Step kiddo is a total Failure to Launch

[Anonymous]

How old was your step kid when you entered their life and/or became a stepmother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

In most marriages the women take on the bulk of the work to run the home. Your stepdad probably didn’t even notice increased workload from your presence. The OP on the other hand, is in the position where she will play maid to an adult man and her husband thinks this isn’t a big deal.

And most importantly, this man has no job prospects and no plans to move out. She’s going to spend her retirement cleaning up after an adult who’s always in her space and never leaves. Divorce would be a million times better.

It’s a very different situation than what you experienced.

This!! I am a stepmom to failure to launch stepsons. They don't clean up after themselves. My husband does not set the expectations that they do so, despite me arguing with him that he should. They don't listen to me. He sometimes cleans up after them, but most of it falls to me. I've no interest in spending the rest of my life cleaning up after three grown men or living in a pigsty. I'm considering divorce or potentially moving out at least. We were supposed to be empty nesters at this point and instead they are here 100 percent of the time (up from fifty percent of the time when they were in high school and my husband had fifty fifty custody). Note - their MOM does not let them live with her!

If my husband was following around them cleaning up after their sloth, it would be somewhat more tolerable. Also, I think the PP before this one is a girl. Two daughters living with a mom are probably a lot cleaner and more responsible than two sons living with their dad. It's just a completely different dynamic.

[Anonymous]

My ex's girlfriend calls all my children failure to launch because they all attended college that was paid for.

According to her, her kids didn't need any dumb college to succeed. After all, she's the one sitting in the loungers at the pool next to my husband. In the meantime, since my ex pays for all her expenses (she lives with him) she gives her entire income to her kids.

She gets to scrutinize my kids, no one gets to scrutinize hers because that's just my (rich person) clapping down at her kids (admirable working class) ... but she uses my husband's rich person status as her own

I've given up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the step’ child’s mother involved at all?

OP here. No. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

Ok. So he is a "Failure to Launch". What do parents do when this happens? They let them stay in their home and support them for as long as needed. They get them the treatment, new skills, therapy, coaching, more schooling, more experience etc to let them live a productive and independent life - eventually.

Your feelings are valid as a step-mom. You are not supposed to be kind, loving or motherly. You are supposed to be evil and horrible and a first class Beeitch. And that you are.

Carry on.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

In most marriages the women take on the bulk of the work to run the home. Your stepdad probably didn’t even notice increased workload from your presence. The OP on the other hand, is in the position where she will play maid to an adult man and her husband thinks this isn’t a big deal.

And most importantly, this man has no job prospects and no plans to move out. She’s going to spend her retirement cleaning up after an adult who’s always in her space and never leaves. Divorce would be a million times better.

It’s a very different situation than what you experienced.

This!! I am a stepmom to failure to launch stepsons. They don't clean up after themselves. My husband does not set the expectations that they do so, despite me arguing with him that he should. They don't listen to me. He sometimes cleans up after them, but most of it falls to me. I've no interest in spending the rest of my life cleaning up after three grown men or living in a pigsty. I'm considering divorce or potentially moving out at least. We were supposed to be empty nesters at this point and instead they are here 100 percent of the time (up from fifty percent of the time when they were in high school and my husband had fifty fifty custody). Note - their MOM does not let them live with her!

If my husband was following around them cleaning up after their sloth, it would be somewhat more tolerable. Also, I think the PP before this one is a girl. Two daughters living with a mom are probably a lot cleaner and more responsible than two sons living with their dad. It's just a completely different dynamic.

I would get a divorce. This sounds absolutely miserable. Wouldn’t you be happier living alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

Ok. So he is a "Failure to Launch". What do parents do when this happens? They let them stay in their home and support them for as long as needed. They get them the treatment, new skills, therapy, coaching, more schooling, more experience etc to let them live a productive and independent life - eventually.

Your feelings are valid as a step-mom. You are not supposed to be kind, loving or motherly. You are supposed to be evil and horrible and a first class Beeitch. And that you are.

Carry on.

Yes.

It’s not uncommon for women to realize they don’t want to play that role and then leave. That’s the only solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

Ok. So he is a "Failure to Launch". What do parents do when this happens? They let them stay in their home and support them for as long as needed. They get them the treatment, new skills, therapy, coaching, more schooling, more experience etc to let them live a productive and independent life - eventually.

Your feelings are valid as a step-mom. You are not supposed to be kind, loving or motherly. You are supposed to be evil and horrible and a first class Beeitch. And that you are.

Carry on.

Yes.

It’s not uncommon for women to realize they don’t want to play that role and then leave. That’s the only solution.

No one is stopping the women from leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step kiddo 27 was a “promising student” in school but hasn’t been much successful. Graduated from college with niche/unhelpful major, tried out the job rodeo (failed), now moving back in with us. I don’t support it, you’ve gotta move out and find yourself in that way, right? It’s what I always did and I turned out I just fine if I do say so myself. But DH claims that I “never saw [step kid] as my own kid” and that’s what’s fueling my feelings. Well no, I saw my step kid as my step kid. All right and so what? The issue I need your helps with is encouraging my STEP child to move out while avoiding drama with DH.

