Any men here who walked away from their families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second family dudes are my least favorite. I think it’s because of growing up around enough first family kids. But now as an adult, if you have a second family I have a really hard time respecting you even if you’re a senator or a fancy lawyer or whatever. It’s a red line for me. I understand that people get divorced, but I’ll never understand the do-over family.

Thank you.

My dad and his wife moved to another state shortly after having their kid and creating the second family.

They no-showed a family wedding. Within a year, cut off all contact with me and my siblings (college and post college age, so not a "parenting" issue). We never were invited or visited home in new state. I do not think anyone there knew he had 3 kids from his first marriage. It was if he started a completely new life, blank slate. It's been 20+ years now and no word. Their daughter grew up, went to college, got married and had their grandchild. My son has never met them. Second family dude indeed.

Wow. I am so sorry. I have no doubt this is the scenario that my stepmom wanted but we were just inconveniently too young to pull off. She did eventually figure out she could send the younger kid to relatives to get rid of him. My dad 100% would have gone along with it, while also telling himself some story about how it was our fault etc. End result was that my dad was not exactly the “second family” dad, but there was a huge difference between the older and younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second family dudes are my least favorite. I think it’s because of growing up around enough first family kids. But now as an adult, if you have a second family I have a really hard time respecting you even if you’re a senator or a fancy lawyer or whatever. It’s a red line for me. I understand that people get divorced, but I’ll never understand the do-over family.

+1. It's immoral to leave your first children behind in order to pursue a new family. It causes such betrayal pain and generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

A determined angry woman can absolutely alienate the kids. Stop making excuses for spiteful women.

They literally can’t though. If a dad is kind, caring, involved and the kids know that they would never believe any lies told. The only thing that kids know is if you show up and are there. If your ex is some all powerful wizard then sure, maybe I’d believe that she is magically strong enough to alienate your children. Otherwise? You’re just lazy and selfish. You care more about yourself and your ego than your kids. Those people? That’s not alienation, that’s just the common sense outcome of not caring about your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

A determined angry woman can absolutely alienate the kids. Stop making excuses for spiteful women.

It's impossible to alienate someone from someone who's constantly around. There's no amount of "spite" that would invalidate the loving, constant presence and attention of the child's other parent.

It's a lot harder to be present and attentive if you bail on your family, at which point, you've "alienated" yourself. And if you did so in a way that makes you the AH, well, there's cause for the spite. Truthfully though: your kids will figure out the truth of who left and why and remember who was there and when. You can't fake connection, and you can't fake attention and care. The truth will out.

Yes, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's impossible to alienate someone from someone who's constantly around. There's no amount of "spite" that would invalidate the loving, constant presence and attention of the child's other parent.

It's a lot harder to be present and attentive if you bail on your family, at which point, you've "alienated" yourself. And if you did so in a way that makes you the AH, well, there's cause for the spite. Truthfully though: your kids will figure out the truth of who left and why and remember who was there and when. You can't fake connection, and you can't fake attention and care. The truth will out.

This is incorrect, unfortunately. My sister is the SAHM, always there for her kids, the one to help with homework, make meals, drive, etc. Her husband travels very frequently for his career but when home mocks, belittles, screams and disrespects her in front of and to the kids. He talks about her to the kids behind her back. He has, over the years, alienated her from their kids when he is home - it’s almost like the kids are afraid to be nice to her in front of him. It’s marginally better when he’s traveling, but now the kids (teens) have witnessed the disrespect for so long that they dish it out, too. It’s a horrible situation that she has stayed in for the sake of the kids, but has still ended up with them basically icing her out and treating her with disdain anyway. Hopefully when they are adults they will see things from a different perspective, and hopefully by that time their parents won’t be together. But I know from witnessing this that parental alienation can happen whether or not a parent leaves the home, and I can imagine situations where a parent should leave even knowing the alienation would continue.

This is not alienation, and it also makes a strong case about not staying with an abuser “for the kids”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

Again. It doesn’t matter what any person does if they were a great parent to begin with. You can’t erase all the happy memories and joy felt. Unless it wasn’t there to begin with.

If you were a great parent who wanted to be a parent (key), you wouldn’t “opt out” of your children’s lives for anything. Sorry, but you’re just making your situation sound more and more awful. If you have “opted out” of your children’s lives because you hate your ex, you are a terrible man and a horrific father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

It’s clear you are just a terrible dad and a misogynist. It’s easier to blame women for all your f*** ups than to look internally or even bother with your kids. Lazy. Selfish. Stop blaming women for your own failures.

[Anonymous]

A mom who had recently moved to our neighborhood did this. She and her husband, who was a SAHD, built a new house and then shortly after moving in she up and left for FL without her daughter. She came up as a suggested Facebook friend the other day so I clicked on her profile and she's remarried to an older guy and her daughter is nowhere to be seen. The dad and daughter moved out of our neighborhood after she left and we weren't close so I have no idea where they went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

Typical excusemaking non-logic from the sort of person that "opts out" of parenting. You can opt out of your relationship to the child(ren)'s other parent without opting out of your relationship to your children. The latter is your L. If she's "not giving dad his custody time", file a contempt proceeding and bring the receipts. False accusations don't hold up when the non-custodial parent shows up reliably and is actively involved.

