Its selfish to have kids in your 40s and beyond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother died when I was 6 and she was 34. My husband and I adopted our son when I was 48 and he was 51. Yes, we will be old when he graduates high school. We spent many years in fertility treatments. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

FTR: We are way more active with him than many of the parents of his friends. Our son does the normal sports stuff. We also spend much of the winter skiing with him. We do other activities like ropes courses, zip lines. We hike a lot as a family. My husband and I keep ourselves in shape and do the best we can to eat well. We also keep up with our regular check ups.

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or I could live until 104 like my grandfather.

So much this. People have such illusions of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your situation applies to EVERYONE whose parents had them when they were in their 40’s?

Right?!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just realizing how selfish it is to your kids to wait to have much older parents. DH's dad is 86 and we are 41. He is in declining health and needs a ton of care. He is not financially well off so it is all falling on us/SIL to take care of him. Right now he is in the hospital. This is the second hospital visit this year that has been for a week or more. So SIL and DH need to split time and drive and take care of him. We have 3 young kids (under the age of 10), both work full time and have busy lives.

When my parents are the same age as FIL I will be in my 60s. No kids at home and more easily able to take care of them as they age. The sandwich between elderly parents and young kids is just so hard and unfair to the kids who have to deal with the burden.

How old was your DH when your last child was born OP?

[Anonymous]

It's also dangerous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it’s selfish to not provide for your own retirement.

+1

It's selfish and irresponsible to depend on your kids for your retirement.

Sure, but the two hospital visits would still take up time and it’s less likely that a 65 year old would need that than an 80 year old.

It’s still a stupid complaint. If his parents had had kids earlier, this woman would not be married to that child, who would be a totally different person.

[Anonymous]

It seems like if you make it to 80 you’re going to have a precipitous decline. Hear me out: if you’ve been otherwise healthy through your 70s you’re going to learn what’s going to kill you; you’ll get a diagnosis (as general as cognitive decline) and it will get harder to manage symptoms and live with limitations.

If you reach 85 without a diagnosis or concerning health condition then plan to live another decade!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your situation applies to EVERYONE whose parents had them when they were in their 40’s?

Pretty much. Yeah.

[Anonymous]

You are not wrong in some ways, but you also can't predict the future. Who is to say your parents will be in great shape at 70, or before? Who is to say you won't be a wreck in your 50s and a burden on your young kids? So you are 40 and have three kids under the age of ten. You are hardly the one to talk. Most people in non-urban areas would consider you an older mom.

[Anonymous]

I am in my early 50s and have a 26-year-old and a 23-year-old. I was considered a late mom when I had my kids, tbh. Times were different.
I wish I had my kids even earlier.
You should not judge and hate your ils, and be so self-unaware and righteous. Says more about you than about your FIL.
Without your FIL having his son late, you would not have the husband you have now. Your life might have been entirely different. How old is your youngest?
1 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 50s and have a 26-year-old and a 23-year-old. I was considered a late mom when I had my kids, tbh. Times were different.
I wish I had my kids even earlier.
You should not judge and hate your ils, and be so self-unaware and righteous. Says more about you than about your FIL.
Without your FIL having his son late, you would not have the husband you have now. Your life might have been entirely different. How old is your youngest?
1 year old?

You were considered a late mom at age 24-ish? What rural area did you come from?

[Anonymous]

It can be hard no matter what when elderly people have big needs and low finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP isn't completely wrong. Having kids later in life really does set everyone up for some weird dynamics just like having kids too early has pitfalls of its own.

Even if FIL had saved for retirement, it doesn't mean much. Sure retirement money can help pay for healthcare expenses and i'm home care but it can't buy the emotional support needed in retirement health crisis. FIl will still need help navigating the healthcare system, meeting with doctors, talking to insurance, etc. AND if a Trump like president enters the pictures retirees won't have savings anyway- no social security, no medicare, no 401k because of the tariffs. ALL the planning in the world can't save you from someone like Elon Musi or Trump.

But OP is assuming it's worse for her husband to handle this now when he's 41 than when he's in his 60s. He has young kids now, but he will have his own health crises to deal with in his 60s. There's no convenient time to deal with taking care of your parents. My dad got cancer and was sick for a long time and then died when I was in my 20s. That wasn't convenient either.

+1. There is never a good time for aging or end of life issues. It's just hard whenever it happens. And it's even harder when finances are an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my early 50s and have a 26-year-old and a 23-year-old. I was considered a late mom when I had my kids, tbh. Times were different.
I wish I had my kids even earlier.
You should not judge and hate your ils, and be so self-unaware and righteous. Says more about you than about your FIL.
Without your FIL having his son late, you would not have the husband you have now. Your life might have been entirely different. How old is your youngest?
1 year old?

You were considered a late mom at age 24-ish? What rural area did you come from?

No, I had my first at 28 and my second at 30. I am 54. In CO, in Denver,, my sister and her sister, etc., and her DH's cousins all had kids earlier. My friends from the Balkans, where I am from, also generally had kids around 25, 26.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother died when I was 6 and she was 34. My husband and I adopted our son when I was 48 and he was 51. Yes, we will be old when he graduates high school. We spent many years in fertility treatments. Life doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

FTR: We are way more active with him than many of the parents of his friends. Our son does the normal sports stuff. We also spend much of the winter skiing with him. We do other activities like ropes courses, zip lines. We hike a lot as a family. My husband and I keep ourselves in shape and do the best we can to eat well. We also keep up with our regular check ups.

I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or I could live until 104 like my grandfather.

There is actually some data saying that older parents tend to live longer than people who had kids earlier. My sister had her child at 49. If I am being honest, I am feeling old at 54, with adult kids.
Though I am not saying these last couple of years have been rough for my sister, and a part of me sees OP's point when looking at my sister. She had a huge cancer scare two months after her child was born. But she is doing well now. (If we could get rid of the loser BIL, as now that they have a child, it is truly sad to see how lazy and incompetent he always was. It was better when they had no child to raise, to just say, oh well, he has my sister working so it is ok, but holly molly, she has cancer, and he is not even looking for work! He is not even helping with their child now, at all, and he was the one who wanted the child.)

[Anonymous]

^^ have not been rough