For example in the initial post she stated when her daughter reached out initially she was not ready to discuss "THAT." In all caps like its a problem she did not feel like addressing or something. The she thought she would reach out to let her BC know that SHE was "ready/ willing" to talk.

Then she posted how she knows the BC went to a weathly family should she could not feel (again) "THAT" rejected?

Then OP wrote she would invite her to view photos of her FB page?

Then as the bolded portion in post 14:04 shows, its all about her and if it is going to become a burden or not.

These are not the words of someone who sounds like they truly want to open the doors for a relationship. Maybe OP has trouble communicating but then that is even more warning for her to NOT go through FB if she communicates so poorly over the internet. I think she needs to re-evaluate her motives for why she is reaching out.

[Anonymous]

We can agree to disagree.....

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone stated or implied that OP is "the most considerate persons ever" merely because she placed her child for adoption, but neither does that make her a callous bitch

No,it absoultely doesn't, but it also doesn't mean that every thing she does going forward in her life is perfect and selfless, which seems to be what other posters are assuming. Why isn't it possible that this woman placed her child for adoption because she felt it would be the best thing for both her and the child, but isn't capable of being compassionate about how the child may feel about their interaction at this point? This is exactly how OP is coming across, but posters seem to be incapable of believing that it could be true, when we have absolutely no evidence to the contrary.

[Anonymous]

None of you people have the "right" answer. There is no "right" answer here. And some of the posts on this thread are appallingly harsh.

OP is not a bad person for giving up the child or for not wanting a relationship with her BD. This is a situation full of complexity. And the BD's wanting to know does not trump the OPs wanting not to have a relationship. It just doesn't, regardless of how you or I would feel in her shoes (or think we would know).

What I would say to you, OP, is that if you do approach her, you have then opened the proverbial can of worms. It is incumbent on you at that point to tread compassionately and openly. If you're not willing to commit, best leave well enough alone. That's just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think anyone stated or implied that OP is "the most considerate persons ever" merely because she placed her child for adoption, but neither does that make her a callous bitch

No,it absoultely doesn't, but it also doesn't mean that every thing she does going forward in her life is perfect and selfless, which seems to be what other posters are assuming. Why isn't it possible that this woman placed her child for adoption because she felt it would be the best thing for both her and the child, but isn't capable of being compassionate about how the child may feel about their interaction at this point? This is exactly how OP is coming across, but posters seem to be incapable of believing that it could be true, when we have absolutely no evidence to the contrary.

You have no evidence of anything. A few posts on an anonymous board. If that is the manner by which you judge people, you don't look so great either.

[Anonymous]

If that is the manner by which you judge people, you don't look so great either.

I'm not asking for advice or opinions. OP is. In response to her request, posters are cautioning her about how she comes across.

[Anonymous]

You have no evidence of anything. A few posts on an anonymous board. If that is the manner by which you judge people, you don't look so great either.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You have no evidence of anything. A few posts on an anonymous board. If that is the manner by which you judge people, you don't look so great either.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptee who contacted my birth mom and basically got the same reaction that you gave. After 12 years, I would love to tell her to fuck off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.

I've been thinking this as well. Possibly because women who have chosen or would choose abortion feel somehow judged or threatened by women who choose life and adoption for their babies.

The act of placing a child for adoption is ultimately an act of love. Since humans are complicated creatures, there may also be fear, or desperation, or denial, or naïveté, or a million other emotions or thoughts at work, but there still comes the moment of goodbye, And any woman who is brave enough to face that moment for the sake of giving her child the gift of life deserves deference and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with the forums, texts, emails, etc. is that it is impossible to fully understand the writer's meaning without seeing body language, voice inflection, tone, etc. I don't think that any of us can get inside OPs head and "know" with the certainty that many are suggesting that she has not concern for the thoughts of feelings of her biological daughter. "Going to college" does not necessarily equate to being an artful writer. It is quite dangerous to assume that you know someone's intent or fully understand what is going on in their mind. I have to question, whether a substantial amount of the vitriol is coming from women who are judging the OP for have made the choice to place her child for adoption because they cannot imagine having made that choice themselves. As the saying goes, "Walk a mile in her shoes....." For your daughter's sake, OP I hope you ignore all of the nasty posters and give your daughter a chance to meet you if she so choses.

I've been thinking this as well. Possibly because women who have chosen or would choose abortion feel somehow judged or threatened by women who choose life and adoption for their babies.

The act of placing a child for adoption is ultimately an act of love. Since humans are complicated creatures, there may also be fear, or desperation, or denial, or naïveté, or a million other emotions or thoughts at work, but there still comes the moment of goodbye, And any woman who is brave enough to face that moment for the sake of giving her child the gift of life deserves deference and compassion.

I have been wondering about this angle as well.

Signed,
One of the PPs/Adoptive Moms. . ..

[Anonymous]

You have no evidence of anything. A few posts on an anonymous board. If that is the manner by which you judge people, you don't look so great either.


+1

It isn't an issue of judging her. She asked for opinions. People told her that her posts seemed inconsiderate of her daughter's feelings. While I don't agree with calling her names or telling her that she's a horrible person, she asked for input based on her postings on an anonymous message board. People don't have another basis upon to provide her with the feedback she requested. You obviously disagree with the opinions, which is certainly your perogative.

[Anonymous]

I have read many of the previous posts. I will not tell you what to do but will give you an opinion because you asked for it.

I don't think you are a horrible person because you shut her down last time. Probably a good decision for you. RElationships are messy things and this one will be just that messy. Accept that and contact her with an open heart or accept you cannot and move on.

[Anonymous]

So you had "do not contact" in the adoption file, and you rebuffed her attempt to contact you because it was conflicting with your wedding preparations.
You were pretty good at hinting at why you didn't want her to contact you, but didn't make clear the reason for wanting to contact her. What changed? Why do you want to be in touch? What are you hoping for? These are honest questions, not trying to be snarky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you PP - I really don't expect any sort of relationship at all with her- I gave her up so I could go to college (while working full time) and have a career and THEN a family- which I have done so I feel satisfied that I made the right decision. She has the family that she deserves and I have the family that I have worked hard to prepare for. We live in very different parts of the country and our paths will never cross.

I suppose I have to be prepared to respond to any desires she has for meeting me or having a relationship with me, but considering the physical distance it would require a great effort..

When she contacted me previously it was during her college years/early 20s when such soul searching is typical. I suppose my expectation is to satisfy her curiosity (perhaps our mutual curiosity) and resolve any questions about what transpired, why, and health questions, of course. Thanks again for all your thoughtful responses.