Reply to MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In my experience, people who do this really don’t care about what the other people want or enjoy. You are subservient role players in their image of what they want to do, They have little empathy and are laser focused on ensuring their desires are always met. This is why politely declining or graciously redirecting never works! They fundamentally don’t give a crap whether you have other things to do, didn’t invite them, don’t feel well or whatever. It’s never about you, it’s always about them.

They are also always searching for weaknesses. If you give in, they don’t think gee I really appreciate this and I’ll be mindful not to intrude again. Nope! They get a little dopamine hit that “ yeah, that worked! I got my way!” and they will 100% do it again and again.

They will think up pretenses. They aren’t bringing over a dish because they are thoughtful. No way, it’s a pretense to invite themselves over to dinner when they want regardless of your schedule.

I really think it’s a personality disorder that gets worse as it’s enabled. Especially, the anxious panic of constant calling if they don’t get their way. They enjoy the control, winning the game they are playing, and feeling important when they put their wants over your needs.[/quote]

Op here - yes, this describes what happens when I do x versus y exactly.

Regarding finances for all those posting - my dh and I do not come from very different financial backgrounds, although my parents were immigrants and it’s definitely a rags to riches story for my family of origin.

My husbands assets from family are well protected in trusts, and I have no eye for them. There is a deal with the devil you make when you bring that type of transactional dynamic into a marriage and I’m not into it.

I am a minority though and my dh is white. My mil makes judgmental comments about other races lifestyles and ways of being in a tone that is incredulous and derogatory. She is basically a very subtle oblivious racist. Some of it is personality, some generational. She is all around quite judgmental though so it is what it is with her around all that.

She can be pleasant too. Thanks for the tips. Next time I will listen to my intuition instead of just rolling with it. I just wanted to get some other perspective. Def got a lot!!![/quote]

I have a close family member with this. My advice is to decide on your mind how much contact you can have without going crazy -- one meal a week plus one activity with the kids, or something. And then don't deviate from that. If she asks to come over, just kindly say no. Don't explain -- just say no and "looking forward to seeing you on Sunday!" Or whatever.

Put her on an "information diet" so that she actually doesn't know your family schedule.[/quote]

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