Step kiddo is a total Failure to Launch

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to have a discussion with your DH about the path forward for your step-son, and options to provide support that don't involve him living at home. It is clear that your DH isn't willing to just let his son fail and figure it out (which is fine), but there should be some middle ground that doesn't involve him living in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting how everyone assumed OP is talking about a step SON when they didn’t use any gendered language. It’s so patriarchal.

Or maybe one person made that assumption, and subsequent posters rolled with it.

[Anonymous]

Put your foot down. My stepson tried to move back home and I told my husband that if he did, we’d be getting divorced, it didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone is the same. Is the alternative for them to be homeless and on food stamps? I have a relativley-deadbeat BIL who we have to send money to regularly. Some people need to support their parents. Families are complex, whereas you sound like you've been lucky, healthy and smart.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s reasonable to put a limit on the time at home and a requirement that they get a job or be in FT school and help with chores. But you can’t just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is the same. Is the alternative for them to be homeless and on food stamps? I have a relativley-deadbeat BIL who we have to send money to regularly. Some people need to support their parents. Families are complex, whereas you sound like you've been lucky, healthy and smart.

But in the same vein, one spouse can't move their parents in without the other's buy-in, especially in a late-life second marriage with no shared children. Most people would divorce over it. Who's going to waste what life they have left in unhappy living conditions? Why would they? OP needs to figure out what she's willing to accept and be willing to walk if they can't reach an acceptable compromise. No one has to accept an unwanted roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable to put a limit on the time at home and a requirement that they get a job or be in FT school and help with chores. But you can’t just say no.

Of course you can say no. It's called a boundary.

[Anonymous]

"Kiddo" at 27, FFS?

[Anonymous]

There is not much you can do other than insist on marriage counseling and credibly threaten to move out.

This happened to my dad and nearly ended his marriage. Although he did bring it on himself by marrying someone from a culture where adult children living with parents is totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting how everyone assumed OP is talking about a step SON when they didn’t use any gendered language. It’s so patriarchal.

You mean misandrist. And yes, it is.

[Anonymous]

It changes the dynamic at home. I’ve always said my kid could always come back home if ever needed. I suppose I would not want that to be a limitless possibly permanent situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, they have been out of college awhile, likely awhile. I think we need more context.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to intervene very hard. The longer the unemployment lasts, the more your stepchild will fall behind and the more harmful it will be for their prospects in life. What will happen when you and your DH are gone? The time to intervene is now. Push for therapy, diagnosis, chores, part-time job, anything other than moping about the house and doing nothing.

Do you think your daughter wants this life for you long-term, catering to a FTL adult all of your days until you're too old to do it anymore? Do you think your daughter wants this unhappy situation hanging over every visit and ever stage of your remaining life? This is one of the things that sucks about having a stepfamily-- the burden it places on others. I hate seeing my parents struggle with their stepchildren, it's so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to intervene very hard. The longer the unemployment lasts, the more your stepchild will fall behind and the more harmful it will be for their prospects in life. What will happen when you and your DH are gone? The time to intervene is now. Push for therapy, diagnosis, chores, part-time job, anything other than moping about the house and doing nothing.

Do you think your daughter wants this life for you long-term, catering to a FTL adult all of your days until you're too old to do it anymore? Do you think your daughter wants this unhappy situation hanging over every visit and ever stage of your remaining life? This is one of the things that sucks about having a stepfamily-- the burden it places on others. I hate seeing my parents struggle with their stepchildren, it's so sad.

These are all valid points. If it looks like you’re going to have a long-term unemployed, middle-aged, adult stepson living with you indefinitely, it might be time to cut your losses. OP, now would be a good time to divorce and split marital assets before your adult stepson drains them.

[Anonymous]

Can people get a post-nuptial agreement, where assets are split but divorce isn't necessarily happening?