When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is classic. I'm sitting here with my popcorn, and my feet up on the desk. (Clearly, I wasn't a product of "good breeding" as suggested by classy lady #1)

This is terrific entertainment. YOU have bad manners. No, YOU have bad manners. No, your manners are so bad, I bet you were raised in a barn! Oh yeah? Your manners are so bad, you must've chewed with your mouth open! Oh yeah???!! YEAH!! Well, your mother's ugly and dresses you funny!

And I love the Mom's pulling out the ultimate dig: "I hope you don't have any kids if you think ..."

That one seems to come out on every thread...

All we need now is a mud pit.

Really? This one makes me a little sad. I get the passion behind the firestorms over BF v. formula, natural birth v. technology-embracing, CIO v. AP. This seems just nasty without any real purpose.

I think it's because to some no thank you notes = no manners = downfall of civilized society = end of life as we know it? I'm not sure there's a lot of perspective going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP - I think you got some very nice and thoughtful posts on the first page or two about thank you notes. I hope they were helpful. I think the next four pages can best be categorized as a class war. What everyone is missing about this haywire thread is that the tone is now about class, not about manners. If you were raised in a home where elbows never hit the table, food was chewed with mouth closed, and silverware was used only for eating and not for pointing, then you get the concept of thank you notes (when to use and when not to use). Because good breeding is most obvious in the use of good manners, those that don't have them, or don't want to develop them, just want everyone else to forget them as well, because it makes them more comfortable.

Oh dear. This post perfectly summarises how the true purpose of good manners can be warped in the hands of snobs. You really think the way in which you use your cutlery makes you better than other people, who presumably lack your "good breeding"?

I am afraid that such statements merely betray your petit bourgeois arriviste mentality. Keep trying and in a few generations your descendents may achieve some genuine class... but no guarantees.

[Anonymous]

I dont care if it is a letter that is mailed, an email, a phone card, in person, or a post-it stuck to my forehead. I think that there needs to be some acknowledgement. I mentioned going to a party where the gifts were not opened, and I have no idea if the child liked his gift, or if it even made it home with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont care if it is a letter that is mailed, an email, a phone card, in person, or a post-it stuck to my forehead. I think that there needs to be some acknowledgement. I mentioned going to a party where the gifts were not opened, and I have no idea if the child liked his gift, or if it even made it home with him.

That should say phone call, not phone card.

[Anonymous]

OP, you raised an interesting question for me. As an expectant mom, I've been writing lots of thank you notes lately - I had a lovely baby shower and my kind out-of-town relatives sent me some beautiful gifts in the mail. In these instances, I personally feel a nice, hand-written letter is the appropriate way to thank the gift-giver.

But I've never really written thank you notes for birthday and Christmas presents (except to my grandmas who would mail me presents while I was growing up). I guess in those instances, I've been in situations where I thanked the person in-person, or there is more of an exchange going on - if I get an Xmas present from someone, I give an Xmas present to that someone. To me, the "even exchange" of presents and verbal thank yous make thank you notes seem excessive.

But I hadn't really considered the etiquette of receiving presents for a child's birthday. I must say, I recently attended a neighbor's party for their child and picked out a nice outfit and book for the kid (as the invitation specified "No toys"). Presents were not opened at the party, which I didn't mind at all. However, I have seen the neighbor several times since the party, and she has never thanked me for the gift I brought. To be honest, that does offend me and strikes me as rude. Perhaps a thank you note is the better solution in these situations, because it can be hard to remember to thank the person when you next see them, and really, people should receive a thank you of some kind when they give you a present. I don't think anyone has argued that there is NO need to thank a gift-giver, irregardless of how the thanks is delivered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll admit it. I'm "anti-thank-you note". So shoot me.

First, I think you should all get off of the eco-conscious person's back. Frankly, her approach makes a lot more sense to me than adhereing to a hundred-year-old tradition simply for the sake of it.

I wrote TYs for my wedding and showers,... because I think my mom would've shot me if I didn't. I think for those types of big events, they're pretty expected.

But for a 5 year old's birthday party? Here's my problem with that... TYs are from a bygone era where educated and well-raised women played "hostess" for their husbands. Note writing was a skill, and probably the only reason people even allowed women to become literate.

I am a firm supporter of "today's woman" -- in all her different forms. Who writes the TYs for the 5 year old's birthday? Not the 5 year old. No. Not the father. No. THE MOTHER! Who may also be busy raising 2 other kids, working part or full time, etc. Who has time? I don't. To suggest that I shouldn't hold a birthday party for my son because I don't want to spend an additional hour writing generic thank yous to a bunch of other mothers I don't know... that seems ridiculous.

Now, I'm sure some of you will lambast me for not making time for social graces and manners. let me tell you my theory on manners and life in general. I have always been taught that what matters most is what is in someone's heart. I have never faulted one of my friends for not writing a thank you. I would never fault one of my friends for not bringing a gift... because they are my FRIENDS, and I know and love them, and I know they are an appreciative and giving bunch (otherwise they wouldn't be my friends!).

