Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond

[Anonymous]

To answer the OP's question -
I've never heard anyone say "I'm glad I have older parents".
Of course older parents will defend their decision. But talk to those kids, their opinion matters too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have trust funds. Does that make it okay? Let me know, k!

That won’t help if they spend it all before you go into decline and need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just realizing how selfish it is to your kids to wait to have much older parents. DH's dad is 86 and we are 41. He is in declining health and needs a ton of care. He is not financially well off so it is all falling on us/SIL to take care of him. Right now he is in the hospital. This is the second hospital visit this year that has been for a week or more. So SIL and DH need to split time and drive and take care of him. We have 3 young kids (under the age of 10), both work full time and have busy lives.

When my parents are the same age as FIL I will be in my 60s. No kids at home and more easily able to take care of them as they age. The sandwich between elderly parents and young kids is just so hard and unfair to the kids who have to deal with the burden.

I was my mom’s youngest and she had me at 30, then she died of Lou Gehrig’s at 60 after five years of “the burden.” You never really know what life and death has in store for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I feel the same. I watched my Dad deal with his own father's early onset dementia. I always knew if my Dad got the same diagnosis, he would commit suicide. Fortunately my Dad is in his 70s and has been spared so far. Before the dementia my granddad adored his kids. After was just horrible with the paranoia and abuse.

I would never put my kid through what my dad went through. I'd absolutely choose to exit if I got that diagnosis.

Once a person actually gets dementia, they typically won’t have the wherewithal and ability to carry through with suicide though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

I am not trying to be witty, I am dead serious. I do realize I may not be able to control it, but if I CAN control it, I'll go to Switzerland or whatever where they have those machines.

NP. That is an incredibly uninformed and naive thing to think. Once you get to the point of having a diagnosis of dementia, it’s alteady too late to make this plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died when I was 6 and she was 34. My husband and I adopted our son when I was 48 and he was 51. Yes, we will be old when he graduates high school. We spent many years in fertility treatments. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

FTR: We are way more active with him than many of the parents of his friends. Our son does the normal sports stuff. We also spend much of the winter skiing with him. We do other activities like ropes courses, zip lines. We hike a lot as a family. My husband and I keep ourselves in shape and do the best we can to eat well. We also keep up with our regular check ups.

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or I could live until 104 like my grandfather.

So much this. People have such illusions of control.

Yes some of us like to plan. However, I'd argue waiting 2 more years to have a kid and focusing on saving $$$ during that time is not a bad plan, if you are under 30-32. You won't regret paying down debt.

The point is you can’t plan when you’re going to get sick or die. You have no control over that. Sure there are things you can do to increase your odds and plan/prepare but no one plans to get stage IV cancer in their 30s and die at age 36 leaving behind 2 young kids like just happened to my neighbor. No one plans to have infertility issues that cause them to not be able to have kids until older. No one plans to have to adopt a relatives’ young kids at age 50+ as happened to another neighbor.

[Anonymous]

My best friend had given up on getting married at 38 almost 39 and was looking into being a single mom through sperm donation. She made the decision to go forward with it and that very night she met a man. He was 39 and never married. Instant connection and she decided to put her plan on hold. She just had a feeling. They were engaged in 6 months and married 7 months after that. Tried to get pregnant immediately. Ended up having a baby at 42 via IUI and one via IVF when she was almost 45 (and he was 45). Kids are in ES now. Great kids, great parents, whole family seems so happy and such a joy to be around. She has occasional bouts of sadness when she thinks about how old she will be at the various stages of their lives but she is thrilled to be a mom and is one of those people that truly makes the best of every day. The though that she is selfish for having her kids when she did is absolutely nonsense to me. It is just the way her life worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend had given up on getting married at 38 almost 39 and was looking into being a single mom through sperm donation. She made the decision to go forward with it and that very night she met a man. He was 39 and never married. Instant connection and she decided to put her plan on hold. She just had a feeling. They were engaged in 6 months and married 7 months after that. Tried to get pregnant immediately. Ended up having a baby at 42 via IUI and one via IVF when she was almost 45 (and he was 45). Kids are in ES now. Great kids, great parents, whole family seems so happy and such a joy to be around. She has occasional bouts of sadness when she thinks about how old she will be at the various stages of their lives but she is thrilled to be a mom and is one of those people that truly makes the best of every day. The though that she is selfish for having her kids when she did is absolutely nonsense to me. It is just the way her life worked out.

That’s wonderful it worked out for her!

What’s selfish isn’t having kids at an older age (especially when that wasn’t your plan and you had no control over it), selfish is expecting your adult kids to do everything for you when you need help as you age. You should do your best not to be a burden on your adult kids, no matter how old you were when you had them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the OP's question -
I've never heard anyone say "I'm glad I have older parents".
Of course older parents will defend their decision. But talk to those kids, their opinion matters too.

Older parents are often more financially stable and settled in their careers — and better able to focus on parenting than those same parents would have been able to do earlier in their lives. There are major disadvantages — such as elderly grandparents which impact family dynamics and resources, but also many advantages. I’m quite pleased that my parents decided to have me. And a special shout out to Mom for taking me sledding at an age when that probably wasn’t fun for her.

Having older parents made me very conscious of historical events as well as more personal ones. I’m glad that I have had opportunities open to me that wouldn’t have been available had I been born earlier in my parents’ lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

I am not trying to be witty, I am dead serious. I do realize I may not be able to control it, but if I CAN control it, I'll go to Switzerland or whatever where they have those machines.

