What would be the minimum frequency of sex to stay in your relationship / marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine setting a minimal frequency and I can't imagine a sexless marriage either until health issues the over. We've been married 34 years and we have sex once a week or so and more when we are on vacation and we are really relaxing. PIV has become more painful but I've really mastered my oral and other skills so my husband never complains. Thankfully I usually O so we are both happy.

My DH was very disappointed when I told them that PIV was painful for me. I too have gotten really skilled at alternatives that early in our relationship I thought were verboten. I was a goody two shoes Catholic girl who has definitely seen the light.

The nuns at my Catholic high school would damn me for my current behavior. Sex was for procreation and the missionary position. I'm done with procreation and the missionary position is just one of many! Given how few nuns there are today they must have seen the light.

You must be 80 plus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

^Edit: I would much rather have a chronically ill wife who couldn't but would love to, than a smoking hot wife who could but won't.

It’s like people who look at an autistic person and don’t realize they have a disability, but look at a person in a wheelchair and say they do.

You actually need outward physical manifestations of some illness to prove that there’s something going on inside a woman’s body that makes them not have sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

You know hopefully that you still need to behave in a way that will make her want to sleep with you in that moment. Do you do that? Every time? Or is there a schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s reassuring to see so many happy sexless marriages.

I'm glad, I think people should talk about it more. There are lots of marriages where both people's drive declines and sex just tapers off and no one is mad about it.

I'm the person who upthread said we haven't had sex since 2024. It had been tapering off a lot prior to that. But I also want to note we are still very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. We talked every day, we give back rubs and hugs, we kiss multiple times a day, we talk about deep stuff about hour families, our kids, our careers, and our mental health. We care for each other in other ways (making favorite meals for one another, letting each other sleep in when we have had a rough week, little gifts, etc.). We are very, very important to each other and he's definitely my biggest emotional support right now in life and I his.

We also haven't closed the door on sex. It's just not a priority for either of us right now. We've had other stuff going on. In the evenings, I'd say our biggest priority at the moment is sleep.

Fascinating. We have the relational intimacy (conversations, deep talks, favorite meals, etc.) But we rarely hug, kiss, or give massages outside of foreplay for sex which happens frequently. To me, those things are interrelated. If my husband rubs my back while I’m making dinner, I know definitively he would like to have sex that night.

That's sounds depressing to me. So unless you are having sex that day, there's no physical touching or affection at all? Do you have sex daily or almost daily? Because if it's just once or twice a week, that's so many days without physical affection.

Most of our physical affection is totally separate from our sex life. We hug each other throughout the day as a form of comfort or support. For instance this week we had an issue with our DC that I handled but it was incredibly draining and emotional -- there were lots of hugs over that because DH knew I was going through it. We also kids in the morning and in the evening pretty much every day and these rarely lead to sex. The morning kisses never do. We give back and foot rubs at the end of the day when we're on the couch talking stuff through. This could lead to sex but often doesn't.

I don't think I could have sex more frequently than we do, but I'd be devastated if that meant no physical affection on the days we don't have sex. I feel about physical affection the way some posters on here feel about sex -- it's an essential part of daily life in a relationship, and without it we're just roommates or coworkers.

NP. I have a friend in a happy marriage that has been sexless for at least a decade—her choice. She told me that one of the great things about it is that she knows her DH is being sincerely affectionate when he rubs her back, gives her a hug, or wants to snuggle on the couch. I do envy that. DH and I still have sex twice a week in our fifties, which we both enjoy, but I hate knowing that hugs, etc. virtually always are a signal of his intentions for the evening.

Be careful what you wish for. Your friend’s husband may be having an affair. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

Who said anything about her not wanting it there? If she can’t find a mental path to wanting to have sex regularly because she knows the relationship will die if she doesn’t, then, like you said, she should abstain and accept that the relationship ending is the consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But PP, YOU agreed to that, knowing full well that you were putting yourself into a disadvantaged position. Now you don't like the consequence, which is that you're easily disposable and replaceable.

It is so funny to me that you are acting as though most men 20 years into a marriage can take or leave their wives based entirely on whether their sexual expectations are met.

Do you people at this stage in their marriage? They are generally quite dependent on each other but the men, especially, are dependent on their wives just to make their lives functional. Especially with kids in the mix. The idea that most women are "disposable and replaceable" at that stage is laughable. It's why most divorces are initiated by women -- they tend to be more independent and have fewer of their needs met by their husbands, making divorce a less frightening prospect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

[Anonymous]

We currently do 1x per week. WE both matsterbate outside of sex as sometimes i just want something quick and honestly it is more efficient for me to do it when i want. I am typically more horney int eh afternoon, he in the morning but our schedules really only allow for night sex so here we are.
i would be fine with less sex and more masterbating honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

Unless your marriage vows included regular sex in perpetuity, it's not the job.

In fact it's not a job at all, it's a commitment. If the circumstances change enough that one or both people are miserable, maybe get divorced. But lots of marriages get to the point where sex is rare or even non-existent and they choose to stay married. Also surveys indicate that money issues and communication problems are the leading causes of divorce, not lack of sex. If you have great communication and no money issues, you probably won't throw out the marriage just because you don't get as much sex as you want. You might try to negotiate an open marriage but tbh most people are too lazy for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

Unless your marriage vows included regular sex in perpetuity, it's not the job.

In fact it's not a job at all, it's a commitment. If the circumstances change enough that one or both people are miserable, maybe get divorced. But lots of marriages get to the point where sex is rare or even non-existent and they choose to stay married. Also surveys indicate that money issues and communication problems are the leading causes of divorce, not lack of sex. If you have great communication and no money issues, you probably won't throw out the marriage just because you don't get as much sex as you want. You might try to negotiate an open marriage but tbh most people are too lazy for that.

Sex is part of the marriage vows. If sex is not important to the marriage, then why can’t the partner who wants more sex just sleep around at will? Why do they need permission or an “open marriage?” You can’t say sex is not important but infidelity is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

Willing to throw away a lifetime relationship for sex?

Is she willing to throw away a lifetime relationship to maintain no sex?

Cuts both ways.

Having sex with a woman who doesn’t want to is disgusting. It doesn’t cut both ways. You’re sticking your body part into somebody who doesn’t want it there.

But that's the job! So all these people are "quiet quitting" their marriages...

The “job” if there ever was one, is to procreate and continue the species. The other aspects of sex are side bonuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many lady posts on here about how the relationship is about SO much more than just sex.

So here's a post from a middle-aged man: a few times a week or it's over. I don't go around saying that, and don't need to. We've talked about it. She knows where I stand. She has her own list of things that's important. I have my list and it's very short, but nonnegotiable.

It would be her decision at this point. I'm not talking about health problems. If she was in radiation therapy or chemo and couldn't, I would be a perfect gentleman about that, be by her side till the end.

I'm talking willingness, not necessarily ability.

I could see if you had a relationship like James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal in ‘Secretary’ that this could be kind of hot.