I teach my children to say thank you. I teach them to hold doors. I teach them generally to try to THINK about what other people need and want. And if I knew that one of their friends would be SO HEARTBROKEN not to receive a TY, I'd tell him to write the darn thing. But TYs are different from the numerous other ways that we exhibit manners in two important ways: 1) They take TIME. Especially if they're done right. and 2) The generic TYs that are written by most (including myself) are completely meaningless to most of the recipients.

Tell me, when you receive a TY note, do you cherish it? I don't. I throw them in the trash. The rare exception being when there is a truly genuine TY about something special... and that is the time (IMO, the ONLY time) to send them.

So all of you who think I am a graceless lout for not writing my: "Dear Bobby, Thank you for the nice truck. I like to play with it. Love Andrew" --- guess what... if you'd judge me for that, or even think I was somehow better than someone who didn't do it -- I don't care what you think.

Who writes THANK YOUs? People with MANNERS!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here, just wanted to clarify I DO write TY notes, but not for things like my 5 year old's birthday gifts.

Can you explain the difference between a gift that deserves a thank you card and gift that doesn't? I'm curious.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty-I agree with a previous poster. The people that were raised with no elbows on the table, taught to say "May I please be excused", chewing food with your mouth closed-probably are the people that write thank you cards. I'm a thank you card writer-because I appreciate that someone else thought enough of me or my family to give us a gift. To all the non thank you card writers-BEWARE-I'm sure your lack of manners it talked about in your family, with your friends and neighbors. And don't think they're not talking-just not to your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all honesty-I agree with a previous poster. The people that were raised with no elbows on the table, taught to say "May I please be excused", chewing food with your mouth closed-probably are the people that write thank you cards. I'm a thank you card writer-because I appreciate that someone else thought enough of me or my family to give us a gift. To all the non thank you card writers-BEWARE-I'm sure your lack of manners it talked about in your family, with your friends and neighbors. And don't think they're not talking-just not to your face.

I was raised this way, but I don't write thank-you cards. I am sure I am talked about behind my back, for this as for many other reasons. Certainly by my family, possibly by my neighbors, but not, I am sure, by my friends. But judging by your email, might people not be talking about your judgmental prissiness behind your back? BEWARE!

[Anonymous]

There's nothing like getting a handwritten thank you note. I must admit that my thank you note etiquette has been uneven, but I've been on both ends--both giving and receiving those notes--and think it can only reflect well on those who send them.

It's a lovely habit. More people should practice. My understanding is that written "formal" notes are sometimes falling to the wayside, losing to email and phonecalls, but I still think there's nothing like getting a grateful handwritten note to make you feel important, and appreciated.

Lord knows more people could stand to feel appreciated--and that the best way to get that feeling is to show that feeling to others.

[Anonymous]

Thought has always gone into a gift. It is thoughtful to respond with a thank you card. I like to acknowledge Christmas gifts before New Year. I might make an exception if the gift was given personally, rather than being rec'd in the mail. It generally requires less effort to send a card, than it took to send a gift. So why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I use her book as a guide. "

I" wonder how many men, especially sucessful ones or those in positions of power read these books? There was another book on how to find a husband in a year that was very populat a few years back too. Scary."

"There are books and courses on business ettiquette and both of those books include business chapters."

You really think the Forbes 500 CEOs are reading the business chapters in Emily Post and Amy Vanderbuilt?

Don't know if they are reading these books...but they probably write thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You really think the Forbes 500 CEOs are reading the business chapters in Emily Post and Amy Vanderbuilt?

Don't know if they are reading these books...but they probably write thank you notes.

They get their PA to write them. So again it is a woman that actually does the work.

[Anonymous]

"I have no idea if the child liked his gift"...how would TY really tell you this?

Not to pick on this poster who was fine with any type of acknowledgement. I agree you should acknowledge the gift but it does not need to be a snail mail card.

Question..do TYs ever answer the question whether the child liked the gift? Does anyone write TY with a thanks for the effort but we promptly returned, gave away or threw out your gift because it was ......tacky, plastic crap, poorly made, junior put his sister eye out and we ended up in the ER all night, age inappropriate, or received the same one from every other parent..Target must have had a deal.

[Anonymous]

My question is "When did it become fashionable to send "thank you" cards for kids birthday party gifts?"

Probably at the same time hyper-parenting started in this area.

I grew up in this area and no one ever did this when I was young and I am sure we would have thought it odd to get a thank you note for a gift that we were thanked in person for.

I have better things to worry about then whether some 4 year old liked the $20 gift I bought them. In fact, I include the gift receipt so they can return it if they want. Once I give the gift, its their problem and they can do whatever they want with it.