Dating scene at state schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m more concerned. she’s ok for now. It’s not about having a boyfriend per se, but seemingly lack of quality guys period. Just more hookup and party. I would have loved ot see her a private school but he likely wouldn’t have gotten in in this landscape and only wanted warm.

Dear OP, what kind of ECs and clubs is she involved in? Participation in one of them made all the difference for my DD. She was at UVA. She doesn't like the Greek scene, so she auditioned, joined the school newspaper, crew, and the debate society. The latter stuck. She met smart, quality kids and a boyfriend through the group. Even now, she goes back for the big debate reunions. What are her interests? FWIW, she and her boyfriend went church shopping every Sunday(and sent hilarious posts). Like everything in life, success and happiness is largely self-made. She needs to figure out what activities she wants to do for fun, where the cool kids are, and proceed accordingly (and not be so desperate for a boyfriend - everyone can tell)..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m more concerned. she’s ok for now. It’s not about having a boyfriend per se, but seemingly lack of quality guys period. Just more hookup and party. I would have loved ot see her a private school but he likely wouldn’t have gotten in in this landscape and only wanted warm.

Dear OP, what kind of ECs and clubs is she involved in? Participation in one of them made all the difference for my DD. She was at UVA. She doesn't like the Greek scene, so she auditioned, joined the school newspaper, crew, and the debate society. The latter stuck. She met smart, quality kids and a boyfriend through the group. Even now, she goes back for the big debate reunions. What are her interests? FWIW, she and her boyfriend went church shopping every Sunday(and sent hilarious posts). Like everything in life, success and happiness is largely self-made. She needs to figure out what activities she wants to do for fun, where the cool kids are, and proceed accordingly (and not be so desperate for a boyfriend - everyone can tell)..

+1. State schools, such as UVA, offer numerous organizations to join. UVA has over 700 student organizations and clubs. If they don't have one that suits your daughter's interests, she can apply for funding to start her own. And, yes, November, is too soon. I was miserable my first term at my SLAC. Largely my fault but I pulled it together and graduated first in my class.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing remotely unusual or wrong with not having a significant other during the first two months of college. It's not a problem to be solved. And if by some weird stretch it was, transferring schools would not help solve it, but would be highly disruptive in several other obvious ways.

[Anonymous]

I don't think transferring helps. Majority of women want same top few % of the men. That's true everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing remotely unusual or wrong with not having a significant other during the first two months of college. It's not a problem to be solved. And if by some weird stretch it was, transferring schools would not help solve it, but would be highly disruptive in several other obvious ways.

Or throughout four years in college. Lots/most kids aren't paired up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to a 15,000 person school and found his now-serious girlfriend beginning of his sophomore year through online dating. They actually already had a class together but I guess the online thing is a way to make sure you're looking at a pool of people who actually want to have a relationship.

I think this is more common now. A lot of kids this age (especially boys) are too timid to actually make a move. The dating apps narrow the field to help them be more brave.

That's an interesting way to spell "not interested in sexually harassing women who want nothing to do with them". What sort of "move" would you want an unattractive stranger making on you, especially as a young woman on her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to a 15,000 person school and found his now-serious girlfriend beginning of his sophomore year through online dating. They actually already had a class together but I guess the online thing is a way to make sure you're looking at a pool of people who actually want to have a relationship.

I think this is more common now. A lot of kids this age (especially boys) are too timid to actually make a move. The dating apps narrow the field to help them be more brave.

That's an interesting way to spell "not interested in sexually harassing women who want nothing to do with them". What sort of "move" would you want an unattractive stranger making on you, especially as a young woman on her own?

Holy cow! What are you envisioning? Boys are too timid to even say hi and introduce themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a "study" going around awhile back that was on a lot of sites that said 45% of guys ages 18-25 had never asked out a woman in person. That's what's going on. Can you imagine??

See above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to go to a school where the number of men is at least slightly larger than the number of women.

#men < #women - men have market power and play the field. casual sex and hookups are common.

#men > #women - women rule, what they want goes. men try to lock them down via long term relationships.

what are these schools?

Tech schools like Purdue, WPI, MIT, Colorado school of mines, GTech, VTech, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more about the quality of of the guys-- maybe it's frat guys everywhere or just the stereotype, or higher standards based on HS bf. Where are these big state party schools can one meet quality guys - not to marry!

Why not? Generally, attractive, put together guys either want casual flings or something serious. If you're not offering either, they have no reason to be interested in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to a 15,000 person school and found his now-serious girlfriend beginning of his sophomore year through online dating. They actually already had a class together but I guess the online thing is a way to make sure you're looking at a pool of people who actually want to have a relationship.

I think this is more common now. A lot of kids this age (especially boys) are too timid to actually make a move. The dating apps narrow the field to help them be more brave.

That's an interesting way to spell "not interested in sexually harassing women who want nothing to do with them". What sort of "move" would you want an unattractive stranger making on you, especially as a young woman on her own?

Saying hello, striking up a conversation and asking someone out are not sexual harassment. They are normal social interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on my kid’s school Reddit and anecdotes from friends with kids at other state schools, it sounds like a lot of kids use dating apps - which is the saddest thing I have ever heard. I’d love to hear theories about this.

Dating apps are incredibly normal now. Why would you expect college students not to use them?

Because they are literally surrounded by same-age suitable dating partners? Why would they need to resort to dating apps instead taking their eyes off their screens and actually meeting the people around them?

Just because someone is the same age age you and you find them suitable doesn't mean they are looking to be approached. Approaching them is likely to make them uncomfortable. On the other hand, everyone on dating apps is looking for partners, so no risk of making people feel scared or uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are any state schools NOT big party schools?

William and Mary, Georgia Tech, MCLA, Georgia Tech

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is at UVA and her friend group of about 10 girls have not dated at all (no one has ever asked or approached them) and her friends at Michigan and Wisconsin aren't dating either but her impression is that none are hooking up either. There is just almost no interaction with the opposite sex which my daughter finds weird after having many male friends and some dates at her high school.
Her NESCAC and other small school friends seem to be dating more but this could just be hooking up--I don't know or ask for details.

It does feel like to them that they missed the boat if they didn't arrive at college with a boyfriend. No one is breaking up because I think social media and texting make long distance so easy and more importantly the kids realize that there is no dating going on so if they want any sort of romantic (or frankly physical action) they need to stick with the high school flame.

This all seems to be driven by the gender imbalance. There are just many more girls than boys. And not even by pure numbers but by the numbers of kids are are attractive, social and as such are viewed as desirable dating material. There is an endless stream of good-looking, smart and put-together girls while on the boy front many of the conventionally attractive ones are bros/drunks and then you have the awkward ones and there are very few in the middle. I will say that my daughter has been broadening her idea of who she thinks is attractive and eligible dating material. She has a current crush and he is geeky and also a different race than she is. She asked him to do something and he was like "sure!" I'm proud of her for expanding her horizons. Hopefully she'll at least find a new friend.

Agree more good girls than guys- but the imbalance is at almost every school. It seems much harder to find a quality guy

If you are a girl at UVA and you can’t find “a quality guy” at a place where there are huge numbers of high stats UMC boys (ie the male equivalent of you) then the problem is definitely 100% you.

You can even just… talk to guys. They will like it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So there is nowhere a woman has the “pick of the litter” just guys at small to mid privates?!

Harvey mudd

Maybe Mudd is different now but in my day the boys were mostly horrendous nerds and the girls were just horrendous.