DH choked me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our society is sick

I agree. The normalization of violence as a turn on is absolutely disgusting. Safe words...blah blah blah. If being violent toward your partner or being the victim of violence turns you on, there is something wrong with you. So many f-d up people.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, this is not the discussion board for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It’s not my thing, but I’ve indulged him."

If you stay with him, it's time to stop indulging him. Absolutely nothing approaching this type of activity ever again.

It's ok to say no in the first place if anything is "not your thing".

I feel you there. My wife likes to jab a red hot poker in my eye. It's not my thing but I've indulged her. Do you hear yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer some questions…he said he did not notice I said no. I just don’t want to try it anymore at this point.

Then don't. It's clear that he is not aware of you and your pleasure during the act. It's all about him and what gets him off.

And frankly, I agree with PPs, people who get off on sexual violence are sick.

So do we extend this conclusion to people who are entertained by violence on TV?

[Anonymous]

^^ this comment is irrelevant. Start your own thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ this comment is irrelevant. Start your own thread.

It's not irrelevant. Pretend violence is a huge part of American culture: children playing with toy guns, WWE, violent movies and TV shows, etc. What makes pretend sexual violence so different?

[Anonymous]

To be clear sexual choking also makes you much more likley to be killed by your partner.

https://www.bwss.org/no-safe-word-how-strangulation-crosses-the-line-in-intimate-encounters/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ this comment is irrelevant. Start your own thread.

It's not irrelevant. Pretend violence is a huge part of American culture: children playing with toy guns, WWE, violent movies and TV shows, etc. What makes pretend sexual violence so different?

It is not pretend if you are actually causing pain to another person, even if you say it is "consensual".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH likes to choke in the bedroom. It’s not my thing, but I’ve indulged him. Last night he choked me too hard and I said to stop and he didn’t stop right away.

This made me terrified and I feel really uncomfortable. I told him right after the fact that this was not ok and he apologized. But I still do not feel comfortable around him. What should I do?

I call BS on this. Who in this day and age hasn't heard of "safe words"??

[Anonymous]

Choking is a really bad idea even if it’s consensual. I get the appeal but would never consent to it because it can go wrong so quickly. Slapping on the face can also result in permanent damage especially if the person doing it has a ring or uses their palm instead of just fingertips.

On top of this, OP’s DH says he didn’t hear her. Not hearing the person you love at their most vulnerable is an extreme level of carelessness. In any power exchange scenario, you should be checking in with each other before and during the session almost constantly, and communicating verbally and non verbally. Especially as a “dominant” (which I don’t think OP’s DH actually is), you don’t have the luxury to ever really let loose.

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Don’t underplay what this means for your relationship. It’s a serious matter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t be married to someone who gets off on choking women.

+1
This is sexual violence. He could be a predator to other people and you would not even know (or maybe this shows that you know). This is deeply disturbing behavior and it is not normal. This is akin to rape. You are being raped in your marriage. I am so sorry for you and your children.

If your DH is role-playing and misguided - he needs to go for intense therapy. Man, this is so messed up!!

Obviously non consensual choking is wrong and any choking shouldn’t be happening because of the chances of brain injury and death, even if consensual.

That said, biting, scratching, spanking are all “sexual violence” too. And then there’s the whole bdsm segment. If there’s consent (and safe), it’s fine.

If someone said “stop spanking me” and you continue to hit them, that’s NOT fine. If someone said “stop biting me” and you continue chomping down, that’s NOT fine. You are so f***ed if you think this is nbd.

"Stop" should be avoided as a safeword. The "Yellow/"Red" system is generally best. But do what works for you.

You sound like an abuser.

NP. You sound like someone who has zero knowledge of BDSM.

This is her husband, not some casual partner. You tell your husband NO and he needs to effing stop.

What a bizarre response.

If no means no, it doesn’t matter who it is - husband, casual, or whatever.

If no means “that is a word I might say that does not mean no” where my actual no word is “red” meaning stop everything indefinitely, then husband casual or whatever stops on “red”

This of course is not OPs situation

A bunch of illiterate people who don't know what BDSM is are just ranting. Ignore them.

We know what BDSM is bro.

[Anonymous]

OP is asking on an anonymous forum because she knows that her family and friends would demand that she get out immediately. People are posting articles about how this behavior is a precursor to actual murder, I don't need an article to know that. Get out.

[Anonymous]

That is an extremely dangerous practice.

Even if he was trying to abide by your wishes.

Never allow a man to do this to you.

Leave him if he even considers pressuring you to do anything sexual.

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy.

Seek therapy if you are hesitant to advocate for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ this comment is irrelevant. Start your own thread.

It's not irrelevant. Pretend violence is a huge part of American culture: children playing with toy guns, WWE, violent movies and TV shows, etc. What makes pretend sexual violence so different?

It is not pretend if you are actually causing pain to another person, even if you say it is "consensual".

Boxing, wrestling, tackling, football cause pain with significant risks of long term damage, and these are accepted forms of entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman who enjoys light bdsm I am left completely cold by the choking thing. It seems abusive and angry and weird. It’s really easy to go too far and I would be both saddened and frightened if that excited my partner.

I would be frightened by " light BDSM". It all seems abusive and weird to someone.

Op, don’t let these judgmental opinions make you feel like you were foolish to try something with your spouse.

Focus on the PP's link on why strangulation is particularly dangerous. Dont do it again. Ever. And don't engage in any form of BDSM with your DH. If he tries anything else after you have made this clear to him, leave.

This one incident does not necessarily make your spouse a bad person. You might have to pay more attention to other signs to see if there is a larger danger lurking. But these same people telling you to leave him have spouses who watch people get beaten to a pulp for fun or watch young men get brain damage from football as entertainment. Their spouses may enjoy violence just as much as yours does.