Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner.

https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/

(1) The burden of proof is on the one making the claim
(2) You have obviously read zero of the references at the end of your linked report (so stop pretending you have an informed position)
(3) The linked article is a list of stressors and struggles for military children - it is NOT a study demonstrating HARM to children who move

The people telling OP she is going to irreparably damage her daughter are, in fact, implying that MOVING is a type of abuse. Stop gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids this year—boys, senior and sophomore. This has been our senior’s happiest year. Our sophomore had a lonely start, but turned it around after the holidays by figuring out the right activities to join and he’s probably now as happy as he was previously and I think next year will be even better for him.

So, it does work out sometimes.

Did you move out of the country where your kids will have to speak a language other than English and grapple with a completely different culture, or within the US? Moving within the country is a lot less traumatizing than having to move out of the country.

Well—we moved from the NE to TX, so basically another country. lol

But, yes overseas would be much harder. Really though, I think the biggest problem for OP’s daughter will be the lack of family support. I’m actually nice to my kids and I think that goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner.

https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/

(1) The burden of proof is on the one making the claim
(2) You have obviously read zero of the references at the end of your linked report (so stop pretending you have an informed position)
(3) The linked article is a list of stressors and struggles for military children - it is NOT a study demonstrating HARM to children who move

The people telling OP she is going to irreparably damage her daughter are, in fact, implying that MOVING is a type of abuse. Stop gaslighting.

+1. And this is one of the strangest threads in recent memory.

[Anonymous]

It's going to be a totally different teen experience for her. Since you are from there you must know this. So it's like she's kicking and screaming through mourning what she thought would be her life. Her feelings are very valid. I would not minimize her loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner.

https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/

(1) The burden of proof is on the one making the claim
(2) You have obviously read zero of the references at the end of your linked report (so stop pretending you have an informed position)
(3) The linked article is a list of stressors and struggles for military children - it is NOT a study demonstrating HARM to children who move

The people telling OP she is going to irreparably damage her daughter are, in fact, implying that MOVING is a type of abuse. Stop gaslighting.

I don’t think anybody said moving is abuse. They said moving at this can be really difficult and have tremendous impact and OP’s dismissive attitude toward her daughter’s fears and concerns is more harmful than the move itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner.

https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/

(1) The burden of proof is on the one making the claim
(2) You have obviously read zero of the references at the end of your linked report (so stop pretending you have an informed position)
(3) The linked article is a list of stressors and struggles for military children - it is NOT a study demonstrating HARM to children who move

The people telling OP she is going to irreparably damage her daughter are, in fact, implying that MOVING is a type of abuse. Stop gaslighting.

I don’t think anybody said moving is abuse. They said moving at this can be really difficult and have tremendous impact and OP’s dismissive attitude toward her daughter’s fears and concerns is more harmful than the move itself.

+1, it’s not the move, it’s the parent’s attitude

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

NP. I don't have links either but I moved around as a kid and it was absolutely extremely extremely hard. One of my siblings basically never recovered from one of the moves (in high school).

Sorry for your sibling’s lack of resilience, but this anecdotal response is utterly irrelevant to the PP’s claim that there are TONS of STUDIES that prove HARM.

You sound totally psycho just so you know

And you sound like you’re talking out of your @$$ trying to make OP feel bad about her life choices for some weird reason.

Op should feel bad about her life choices! Her daughter is understandably upset and op seems to have zero empathy for her.

I totally get that this move is important to op and could indeed be the best choice for the family, but it’s horrible that she as a mother (I’m assuming op is the mom, did I miss that confirmation?) thinks her dd should just get over it.

This absolutely changes the trajectory of the DD’s life and the path she thought she was on. It could turn out great, it could turn out awful. But you can’t pretend it’s not disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development.

Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children?

Please provide links.

Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner.

https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/

(1) The burden of proof is on the one making the claim
(2) You have obviously read zero of the references at the end of your linked report (so stop pretending you have an informed position)
(3) The linked article is a list of stressors and struggles for military children - it is NOT a study demonstrating HARM to children who move

The people telling OP she is going to irreparably damage her daughter are, in fact, implying that MOVING is a type of abuse. Stop gaslighting.

I don’t think anybody said moving is abuse. They said moving at this can be really difficult and have tremendous impact and OP’s dismissive attitude toward her daughter’s fears and concerns is more harmful than the move itself.

It's this. If OP had framed it as "I really feel for my DD that this will be a challenging move and I know we're asking a lot of her, how can I navigate this," she would have gotten vastly different advice. But OP's appears to be merely annoyed that her teenage daughter didn't immediately jump on bored and resent having to work with her to facilitate and better experience.

You always wind up wondering why people like this had kids in the first place. The shock they seem to experience when their kids turn into people with their own preferences, feelings, and agendas. It's really frustrating to watch because it seems so obvious to the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Based on personal experience, relocation during this stage of development can be highly disruptive. In my case, the move was compulsory and had a negative impact, contributing to behavioural difficulties. While other factors were present, the move itself was a significant contributing factor. Where possible, it may be preferable to delay relocation until schooling is complete

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I mean you seem to have decided it wasn't a big deal when you took a job, now all signs are pointing to the fact that this actually is a Big Deal, and instead of caring about your daughter you're affronted that she's not just going along with your promotion and having a reaction.

I wouldn't take it as a given that your son is actually indifferent. It's just as likely that he recognizes that his parents dgaf about their kids' feelings and actually punish them for expressing them, so he's just keeping his head down. Moving to a new country is not a nonevent, even for a 7th grade boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I mean you seem to have decided it wasn't a big deal when you took a job, now all signs are pointing to the fact that this actually is a Big Deal, and instead of caring about your daughter you're affronted that she's not just going along with your promotion and having a reaction.

I wouldn't take it as a given that your son is actually indifferent. It's just as likely that he recognizes that his parents dgaf about their kids' feelings and actually punish them for expressing them, so he's just keeping his head down. Moving to a new country is not a nonevent, even for a 7th grade boy.

You’re totes right, girl. OP should base all of her life decisions on whether or not her teen is going to throw a temper tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Oof Spain is basically a developing nation...good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I mean you seem to have decided it wasn't a big deal when you took a job, now all signs are pointing to the fact that this actually is a Big Deal, and instead of caring about your daughter you're affronted that she's not just going along with your promotion and having a reaction.

I wouldn't take it as a given that your son is actually indifferent. It's just as likely that he recognizes that his parents dgaf about their kids' feelings and actually punish them for expressing them, so he's just keeping his head down. Moving to a new country is not a nonevent, even for a 7th grade boy.

You’re totes right, girl. OP should base all of her life decisions on whether or not her teen is going to throw a temper tantrum.

When teens throw temper tantrums, it's a parenting failure. That doesn't mean you should base all life decision around what will cause a temper tantrum. It means you've made a mistake in parenting that a major life decision in the family results in a temper tantrum instead of calm communication.

[Anonymous]

My family moved several times while I grew up. Going into 9th grade from Minnesota to s. Florida was the worst. Completely different level of academics (high to low) plus my MN accent made me a target. I’m not exaggerating when I say it affected the rest of my life.

If you don’t have to move, don’t change their lives so drastically.

[Anonymous]

It is a trauma event. Don’t be so sure that it won’t also be harming your son. He may act like he doesn’t care but some kids hide and can’t process their emotions.

If this is a lark because you’ve watched House Hunters International and want to be an expat, just wait until your son graduates. If this is your only job opportunity and it’s the only way to keep your family clothes and fed then get both kids therapy stat.

Therapy will help them process their pain, let them be heard and give them tools to manage. I’d recommend CBT rather than talk therapy. Find someone who will do it remotely so you can keep it up if needed when you move. Good luck!