Just because she didn't make it easy for you doesn't me you get to opt out. Yeah, you may have to work harder and keep trying if you want your kids to believe that you'd never give up on them and always tried your best. You'll either have the proof or you'll have this excusemaking crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

Again. It doesn’t matter what any person does if they were a great parent to begin with. You can’t erase all the happy memories and joy felt. Unless it wasn’t there to begin with.

If you were a great parent who wanted to be a parent (key), you wouldn’t “opt out” of your children’s lives for anything. Sorry, but you’re just making your situation sound more and more awful. If you have “opted out” of your children’s lives because you hate your ex, you are a terrible man and a horrific father.

Exactly. "I wasn't there for you because your mom..." is such weak bullshit. If you tried that route, you alienated yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

It’s clear you have not met an expert BPD woman. It’s definitely possible to manipulate kids and it’s definitely possible to make someone’s life so difficult they opt out. False accusations of abuse or threats of doing that are one very effective tactic. Or just not giving dad his custody time, not allowing phone calls. yes a man in this scenario should keep trying but it happens.

It’s clear you are just a terrible dad and a misogynist. It’s easier to blame women for all your f*** ups than to look internally or even bother with your kids. Lazy. Selfish. Stop blaming women for your own failures.

+1

Do or do not, bro. There is no try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second family dudes are my least favorite. I think it’s because of growing up around enough first family kids. But now as an adult, if you have a second family I have a really hard time respecting you even if you’re a senator or a fancy lawyer or whatever. It’s a red line for me. I understand that people get divorced, but I’ll never understand the do-over family.

+1. It's immoral to leave your first children behind in order to pursue a new family. It causes such betrayal pain and generational trauma.

Kids recognize when the SAHM just relies on her title and duties as Mom. They understand who the successful one is, and whose train they need to hitch. They can see when Dad is busting his butt and provides a huge house for the family, vs the Mom crying through making dinner because her own Dad died SIX months ago. They understand when they’re out at an event and people fawn over their Dad, and then turn to the supposedly indispensable SAHM and say “And you are?”

So like Nick in the Four Seasons, when I had the opportunity to leave SAHM for someone so much better, I didn’t hesitate. I demanded dual custody with no say for her on who spent time with the kids during my time (that’s really important). I wasn’t going to let her veto anyone I date. My girlfriend knows my kids are my legacy and is good with that.

I’m able to mold my girlfriend in ways that are better for all of us. She understands that her expectations and values need to align with mine, and she appreciates all I do for her professionally and personally. She’s only gotten hotter the last two years since we’ve gotten together.

We’re like the Four Seasons in that we do a big trip together four times a year. We did Disney in the spring, and St. Barts this summer. Fall is Vegas F1 and then we’re hitting Switzerland for Christmas. My ex just can’t compete, though she pitifully tries with overnights to the Greenbrier with the kids that eat up a week of client fees (she’s a therapist now that she has to work again). But when Dad takes you on elite vacations and his GF is within a decade of your oldest and can turn him on to new TikTok videos, the kids see Mom as pathetic. They know they’re far better off if they’re loyal to me, no matter how much “quality time” Ms. Psychoanalyst wants to spend with them exploring their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I will get slammed, but most of these marriages are dead and transactional by that point anyway. It’s rarely a shock to anyone, and in retrospect, often a blessing.

Marriage shouldn’t stop a father from being a father. If his marriage dissolves he’s no longer a husband, but he’s still a father. That isn’t an excuse for dead beats.

Some moms want to cover up their affair and play happy family with the ap. Dad’s role is only money and she refuses contact and alienates the kids. It goes both ways.

Nope. You can’t alienate the kids if you’re an involved caring parent to begin with. Stop making excuses for lazy men who refuse to parent.

Yes you can. You refuse phone calls and don’t have the kids there for dad’s time. Go to court, judge fusses at mom, mom makes promises and still refuses. Repeat. Kids want to please so they want to please mom or there are consequences.

That’s not how it works. If the guy is a good dad, the kids will want to call him and talk to him. They will want to see him and spend time with him. They will not take kindly to mom telling them no. Maybe you or your kids were exceptionally doormat-ish, but that’s not how most kids are. You can’t alienate someone else who the kids cherish and idolize.

Just sounds like you weren’t a very good dad to begin with if the switch flips that easily 🤷‍♀️

I am a woman who has a male friend who is currently dealing with this - his wife, who will eventually be his ex-wife but I hesitate to say STBX because I think it's going to take a long time - is abusing the system and alienating their daughter from him. He was the primary caregiver for their daughter most of her life (they both work but his job is more flexible) and dad and daughter are so close. All of our friends' kids, including mine, greatly prefer the dad to the mom, but the mom is lobbing insane allegations against the dad and is refusing to let him contact their daughter (she has moved with her to their vacation house). She has filed PPOs, which have been dismissed, pressed charges, filed a complaint with CPS, and is suing for full custody. He's knocking down the things one by one but they each take time and in the meantime he hasn't been able to see or talk to his daughter. I have no doubt the mom is doing her best to poison the girl against her dad and it's just crazy. So while I certainly hope that she won't be successful in her ultimate goal of completely alienating the daughter from her dad, but she's done a damn good job at keeping them apart for the last six weeks and who knows how much longer. I don't know how old you think these kids are, but when they can't drive and the parents control their devices, and therefore their communications, you absolutely can keep kids from a parent they long to see. Hopefully not forever, but I think you'd do some good to back off a bit and realize that you don't understand every situation and your stupid emojis and absolute statements aren't appropriate.