Any men here who walked away from their families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

Why do the work when you can just ghost on your responsibilities and blame your ex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

Why do the work when you can just ghost on your responsibilities and blame your ex?

I know. His behavior was and is terrible. I wish the best for him even though I have been cast as the crazy ex. I took the divorce as an opportunity to work on myself and the issues I brought to that relationship, or at least the ones I am aware of since he wanted no part of post-marriage therapy. Everyone deserves to live a peaceful life. I fought for mine, if that makes sense. He wanted me to drown. I seem to have ended up with the better deal and I'm grateful now for the kick in the pants that brought me to this place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

Mine dropped the bomb and ran away and never looked back. 20 years. No discussion. His girlfriend should ask a lot of questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s dad did when she was in high school and her sibling was in middle school. High income family where everyone had grad degrees, so this wasn’t some poor teenage dad being a deadbeat.

It seemed like part of a bigger midlife crisis because he ended up marrying someone much younger, acting totally different, etc.

Grad degrees don’t inoculate against this kind of stuff.

Despite what the harpies on this board would say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

Mine dropped the bomb and ran away and never looked back. 20 years. No discussion. His girlfriend should ask a lot of questions.

30 years together here. Did yours leave you for the girlfriend? Mine did. It doesn't seem emotionally healthy to cut and run like that but it's no longer my problem!

[Anonymous]

My former husband did this, too. It’s heart breaking for all of us. I know he struggles with it. He says it’s the biggest regret of his life.

I wish men or women who’ve walked away would feel free to talk about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men who do that are so in denial that they would never give you a straight answer here. Most won’t even see themselves as having walked away.

This. These are the ones who will swear their crazy wife "turned the kids against him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former husband did this, too. It’s heart breaking for all of us. I know he struggles with it. He says it’s the biggest regret of his life.

I wish men or women who’ve walked away would feel free to talk about it here.

Did he ever make an attempt to come back, or was he too ashamed to try to fix what he’d ruined?

[Anonymous]

I used to think my stepmother’s first husband did this. My stepsibs lived with us full time and I don’t remember them ever visiting them and they never went there. He was in another state but not that far away and had enough money to visit or bring them to him. Then with the wisdom of time, I realized that her flaming borderline personality disorder probably gave him few viable options other than staying far away.

[Anonymous]

My ex husband. We were together since we were 18yo, engaged at 25, married at 26, had kids at 28 and 30. All very very much planned in tandem.

Had the shock of my life when we were 32 with 4yo and 2yo kids and I found out he had been having a 3 year long affair....with the 40-something bartender from the conference hotel he often went to on business trips.

It's 6 years later and he's finally (hopefully) stable after that sh-tshow rollercoaster he voluntarily jumped on. Our kids are 8 and 10 and he cries all the time about the time he missed, even when he was physically present but just completely gone mentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who do that are so in denial that they would never give you a straight answer here. Most won’t even see themselves as having walked away.

This. These are the ones who will swear their crazy wife "turned the kids against him."

My dad walked away (or more accurately, cheated, mom divorced him, we never saw him again).

It is simultaneously true that he was a narcissistic jerk who was in denial about doing anything wrong, and that mom denied him access and turned us against him. (Her rage against him was boundless.)

Both mom and dad were deeply flawed people. As are many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband did. Took 2 yrs. to get to the truth which was that he was gay.

That at least seems forgivable on most levels. Mine bolted from a decades long marriage. The marriage did indeed need to end. It's unfortunate for him that he didn't see the need to try to wrap it up in a civilized way even as I was saying "I agree with you." He took all his toys and ran away. I don't bother trying to get inside his head to get to the bottom of why he left the way he did.

I focused on my own side of the street. Even though I'm the one who was dumped, I'm in a better place emotionally. He's chasing happiness but he's certainly not at peace. It's a bummer for our kids. Spoiler: permanent state of "happiness" is unrealistic. A more permanent state of peace is possible with a lot of honest work.

Why do the work when you can just ghost on your responsibilities and blame your ex?

I know. His behavior was and is terrible. I wish the best for him even though I have been cast as the crazy ex. I took the divorce as an opportunity to work on myself and the issues I brought to that relationship, or at least the ones I am aware of since he wanted no part of post-marriage therapy. Everyone deserves to live a peaceful life. I fought for mine, if that makes sense. He wanted me to drown. I seem to have ended up with the better deal and I'm grateful now for the kick in the pants that brought me to this place.

You sound in denial talking bad about him while pretending to wish him joy and your dismissiveness of someone else's pain having a gay husband and being lied to likely from the beginning is disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question about the men who do this and then launch new families with a younger woman. Do those stick or do they end up walking away from those too?

A lot of times they are pretty hands off with the second set of kids and let the younger wife do all the child raising.

[Anonymous]

It's obviously really bad for society in many ways- bad for families, bad for the children involved, bad for the second set of kids, just generally destructive of family life. It also messes with the dating pool and is damaging for women in general.

So I'm not sure why it's not more openly condemned or talked about. I guess since most media and public outlets are controlled by older men.

It's interesting to me that with all the talk about traditional families and conservative culture now, people don't talk about this more. Maybe young conservative women are content to marry middle-aged men on their second or third families? But men leaving their families to start a second family is pretty high on the list of societal dysfunction.