NP. That is an incredibly uninformed and naive thing to think. Once you get to the point of having a diagnosis of dementia, it’s alteady too late to make this plan.

NP. Maybe in some cases, yes. But I will be looking for early detection (this will only continue to improve) and there are things like ALS, stage 4 cancer, etc., that I would definitely plan a Kervorkian ending for. My kids know this. I will not be living as a sick and dying person for very long if I can avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I plan to exit before I become a burden on my kids.

I know you are trying to be witty, but your answer is as dumb as dirt. My FIL says the same crap, he will go his way. He is 82 now. You can't predict how you will go unless you commit suicide while mentally ok, which would be such a gift to your kids!
You can't plan on not having a stroke, you can't plan on dying on your own terms, most of us can't.

I am not trying to be witty, I am dead serious. I do realize I may not be able to control it, but if I CAN control it, I'll go to Switzerland or whatever where they have those machines.

NP. That is an incredibly uninformed and naive thing to think. Once you get to the point of having a diagnosis of dementia, it’s alteady too late to make this plan.

NP. Maybe in some cases, yes. But I will be looking for early detection (this will only continue to improve) and there are things like ALS, stage 4 cancer, etc., that I would definitely plan a Kervorkian ending for. My kids know this. I will not be living as a sick and dying person for very long if I can avoid it.

I was only talking about dementia since it alters your cognitive function in a way other illnesses do not. Having had a loved one with dementia, I just find it very unlikely that someone in the early stages right after diagnosis would be able to do this (end their life). And u think anyone who believes that’s possible hasn’t seen first hand how dementia changes people. But I do hope early detection makes this more likely in the future as you say because dementia is horrible and I believe everyone deserves death w dignity if that’s what they desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother died when I was 6 and she was 34. My husband and I adopted our son when I was 48 and he was 51. Yes, we will be old when he graduates high school. We spent many years in fertility treatments. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

FTR: We are way more active with him than many of the parents of his friends. Our son does the normal sports stuff. We also spend much of the winter skiing with him. We do other activities like ropes courses, zip lines. We hike a lot as a family. My husband and I keep ourselves in shape and do the best we can to eat well. We also keep up with our regular check ups.

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or I could live until 104 like my grandfather.

So much this. People have such illusions of control.

Yes some of us like to plan. However, I'd argue waiting 2 more years to have a kid and focusing on saving $$$ during that time is not a bad plan, if you are under 30-32. You won't regret paying down debt.

The point is you can’t plan when you’re going to get sick or die. You have no control over that. Sure there are things you can do to increase your odds and plan/prepare but no one plans to get stage IV cancer in their 30s and die at age 36 leaving behind 2 young kids like just happened to my neighbor. No one plans to have infertility issues that cause them to not be able to have kids until older. No one plans to have to adopt a relatives’ young kids at age 50+ as happened to another neighbor.

yes no one plans for those things. But that doesn't mean you cannot plan for other things in life. Yes life does not always go as planned, but it can be 90-95% "going as planned". So if you are under 30 and no financially stable, I'd argue the best path forward for your kid(s) to have the best path in life is likely to spend 1-2 years and get your finances in order. Because bringing a kid into an unstable situation does NOT help make it more stable, especially financially. Kids are $$$$ drains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer the OP's question -
I've never heard anyone say "I'm glad I have older parents".
Of course older parents will defend their decision. But talk to those kids, their opinion matters too.

I was absolutely glad I had older parents! My parents instilled a sense of responsibility in me that my friends didn't have and weren't nearly as strict. I also grew up in a family where you took care of each other, so it wasn't big deal. They were do -ers and I think we kept them young. Do I miss them now? of course! But many of my friends have lost their parents too.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always been happy to have “older” parents. Mine are in their 80s, in great health, travel internationally several times a year, and are very well prepared for funding their retirement. My parents had me at 40 after many years of trying, and were at a stage where they were both (1) very grateful to be parents, (2) mature and confident in their parenting, and (3) had runway to save enough that money was never a stressor that I can recall. On the other hand, my much younger mother in law (who had DH at 30) has been plagued by a string of hospitalizations, falls, and health issues, and can no longer live independently. She also has not planned for retirement or her significant healthcare needs in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer the OP's question -
I've never heard anyone say "I'm glad I have older parents".
Of course older parents will defend their decision. But talk to those kids, their opinion matters too.

Older parents are often more financially stable and settled in their careers — and better able to focus on parenting than those same parents would have been able to do earlier in their lives. There are major disadvantages — such as elderly grandparents which impact family dynamics and resources, but also many advantages. I’m quite pleased that my parents decided to have me. And a special shout out to Mom for taking me sledding at an age when that probably wasn’t fun for her.

Having older parents made me very conscious of historical events as well as more personal ones. I’m glad that I have had opportunities open to me that wouldn’t have been available had I been born earlier in my parents’ lives.

Talk like this is what convinces people that young parenthood is immature and doomed to fail.
In my 6 decades here on earth what I've learned is that people are fairly consistent. Immature 20 year olds remain immature even in their dotage. Mature 20 year olds stay the course as well.
Oh, and I know a few 20 somethings who had 2 before 30. They were my colleagues at work - professional licensed women in the engineering field. And yes, they seem able to focus on parenting despite their youth.