Step kiddo is a total Failure to Launch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

I think what you need help with is learning how to let go of your need to control your DH's reactions to your boundaries. If you don't want to live with your 27-year-old stepkid, that is a reasonable boundary - he's 27, not 19. It is also okay that your DH may pout and throw a tantrum, saying things like you "never saw [step kid] as your own". You're not responsible for his reaction. It's okay if he doesn't like some of your boundaries. Let him vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until Boomers and Xers became the wealthiest generations and their kids were downwardly mobile, boomerang kids were not a thing. Kids could do better on their own. Now the helicopter parents are realizing that participation trophies have drawbacks.

Well, participation trophies and stagnant wages for the middle class, health care costs that have quadrupled since 1980, skyrocketing median home prices (nearly or more than $1 million dollars in some markets), rentals snapped up for Airbnb, ruptures in previously secure job markets like tech, and slowdowns in hiring that point toward recession. But sure, participation trophies.

[Anonymous]

I feel like "job rodeo" is the unturned stone here. What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Until Boomers and Xers became the wealthiest generations and their kids were downwardly mobile, boomerang kids were not a thing. Kids could do better on their own. Now the helicopter parents are realizing that participation trophies have drawbacks.

Well, participation trophies and stagnant wages for the middle class, health care costs that have quadrupled since 1980, skyrocketing median home prices (nearly or more than $1 million dollars in some markets), rentals snapped up for Airbnb, ruptures in previously secure job markets like tech, and slowdowns in hiring that point toward recession. But sure, participation trophies.

Participation trophies and helicoptering capture the overall entitlement and expectations. Boomers graduated into recessions, finished grad school in recessions, lived through cycles of engineering and tech layoffs, meatless Tuesdays, gasoline wars.
People didn't expect to buy a house in their 20s in high cost areas.
People didn't have affluent parents to go home to. They had to manage somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Kiddo" at 27, FFS?

The “kiddo” police has entered the chat.

TWENTY-SEVEN!

I think OP used kiddo so she didn't have to identify gender, and thought kiddo sounded nicer than step kid.

[Anonymous]

Some people need more help than others, and yes, that includes SKs.

Family is family, and there may yet come a day when that SK is the only thing standing between you and a lonely existence in some crappy old-folks home with no one to watch out for you and your bedsores when you can no longer do so for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people need more help than others, and yes, that includes SKs.

Family is family, and there may yet come a day when that SK is the only thing standing between you and a lonely existence in some crappy old-folks home with no one to watch out for you and your bedsores when you can no longer do so for yourself.

I’m curious how many step parents want their step kids involved in their end of life care if their spouse has already passed. I’m guessing for a lot of people, they don’t want them involved at all. The order would go to their biological kids or grandkids, their siblings, or their nieces and nephews as power of attorney before a step kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people need more help than others, and yes, that includes SKs.

Family is family, and there may yet come a day when that SK is the only thing standing between you and a lonely existence in some crappy old-folks home with no one to watch out for you and your bedsores when you can no longer do so for yourself.

I’m curious how many step parents want their step kids involved in their end of life care if their spouse has already passed. I’m guessing for a lot of people, they don’t want them involved at all. The order would go to their biological kids or grandkids, their siblings, or their nieces and nephews as power of attorney before a step kid.

Step-daughter here. I have step sibling and blood siblings but I am the only one living close to my parent/step-parent and I fully expect to handle eldercare responsibilities for both parent and step parent.

[Anonymous]

The OP is so negatively framed it is as if OP came on looking for a fight, not advice.

OP’s total lack of anything positive to say about her stepchild indicates she is not looking for advice or finding a compromise, she just wants to find some to agree she is right.

My suggestion is for OP to support her DH in providing financial support without having the stepchild move in, this financial support should be in combination with a realistic plan that the father and child can work out. I cannot think of anything that could be more toxic and push a struggling young person into depression more than having to live with the controlling piece of work that OP appears to be.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure you're fine? You don't sound like a very nice human to be around, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you're fine? You don't sound like a very nice human to be around, sorry.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband and step son problem.
Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your husband asking the "child" to do here? Work at a job for a certain period of time? Save a certain amount of money?

What do you want the "child" to do? Move out immediately? Move out in a certain timeframe?

What does the "child" want in this situation? I can't imagine that "live with my dad and my obviously hostile stepmom" is what this young adult wants out of life.

OP here. You’d think that, but step-DC hasn’t indicated anything differently. It’s so strange, I don’t understand at all.

What are you willing to do about it?

OP here. Well, seeing as I’m apparently not qualified to take issue with my stepchild moving back in, I’m not sure what exactly I’d be qualified to do about it.

Deal or Divorce Ma’am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP is so negatively framed it is as if OP came on looking for a fight, not advice.

OP’s total lack of anything positive to say about her stepchild indicates she is not looking for advice or finding a compromise, she just wants to find some to agree she is right.

My suggestion is for OP to support her DH in providing financial support without having the stepchild move in, this financial support should be in combination with a realistic plan that the father and child can work out. I cannot think of anything that could be more toxic and push a struggling young person into depression more than having to live with the controlling piece of work that OP appears to be.

Tell that to the 27 year old man baby who doesn’t work, doesn’t have a spouse or kids, does nothing with their life all day yet wants to move back in so they can continue living life as a child.

For most 27 year olds that would be depressing but for the man baby, it’s his ideal lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

You support your husband unless you want to be single...