Ok. So he is a "Failure to Launch". What do parents do when this happens? They let them stay in their home and support them for as long as needed. They get them the treatment, new skills, therapy, coaching, more schooling, more experience etc to let them live a productive and independent life - eventually.

Your feelings are valid as a step-mom. You are not supposed to be kind, loving or motherly. You are supposed to be evil and horrible and a first class Beeitch. And that you are.

Carry on.

Yes.

It’s not uncommon for women to realize they don’t want to play that role and then leave. That’s the only solution.

No one is stopping the women from leaving.

Obviously. 60-70% of second marriages end in a divorce. The PP with 3 adult stepsons living with her should get her divorce settlement and go buy herself a peaceful quiet home. No one wants to spend their retirement years living with, cleaning up and supporting their partner’s adult children. Life is too short to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

In most marriages the women take on the bulk of the work to run the home. Your stepdad probably didn’t even notice increased workload from your presence. The OP on the other hand, is in the position where she will play maid to an adult man and her husband thinks this isn’t a big deal.

And most importantly, this man has no job prospects and no plans to move out. She’s going to spend her retirement cleaning up after an adult who’s always in her space and never leaves. Divorce would be a million times better.

It’s a very different situation than what you experienced.

This!! I am a stepmom to failure to launch stepsons. They don't clean up after themselves. My husband does not set the expectations that they do so, despite me arguing with him that he should. They don't listen to me. He sometimes cleans up after them, but most of it falls to me. I've no interest in spending the rest of my life cleaning up after three grown men or living in a pigsty. I'm considering divorce or potentially moving out at least. We were supposed to be empty nesters at this point and instead they are here 100 percent of the time (up from fifty percent of the time when they were in high school and my husband had fifty fifty custody). Note - their MOM does not let them live with her!

If my husband was following around them cleaning up after their sloth, it would be somewhat more tolerable. Also, I think the PP before this one is a girl. Two daughters living with a mom are probably a lot cleaner and more responsible than two sons living with their dad. It's just a completely different dynamic.

Surely there were signs that they will be useless. I dated someone whose kid was bipolar+ and who himself through a tantrum. Poor thing was overwhelmed with emotions when he couldn't find a new shirt from the mess that his house was. He could, however, act totally normal in public. Imagine if I had been understanding enough to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step parents are evil.

Both my biological sister and I moved in with our mom and step father at different points in our 20s. He welcomed us like his own children. Some step parents are great.

The op of this thread though, not so much.

In most marriages the women take on the bulk of the work to run the home. Your stepdad probably didn’t even notice increased workload from your presence. The OP on the other hand, is in the position where she will play maid to an adult man and her husband thinks this isn’t a big deal.

And most importantly, this man has no job prospects and no plans to move out. She’s going to spend her retirement cleaning up after an adult who’s always in her space and never leaves. Divorce would be a million times better.

It’s a very different situation than what you experienced.

This!! I am a stepmom to failure to launch stepsons. They don't clean up after themselves. My husband does not set the expectations that they do so, despite me arguing with him that he should. They don't listen to me. He sometimes cleans up after them, but most of it falls to me. I've no interest in spending the rest of my life cleaning up after three grown men or living in a pigsty. I'm considering divorce or potentially moving out at least. We were supposed to be empty nesters at this point and instead they are here 100 percent of the time (up from fifty percent of the time when they were in high school and my husband had fifty fifty custody). Note - their MOM does not let them live with her!

If my husband was following around them cleaning up after their sloth, it would be somewhat more tolerable. Also, I think the PP before this one is a girl. Two daughters living with a mom are probably a lot cleaner and more responsible than two sons living with their dad. It's just a completely different dynamic.

Surely there were signs that they will be useless. I dated someone whose kid was bipolar+ and who himself through a tantrum. Poor thing was overwhelmed with emotions when he couldn't find a new shirt from the mess that his house was. He could, however, act totally normal in public. Imagine if I had been understanding enough to stay.

Our own life experiences shape our expectations. Thank the stars my two are fiercely independent and wouldn’t accept assistance if I offered it. Their sense of independence matters greatly to them (daughters).

I have been entirely on my own financially and otherwise since age 18. Addict mother and father who abandoned the family. Went to two top 10 schools that DCUM gushes over. No debt either. Admittedly I was a tough kid with an unusual talent (but still immature). Worked in a teamsters union on breaks and learned that toughness is simply keeping your mouth shut and doing the work. The brutally tough (and mostly big) guys I worked with over time gave me respect. I learned I would never be out of work. My tolerance for young adults who don’t launch is nil. This I must admit is a harsh judgment which needs to take into account circumstances. But all too often people fail to understand the importance of necessity. Necessity can accomplish a lot. I empathize with those who don’t tolerate it.