Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've just been given a a gift, the gift of insight re: these few. Continue to fine-tune your radar on which personalities around you are a match. You'll start to recognize higher quality individuals, better matches for you. Start with one-on-one friendships. Build from there.

+1 to this advice. You can’t control what others do, you can only control your own behaviors. If the people who are flaking are not in some sort of crisis, use their actions to help you determine your choices in the future. Work on growing strong friendships with the people who are willing and able to engage. Those who flake at the last minute—especially if they do it more than once and/or have truly legit reasons (eg elderly parentheses just admitted to hospital), are telling you that you are not worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

People also don’t bother to RSVP - I sent out so many invitations for my Christmas party and fewer than half RSVP’d. It’s so unbelievably rude.

I had our youngest son’s birthday party over the weekend and had 7 people RSVP yes the day before the party. The morning of I got a text from an anticipated guest that they would not be attending (due to sleeping in).

People suck at time management but more than that, we apparently have ZERO sense of duty to one another, or even the sense that we need to be reliable and communicative. Pretty pathetic in my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People also don’t bother to RSVP - I sent out so many invitations for my Christmas party and fewer than half RSVP’d. It’s so unbelievably rude.

I had our youngest son’s birthday party over the weekend and had 7 people RSVP yes the day before the party. The morning of I got a text from an anticipated guest that they would not be attending (due to sleeping in).

People suck at time management but more than that, we apparently have ZERO sense of duty to one another, or even the sense that we need to be reliable and communicative. Pretty pathetic in my view.

I disable the rsvp to prevent late yeses. Doesn’t stop the flaking obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

So, what are YOU initiating? once the worst of the (whatever) has passed?

A. We aren’t talking about people who have cancer diagnoses or whose parents died or whose kids are in the hospital. That’s different. They don’t “flake.” We’re talking about people who just say the day of “sorry, can’t make it!”

B. For them, they need to RSVP more wisely. Don’t say you can come if you know your “mental health” won’t let you attend. Don’t say you can come without looking at your calendar and checking your other plans. If you say you’ll come, actually make an effort to come - don’t bail when you commit to other stuff later or because you woke up tired or had a bad hair day.

It isn’t that hard to be a person who follows through. It really isn’t.

I think it is hard, sometimes, at the time, to make yourself go. But it's an effort worth making. Following through on commitments is important. It's basic courtesy and indicates conscientiousness and integrity.

I think lately more people have been avoiding things that feel hard.

They do, and guess what’s also bad for your mental health: having no follow-through or ability to fulfill commitments. Research shows that fulfilling obligations is a tremendous mental health and self esteem booster because it creates trust in yourself. You know that you’ll do what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

So, what are YOU initiating? once the worst of the (whatever) has passed?

A. We aren’t talking about people who have cancer diagnoses or whose parents died or whose kids are in the hospital. That’s different. They don’t “flake.” We’re talking about people who just say the day of “sorry, can’t make it!”

B. For them, they need to RSVP more wisely. Don’t say you can come if you know your “mental health” won’t let you attend. Don’t say you can come without looking at your calendar and checking your other plans. If you say you’ll come, actually make an effort to come - don’t bail when you commit to other stuff later or because you woke up tired or had a bad hair day.

It isn’t that hard to be a person who follows through. It really isn’t.

I think it is hard, sometimes, at the time, to make yourself go. But it's an effort worth making. Following through on commitments is important. It's basic courtesy and indicates conscientiousness and integrity.

I think lately more people have been avoiding things that feel hard.

They do, and guess what’s also bad for your mental health: having no follow-through or ability to fulfill commitments. Research shows that fulfilling obligations is a tremendous mental health and self esteem booster because it creates trust in yourself. You know that you’ll do what you say.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Repeatedly trying to orbit people who perpetually blow you off is deeply creepy. Take a freaking hint.

Put another way: A guy repeatedly asks out a gal. Over and over and over she’s “nice” to his face but then flakes. You’d all tell the guy to stop being so weird, creepy and stalkerish because the gal is CLEARLY not interested in him. That’s literally what you’re all doing repeatedly trying to befriend and orbit people who don’t give a s*** about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeatedly trying to orbit people who perpetually blow you off is deeply creepy. Take a freaking hint.

Put another way: A guy repeatedly asks out a gal. Over and over and over she’s “nice” to his face but then flakes. You’d all tell the guy to stop being so weird, creepy and stalkerish because the gal is CLEARLY not interested in him. That’s literally what you’re all doing repeatedly trying to befriend and orbit people who don’t give a s*** about you.

No one is doing this. Most people on here say they stop inviting people who don't show. And then are accused of being insensitive to others' mental health or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Repeatedly trying to orbit people who perpetually blow you off is deeply creepy. Take a freaking hint.

Put another way: A guy repeatedly asks out a gal. Over and over and over she’s “nice” to his face but then flakes. You’d all tell the guy to stop being so weird, creepy and stalkerish because the gal is CLEARLY not interested in him. That’s literally what you’re all doing repeatedly trying to befriend and orbit people who don’t give a s*** about you.

No one is doing this. Most people on here say they stop inviting people who don't show. And then are accused of being insensitive to others' mental health or whatever.

This. They say nobody understands the crisis they are experiencing. It's not "but you are beneath me dahling...." Pick a lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a you problem. People are busy and it can also take a while to meet your people.

And, unfortunately, I do think lots of people RSVP yes to give themselves options - and likely because they think their future self will really want to go. And then the future arrives and they aren’t as ambitious as they thought. People are just notoriously bad at making good decisions for their future self. (It’s the same reason so many people can’t save money for their future self.) Combine poor decision making with modern society’s overly hectic schedule and increased focus on self and it’s a perfect storm that explains why this happens more now. I don’t actually think it’s anything personal about you. But agree it’s sort of a sad statement about the state of society. I think many people have adjusted by simply hosting less, which leads to fewer events and more loneliness. Hence the loneliness crisis. But don’t make matters worse by blaming yourself for any of these societal trends.

Agree. I think a lot of people don't view an RSVP as a firm commitment. They RSVP yes to give themselves the option to go, but if something better comes along or if they just don't feel like it, they flake.

[Anonymous]

It’s really embarrassing to host a small get together and then have 4 of the 6 people flake a few hours before. This just happened to me, and it made me feel like such a loser. I had beautiful food prepared, had already straightened up, and then had to explain to my 2 guests that it was just us with a giant amount of food. Incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

People are self-centered and socially inept. I hate how mental health is used as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really embarrassing to host a small get together and then have 4 of the 6 people flake a few hours before. This just happened to me, and it made me feel like such a loser. I had beautiful food prepared, had already straightened up, and then had to explain to my 2 guests that it was just us with a giant amount of food. Incredibly rude.

And some people here want you to feel that way because you dared to try to enter the orbit of those 4 much more important people. That's how cruel and dysfunctional people are these days.

[Anonymous]

I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

[Anonymous]

Decline in manners. Decline in etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted mlevel she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

They want to be thought of and included but don’t actually have any consideration for others. I had mom friends like that when my kids were little too, I eventually just stopped hanging out with them.