Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

Did you put an agreement in place before you decided he stays in house until kid goes to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Cool.

Next time instead of them spending it all down, they can give it away to another family with adult kids your age. And be even more cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Bette question is what did each parent do day in and out to raise you?

Some fathers prefer to hide at work too much and pretend it’s to “provide.” So his kids never have a real father figure, just paycheck dad or inheritance dad. He wants his legacy to be money not real relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Some dads taught them to provide for their future family by working? If he isn’t out playing then that is a lesson we all need to learn.

Bette question is what did each parent do day in and out to raise you?

Some fathers prefer to hide at work too much and pretend it’s to “provide.” So his kids never have a real father figure, just paycheck dad or inheritance dad. He wants his legacy to be money not real relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Bette question is what did each parent do day in and out to raise you?

Some fathers prefer to hide at work too much and pretend it’s to “provide.” So his kids never have a real father figure, just paycheck dad or inheritance dad. He wants his legacy to be money not real relationships.

You assume a lot of selfish intent of fathers that work hard outside the home to allow their wife to do the hard work in the home. I view it as - Some dads taught them to provide for their future family by working? If he isn’t out playing then that is a lesson we all need to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

What did the gold digging last wife do to inherit 50% of premarital assets earned during someone’s lifetime? What step kids did to inherit it rather than biological kids?
Most people want THEIR legacy to continue not some strange…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Bette question is what did each parent do day in and out to raise you?

Some fathers prefer to hide at work too much and pretend it’s to “provide.” So his kids never have a real father figure, just paycheck dad or inheritance dad. He wants his legacy to be money not real relationships.

You assume a lot of selfish intent of fathers that work hard outside the home to allow their wife to do the hard work in the home. I view it as - Some dads taught them to provide for their future family by working? If he isn’t out playing then that is a lesson we all need to learn.

Exactly - Trad wife power!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

Some dads taught them to provide for their future family by working? If he isn’t out playing then that is a lesson we all need to learn.

Bette question is what did each parent do day in and out to raise you?

Some fathers prefer to hide at work too much and pretend it’s to “provide.” So his kids never have a real father figure, just paycheck dad or inheritance dad. He wants his legacy to be money not real relationships.

Working is table stakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

What did the gold digging last wife do to inherit 50% of premarital assets earned during someone’s lifetime? What step kids did to inherit it rather than biological kids?
Most people want THEIR legacy to continue not some strange…

Sounds like you had a personal situation where your expectations were not met. I just believe it is THEIR decision what THEY want their “legacy to be. If married, it is a decision for the couple, greed and entitlement are disgusting traits on ALL people, not just absent fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

What did the gold digging last wife do to inherit 50% of premarital assets earned during someone’s lifetime? What step kids did to inherit it rather than biological kids?
Most people want THEIR legacy to continue not some strange…

Sounds like you had a personal situation where your expectations were not met. I just believe it is THEIR decision what THEY want their “legacy to be. If married, it is a decision for the couple, greed and entitlement are disgusting traits on ALL people, not just absent fathers.

Couple decision? The wife is not the only relative particular later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

What did the gold digging last wife do to inherit 50% of premarital assets earned during someone’s lifetime? What step kids did to inherit it rather than biological kids?
Most people want THEIR legacy to continue not some strange…

Sounds like you had a personal situation where your expectations were not met. I just believe it is THEIR decision what THEY want their “legacy to be. If married, it is a decision for the couple, greed and entitlement are disgusting traits on ALL people, not just absent fathers.

Couple decision? The wife is not the only relative particular later in life.

They built a life, created a family and have earned the right to do what they desire with the assets THEY sacrificed to accumulate. They can give it all to their kids and live broke, they can donate it all to an animal shelter if they want. The kids are NOT entitled to anything.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard. My parents divorced when I was young. And then have each since divorced another two times…

Second, third, etc marriages often don’t work out. I actually did like one of the sets of step parents. Then it was all the divorce pain all over again with those divorces. Holidays are a dumpster fire and I pretty much have zero interest in seeing either parent at this point.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is divorced (I am in my late 30s) and also had parents divorce when I was a teenager...

-there is no "better" time. It's HOW you divorce that matters. The transition will be difficult, awkward and stressful for all parties no matter what to some degree. But life goes on. It's vital you have your ducks in order financially
-you cannot hide from your kids no matter how little you actually fight in front of them. They are just playing dumb if you think they can't sense anything. My siblings and I always knew, we just rarely confronted them. At one point, I asked my mom why she wouldn't just leave him. If my kid ever asked me that point-blank, my heart would break. After they actually divorced, there was so much relief. We didn't care that we had to move to a much smaller house, and fortunately, that was the only major change as my school didn't change.
-as a divorced woman now who is obviously not dealing with the "gray" divorce, I am in a relationship but I will not marry again. To each their own, and falling in love again is exciting, but it's easy for anyone to get carried away. Growing up, had my mom very actively pursued a relationship, that would have been harder for me than the divorce.

You need to be central to your life, not marriage.

Good luck to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

What did the kids do to earn it that money? My parents spent every penny and I don’t feel slighted at all. They deserved to enjoy some of their life without sacrificing for us kids.

What did the gold digging last wife do to inherit 50% of premarital assets earned during someone’s lifetime? What step kids did to inherit it rather than biological kids?
Most people want THEIR legacy to continue not some strange…

Sounds like you had a personal situation where your expectations were not met. I just believe it is THEIR decision what THEY want their “legacy to be. If married, it is a decision for the couple, greed and entitlement are disgusting traits on ALL people, not just absent fathers.

Couple decision? The wife is not the only relative particular later in life.

They built a life, created a family and have earned the right to do what they desire with the assets THEY sacrificed to accumulate. They can give it all to their kids and live broke, they can donate it all to an animal shelter if they want. The kids are NOT entitled to anything.

Let’s not pretend here and create a parallel reality. Most retirees with valuable assets are simply walking financial targets for complete strangers who want to take advantage of an aging person. Decision making is clouded when in sexual relationship.
I don’t believe it’s the greed that makes children upset when the new (often short term) spouse inherits everything. Nobody wants their aging parent to be taken advantage of