Step kiddo is a total Failure to Launch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let my 27 year old child move back home let alone a 27 year old STEP child. Stop shaming OP.

This. 27 is too old for any adult child to move home. It's probably the beginning or continuation of a long-term codependency.

I think it depends on the circumstances. A generally responsible, hard-working kid who got caught up in a layoff, is burning through their emergency savings, and is having a tough time in this economy? Absolutely, I’d be a safety net as they keep job searching. A kid who finds themself in a bad marriage and needs a place to land while assets are split and they save for a new place to live? Yep, again, I’d be here with open arms. Wanting to live at home for a year or two to save up for an downpayment? Sounds great to me. Or, a devastating medical diagnosis like cancer would have me welcoming them back.

A grown adult who thinks they are going to play video games all day, not help around the house, and not need to find a job will need a loving “no.”

We have no idea what the real story is about OP’s stepchild. But if they’re a gamer who doesn’t want to get a job, then I don’t blame her for not wanting an endless roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let my 27 year old child move back home let alone a 27 year old STEP child. Stop shaming OP.

This. 27 is too old for any adult child to move home. It's probably the beginning or continuation of a long-term codependency.

I think it depends on the circumstances. A generally responsible, hard-working kid who got caught up in a layoff, is burning through their emergency savings, and is having a tough time in this economy? Absolutely, I’d be a safety net as they keep job searching. A kid who finds themself in a bad marriage and needs a place to land while assets are split and they save for a new place to live? Yep, again, I’d be here with open arms. Wanting to live at home for a year or two to save up for an downpayment? Sounds great to me. Or, a devastating medical diagnosis like cancer would have me welcoming them back.

A grown adult who thinks they are going to play video games all day, not help around the house, and not need to find a job will need a loving “no.”

We have no idea what the real story is about OP’s stepchild. But if they’re a gamer who doesn’t want to get a job, then I don’t blame her for not wanting an endless roommate.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let my 27 year old child move back home let alone a 27 year old STEP child. Stop shaming OP.

This. 27 is too old for any adult child to move home. It's probably the beginning or continuation of a long-term codependency.

I think it depends on the circumstances. A generally responsible, hard-working kid who got caught up in a layoff, is burning through their emergency savings, and is having a tough time in this economy? Absolutely, I’d be a safety net as they keep job searching. A kid who finds themself in a bad marriage and needs a place to land while assets are split and they save for a new place to live? Yep, again, I’d be here with open arms. Wanting to live at home for a year or two to save up for an downpayment? Sounds great to me. Or, a devastating medical diagnosis like cancer would have me welcoming them back.

A grown adult who thinks they are going to play video games all day, not help around the house, and not need to find a job will need a loving “no.”

We have no idea what the real story is about OP’s stepchild. But if they’re a gamer who doesn’t want to get a job, then I don’t blame her for not wanting an endless roommate.

It also depends on OP’s relationship with her stepson and her husband. Many second marriages are holding on by a thread and moving in an unwanted 27 year old stepkid would break them, especially if it’s the husband’s kid and the husband is weak but OP has no jurisdiction. No one wants to feel powerless in their own home. OP is too old to waste time living like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to intervene very hard. The longer the unemployment lasts, the more your stepchild will fall behind and the more harmful it will be for their prospects in life. What will happen when you and your DH are gone? The time to intervene is now. Push for therapy, diagnosis, chores, part-time job, anything other than moping about the house and doing nothing.

Do you think your daughter wants this life for you long-term, catering to a FTL adult all of your days until you're too old to do it anymore? Do you think your daughter wants this unhappy situation hanging over every visit and ever stage of your remaining life? This is one of the things that sucks about having a stepfamily-- the burden it places on others. I hate seeing my parents struggle with their stepchildren, it's so sad.

These are all valid points. If it looks like you’re going to have a long-term unemployed, middle-aged, adult stepson living with you indefinitely, it might be time to cut your losses. OP, now would be a good time to divorce and split marital assets before your adult stepson drains them.

If this were your daughter you would feel differently. My kids are always welcome to live with me if needed. I would be happy to live with them indefinitely if they need to.

[Anonymous]

Step parents are evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You support your husband unless you want to be single...

Moving back requires an emergency situation.

Also there would be a contract with nominal rent & utilities, chores/ obligations, and a move out deadline of 6 months max.

He’d have to pay any and all other bills- smart phone, car or Ubers, healthcare, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

It works better when it's a mom and stepfather because women often carry the burden of running a household. If you bring in an adult kid whom the woman has no authority to 'parent' and whose father is unwilling to 'parent', then you have a situation that will fail 98/100 times. Meaning, all the extra housework, cooking, cleaning, parking issues (see other thread about the emergency physican whose adult stepkid blocks her in the driveway and she sometimes needs to make hospital runs in the middle of the night) become issues because (i) dad is unwilling to set rules and (ii) his wife has no authority to set rules in her own house.

Also, in a nuclear family with an adult child, you may have 30 years of goodwill and shared priorities around your adult children and grandchildren. In a second marriage, you may only have a few years of history, and they may have been fraught with conflicts like this one. So, a 27-year-old moving home might be enough to trigger a divorce. But a divorce isn't necessarily a bad thing - sometimes it clears the way for more peace for all parties. More often than not, the women I know who remarried would be better off single. Marriage is generally a bad deal for women, but the issues are amplified later in life when there's almost no upside to a second marriage for women.

[Anonymous]

This is weird OP. A lot of people are married and having kids by 27. The best way to encourage a move out is help your step kid find a job and be more independent.

Do they not have savings from their prior work? How long is it going to take them to find another job? You mentioned they failed at the job rodeo but surely they have to do something with their time all day?

What are their 3-5-10 year plans personally and professionally?

[Anonymous]

None of these kids are taking care of OP when she’s old.

[Anonymous]

Is the step’ child’s mother involved at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bizarre. I have several siblings and literally all of us "moved home to mom" once in our 20s. In my case, I was 27 just like OPs stepson. I had gotten a part time role in my field that was slated to roll into a full time role (it did!!!) and just gotten out of a live in relationship and couldn't afford rent by myself. I moved back home for 6 months, saved money, focused on doing really well at the part time role and then moved right back out once the job became full time. Similar story with all my siblings - moved home for 6-8 months and then moved right back out. We are all now in our last 30s/early 40s and doing well with careers and families.

I'm not reading anything in the original post to suggest that the 27 year old stepson is planning to stay forever.

He’s unemployed and has no plans to get a job and hasn’t ever worked. His dad is the extent of his life PLAN.

That’s the definition of failure to launch and it would be very naive to think he’s going to be in a different place 6 months from now (or even 6 years from now.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people need more help than others, and yes, that includes SKs.

Family is family, and there may yet come a day when that SK is the only thing standing between you and a lonely existence in some crappy old-folks home with no one to watch out for you and your bedsores when you can no longer do so for yourself.

Please.

This stepkid would be the first to send stepmom to a nursing home and never look back. Let’s not pretend the family relationship ever goes both ways.

And I bet the longer she subsidizes his life the more he’ll resent her.

[Anonymous]

Please. People without kids aren't all rotting in the gutter. Your natalist bigotry is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

In most marriages the women take on the bulk of the work to run the home. Your stepdad probably didn’t even notice increased workload from your presence. The OP on the other hand, is in the position where she will play maid to an adult man and her husband thinks this isn’t a big deal.

And most importantly, this man has no job prospects and no plans to move out. She’s going to spend her retirement cleaning up after an adult who’s always in her space and never leaves. Divorce would be a million times better.

It’s a very different situation than what you experienced.