Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?
I’m the new wife (now ex-wife). I was actually wife #3. Yes, I was stupid, and yes, I should have known better.
He tried to stick it out because a third divorce and broken family looks bad, but even though he was physically in the home, mentally and emotionally he was completely checked out.
Reality is a lot of men simply don’t want families and go through with it because of pressure from society, peer groups, family, etc. In our case, I do believe he wanted companionship, and he only went through with marriage and kids because I was going to break up with him if he didn’t.
He moved about 10 minutes from me and we do 50/50 custody. I don’t know how he parents (DC is 3, so can’t communicate about xH’s parenting) and I don’t know if he’ll end up bailing like he did on his first two families. It would not surprise me if he did leave (with the first two he moved out of state “for work”), but I do think he’s a better father when he only has to be a father half the time and can spend the rest of the time on his hobbies, which aren’t very compatible with family life.
Even if he does stick around, I know he won’t be contributing to DC’s college fund or leaving any sort of inheritance. He is absolutely terrible with money and convinced his oldest child (23yo) not to go to college because he didn’t want to pay for it, which has of course ruined that child’s life and they bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job. He also never paid child support for any of his previous kids, even though he saw them only 1-2 times a year and their moms had full custody.
When younger women ask me for dating advice, I always tell them if a man is an even the slightest bit hesitant at the idea of marriage and kids, dump him. Don’t try to convince him. Don’t issue ultimatums. Don’t believe them when you dump them and they come crawling, swearing they changed their mind. They didn’t. They just don’t want to be alone.
I am so curious how he managed to get you to marry him. Did he just conceal all of this?
Honestly, I'm baffled myself how I fell for it. My self-esteem is great. What I think happened:
1. He actually did years of therapy and knew all the right things to say. I do believe on some level he wanted to change. But all therapy really did was give him a bunch of buzzwords to make it sound like he had changed. However, since he did therapy before we met and throughout the duration of our relationship, I took that as a sign he was committed, was improving, and was serious about me.
2. We had intense physical chemistry. I'm not usually a slave to pheromones or my hormones, but yowza. Hard to explain if you haven't experienced that yourself.
3. We had a ton in common, more than I'd had with anyone prior. We actually made great friends, and everyone always says to marry your best friend.
4. I actually did break up with him multiple times over the fact that I wanted marriage & kids, and he didn't. I'd end things cordially, saying what we wanted wasn't in alignment, he'd come crawling to me a couple weeks/months later saying he'd been reflecting on it, talking to his therapist, etc, and realized he actually did want to get married and have a family. And he *would* follow through on whatever he promised.
I also think a lot is messaging from the media and pop culture that if a man wants you, he will change for you. I've since learned that no, people don't ever actually change. They may try, they may seem to, but you can't undo decades of habits and patterns.
So you never said something like "Okay, if you're so committed to improving, start paying your child support" and then waited to see if he did it?
PP. I actually didn't know he didn't pay child support until near the end of our marriage. He was pocketing the money he said was for child support.
I did ask him to make certain improvements, which he did. Things really started falling apart after we actually had DC and he realized he didn't actually want more kids after all.
It is what it is. Yes, in hindsight, I should have just moved on rather than believe him. But it's too late now. I don't beat myself up over his decision to mislead me, that's on him.
When my ex didn’t pay child support I made sure everyone, yes including his at the time current live in love, his family, and friends.
When that didn’t work I wrecked his credit, took his passport, etc., and if he had property that could be it had a lien on it.
I find it really hard to believe you had no idea if you got close enough to marry him. We see what we want to see.
The best advice you can give a younger woman is don’t be so desperate for anything that will have you, that you fail to really see a man’s character.
Ask for a copy of his credit report, chid support isn’t fun, but not paying it isn’t the same as forgetting to pay the water bill. One is absent minded the other is a lack of character.
if he has kids already, and you chose to get involved anyway you had no excuse, you weren’t duped you were an idiot. You can’t hide easily verifiable things like not paying support or being there for your kids.
Does he put their needs before yours. If not that’s a lack of character. If you married or dated him thinking “he loves me so much he even puts me before his children” then you have low self esteem and lack character.
If he’s been married twice already, and already has 2 sets of kids of course he can’t make time for them, iif he has time to date then he’s not making time for his kids because you can’t be in 3 places at once. Also he’s a moron who can’t manage adulting because who consistently makes such careless and reckless decisions. It’s not cute it’s stupid.
You’d have to be blind, deaf and dumb to think the 3rd time is the charm. No the 3rd woman who steps up to that plate just proves there is a sucker born every minute.
Best advice be wary of a divorced man, if he’s been divorced more than once, easy, run in the opposite direction. No excuses.
If only divorced once give him a chance but talk to the ex, if she’s still mad, after a few years there’s probably a good reason and it probably involves money and his not sharing the child rearing load.
Get to know his friends and family. A man who walks away from his kids isn’t just bad in one way, he’s usually bad in a lot of ways and there is always at least a few who will be honest with you.
No doubt you and your kids got burned and that sucks, but if you are going to give advice, start with check his references and his credit report before you have mind blowing intimacy.
And easiest advice of all if he’s been married twice already, danger, danger, abort, abort. Abandon mission and run the opposite way.
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